Deep Breath and Prayer

I have a choice. After spending more hours in bed today than out, I have a choice. I can continue to whine and carry on about things or practice some opposite action and make a good hearted effort to find some peace in this recent haze. For the record, I have not been depression-sleeping today. Yah, the head games are in full force, yet there is something physically going on with me too. The emotional turmoil only *tries* to convince me that it hates me. My physical body, on the other hand, just makes it very clear that it is retaliating and it is not my friend. Got me. When I stand up things go blurry and I get real dizzy, my muscles are highly fatigued, and keep getting short of breath. Nice, huh? A week ago I knocked out 6.2 and have walked about that much, if not more, through this week, and today I can't get out to my car without sucking wind. Here is a thought - I could be pushing myself beyond my limitations!! Yes, because we know I NEVER do that! Want to have fun? Go type t...

Just to review: treat P hysical i L lness -- for what I can control, very good. For what's out of my control, doing best I can. balance E ating -- two weeks of doing quite well avoid mood- A ltering drugs -- 6 months clean! balance S leep -- epic fail. get E xercise -- doing, even if not for right reasons build M A S T E R y -- working on hanging in there, so far 100% completion rate Yup, see that "epic fail"? That would be my 3.5 hours of sleep last night (on top of already being exhausted). And I can honestly say that is not judgmental, it is just fact. Ok, maybe not an epic fail, I mean, I could have not gone to bed at all. You see, we were taught when your "PLEASE MASTER" is out of whack, you are more emotionally vulnerable. What I have learned in my life through the past many months that, of the items, the two biggest areas that I have to remember to keep in the strong region is my physical health and especially, my sleep. I was talking in session th...

My intentions of taking that long nap earlier was to help my body recover from already being run down, it was not an excuse to be up all hours of the night (morning) to even it out. Now way long after I should be sound asleep, here I sit. It is not that I am wide awake, quite the contrary - physically I am worn out and I could so easily just go to bed, except my ever-so-busy mind has other plans. Therefore, fasten your seat belts...I'm writing when I am tired and not completely focused which simply means, limited filters. Last Tuesday I kind of hit a brick wall. Ok, maybe that isn't what happened. I really have no clue how to define in a label what the event was. All I know is that life was moving really fast all of a sudden, I couldn't seem to get a grasp on it, and my mind was trying to go to a place that simply scared the hell out of me. Going back and reading that post makes me work on a several skills from class, the top one being "don't judge yourself." ...

Even when I don't love my body, I love my body. If it can do anything consistent in my life, it can make me slow down (or stop) when I am trying to push beyond my limits. Now, this knowledge is not always good as I will continue to push, push, push, with the knowledge that I will either hit a brick wall or my body will just go into autopilot and put on the brakes. Yes, the common sense approach would be awareness of how I am doing and take the steps I need to before my body has to take over and knock me upside the head, yet where is the fun in that? Today would be that day. I have not stopped to recover from the race Saturday and actually have continued to push myself when I should be resting. My body has already started it's warning cycle - chest pains, dizziness, numbness, and trying to pass out. As I continue to keep pushing forward at full speed, my body keeps telling me, "this is your last chance to stop before I stop you." It is like a game of cat and mouse. Oh,...

I was asked in session today about how I am doing with the eating/nutrition stuff. In my infamous talking about several topics at one time, I never really did answer the question. In looking for a neutral, not really emotional or feeling, topic to write about, I decided that I would just take the chance to answer it here. It allows me to sit and really review how I am doing and it also gives me a record of it (I print my blog posts and save them in a binder). With that.... Keeping a food journal I have done amazing with this. I have been honest with it. I sent my first week back to Jeanette last Friday and she was very happy with my efforts. She gave me challenge again to work toward eating at more consistent times and that I had done great with my recording. She reinforced that the scheduling will teach my mind/body that it is going to get food at certain times, so that the emotional "I'm going to starve" thought patterns would lessen. We worked up a basic schedule that ...

I have spent some days away from here and I don't feel guilty for it. I'm not 100% sure why I am choosing to write a little tonight. This is my place to put words down, talk through struggles, and feel emotions. Yup, that was the original intent of starting to write here - to make friends with and get comfortable with feelings and emotions I had long ago ran from and learned to avoid. It has worked. This little "neutral ground" has been a place where all can meet up and make heads and tails of things. Earlier in the week, I felt as if the emotions and feelings were just taking there share out of the middle plus more. Too much feeling at one time, I was caught off-guard. I wasn't ready for it and I didn't care for it. In order to maintain a healthy functioning level in the real world, I picked up my toys and walked out of the sandbox, not really knowing when or if I would come back. I still am weary. As I heal, I am coming upon new feelings, emotions, questions...