Deep Breath and Prayer

For the past few weeks my mind has continually gone back to a certain spot. Acting on the desire has been under control for now, yet recent events have fueled it to the point I can't seem to get my mind off of it some days. Since it seems to be gathering some steam (not a good thing) I thought I probably should seriously take a little closer look at it. So, after a few previous attempts, I try once again to bring it to my "drawing board" to see if it really is as powerful as it feels. Back in October, I wrote a post in regards to self-harming behaviors. It was a step in awareness that the behaviors seemed to be taking on life again and could be an issue. That, they did, and my struggle with them has made its appearance time and again. Just as my struggle has been chatted up, so has my fight and my control over them. I can look at it all and realize that with me, these behaviors mostly fall under three reasons.  There is using a physical pain to "snap out" of a m...

School starts back up Wednesday, so let's recap! God is good. I am made from God. Therefore I am good.  This summer I sat in my therapists office, my spirit and soul broken and feeling defeated. Once again, I felt I had screwed up, failed, choked - and all those other negative type words that I always liked to append to myself. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I just looked up at her and asked, "Why do I hate myself so much?" She asked me if I thought I was born that way - born hating myself. I sat, pondering and thinking back as far as I could, finally I gave the only answer I could conclude, "I don't know." With a compassionate "look up at me" (I am not one to maintain eye contact very well, especially if I am struggling) she simply said, "No. The answer is no." There was a lot of basic discussion that session of "who are you/think you are/where did you come from" and by the end of session, I had agreed - God was an entit...

With the new year, I want to write a little bit more. I am enjoying writing again and it really is a healing activity for me. I figured, why not a little "Throwback Thursday" (thank you Facebook) in the blog? Find a photo and then take the chance to write a bit about it. Allow myself to drop names and places and tell a little story (because I can't make up stuff better than the truth). I also feel that it is good for me to look back and remember enjoyable moments. It also makes me sit down and write something every Thursday! 1989-1990, Freshman year, Eastern Illinois University, 1010 Carman Hall. Me and Kristen Polich. I had this cool pink and gray Polaroid camera and we were always taking photos with that thing. Ah, the fun of photos developing right before your eyes! Our recent comments to each other on this photo was the size of her glasses - mine were just as big, I just didn't wear them for the photo - and the amount of hair we both had! (We both sport the same h...

Yes, you know I couldn't let 2013 get away without some kind of a resolution post. I can thank a FB post for a little help with this one. My friend posted a link to this article " 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself " this morning and I thought it was great. Although not all of those pertain to me, many do. I use a few as a base for my continued healing in 2014. With that, here are my thoughts, comments, jokes, dreams, one-liners, or whatever else I may call them as they come!   1. Breathe and stop being scared (to live, to breathe, to make a mistake). I have not been so aware of my breath as I have the past 6 months. Who knew you breathed so much?? I have learned that controlling the breath can be a lifesaving tool in any situation from anxiety to anger to just calming down to fall asleep at night. While struggling this summer, I was given this mantra and told to say every day, as many times a day as I needed - and to just breathe calmly and slowly while reading it. Even...