Deep Breath and Prayer

In some past posts I talked a lot about how I couldn't feel the guardian anymore, that they were MIA or something.  Although the guardian has yet to show back up that I can feel them (and oh how I miss the hugs), my drawings started to tell a story.  Each drawing spurred another to pop up in my mind.  In the end I just kept drawing the things I was seeing until the images stopped.  I'm kind of curious where it will go. This is how the guardian showed up, wearing no breastplate because they were changing it from "guardian green" to "blewy blue and yellow." With the breastplate finished, the guardian was off to find matching pieces for the knees and elbows.  Things went back to being quiet until today when everyone made an appearance. First, the "ok" from Christopher, the one who had been the guardian for so many years. Then after a long time away, the guardian came to visit, bringing me armor.  Although I am not ready to take that role yet, the guar...

Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Yes, there is darkness and fear in my head, yet focus on the good. (This could be a song) Sunrise yesterday on my way to Charleston When I got up yesterday, I took a few to just sit and think. With the opportunity to go to the temple, what would I focus on, what would I ponder, what answers would I look for. What would be a question I could take in with me and desire an answer or direction. I felt so lost in those thoughts and not the "so deeply in thought" lost, I felt as if I was staring at a blank piece of paper and couldn't find the words to put down. In the end, my simple prayer was that Heavenly Father would help me to simply know the questions I needed to ask in order to keep healing. Whether those would be questions for me to ask Him, ask myself, ask Chris. And, could He help me feel "the good" in my heart. Of course, all these things by His will, not mine. "Old Main". Hunter used to thin...

Today, I walked around the office putting my finger up in the air and going "I am Iron Man" and lot's of people laughed. Yes, this is what I did. Thank you Iron Man, my boo boo feels better tonight. Lot of thoughts tonight, yet not at a place to write about them. Panic made its round about an hour or so ago, yet I stayed safe. There has been something about evening time since the incident that sets me off. More parallels to consider. I am just taking deep breaths and reminding myself that we will figure it out, just be patient.  Short, yes, and yet I wrote. Write....heal.....write.....heal.... makes a good prescription.

OK. Let's give this a try. So much on my mind and it has been a whirlwind of emotion lately. I'm going to do my best to stay compassionate and not judge. Tami gave me a little tutorial on how one's blood sugar can affect their judement and noted that 72 was not the place to be. So I am eating while I write this. I had to walk out of class last night. Again.....trying not to judge myself. There is a whole pile of negative comments just waiting to be attached to that. I have to try and look at it as doing what I needed to in order to keep "calm" and safe. I use calm loosely there as I was not feeling very calm. I was embarrassed by it and there is not much I can do with that. As I stood outside trying to take in air I had plenty of rambling thoughts and some that may have made sense. I have tried hard to just let Friday go - put it in the category of "well, I slipped" and move on. I laugh a lot and make wise cracks. Yes, laughter is good, yet maybe not whe...

I have been given homework to reply to the darkness' post from Thursday night.  Not going to lie, been doing my best to totally avoid it.  Not really because I didn't want to do it, more because I am not sure what to say. I have also been a little afraid where going back and looking at it might take me.  Still unable to find the guardian.  A part of me figures it is just a part of my recent actions. I don't get to have the guardian anymore.  Lost privilege or such.  I think to myself that "I'll always have you" must have been conditional.  The thought did cross my mind earlier tonight that maybe, just like the little one, the guardian is not gone, that I have become the guardian.  I mean, that would be really awesome, eh? Wasn't that one of my desires? If that be the truth, it is bittersweet.  Yes, to think I have gained enough to make it to that spot, it hurts to close my eyes and not be able to feel someone put their hand on my shoulder or ...