Deep Breath and Prayer

And here we are, officially Christmas break. It didn't take too long on the drive home yesterday for the depression to start in. I guess I haven't dealt with it for a while as it was almost an unknown feeling. Who would have though that of all people, I would forget what depression felt like. As I thought about it I realized I have had some down days, yet I haven't had the severe depression. I guess that's a testament to the things I have been learning and work I have been doing. As well, a big pat on the back for those who have been teaching me and helping me along the way. I always thought depression sucked and now that I've been away from it for a while I have concluded that it really, really does. I handled it well, I went to bed for a few hours. I wasn't running way, I was truly exhausted and the answer I kept getting from my body was to rest. So I figured why not actually listen to my body for once? It's still lingering around today yet it on the low s...

I would like to think that if God were to write me a letter today, it would go something like this: Dear Blewy, (yes, God would call me Blewy) I love you. I wanted to say that first because if you remember nothing else from this letter, that is the most important thing. Even when you thought I did not or the many times you tried to make me not love you, I did. I always will. I know that is hard to comprehend sometimes yet it is true. On the days where you can't buy into it, just believe it because I said so. On the days where you feel it, relish it to its full extent. It is yours, enjoy every moment of it. Alijandra says hello. She misses you just as much as you miss her and she says she will be first in line to greet you when that day comes. Her body is perfect and she chases every heavenly squirrel that she sees. I know it was hard to let her go, 15 years is quite a long time. As your one constant through a lot of good and bad, I had charged her with quite a mission. Remember I p...

Found myself leaving class tonight, getting in the car and going, "What the heck is your problem? Settle down!" I've started to get good at recognizing triggers with the anxiety, then there are times it feels like it just hits you out of left field and you are taken completely by surprise. There was a while there at the beginning of class where I didn't think I was going to get it under control. I just kept thinking, "this is a safe place, just relax" and then just started praying. Not sure what that was all about and I hope that is the last time it happens in class. I left to realize it was a full moon (close enough) so I am totally blaming it on that. Ok, so maybe there were a few things on my mind yet it is much easier to blame it on astrological events. The holidays are here. Ah, the time of year where my brother and I just look at each other, grunt to acknowledge our unified feelings of Nov 1 - Feb 1, and then suck it up. Neither of us are Scrooges, we ...

I'm awfully happy these days. Even through a few low times these past few weeks, I am happy. Now, this is different from my general "happy self" that most people see on a regular basis. This is something inside, something deep. It is something that in the quiet moments stands out because it is something new - or something that has been absent for a very long time. A few weeks ago I pulled out my scriptures in Spanish. The missionaries had contacted me, as they had met someone who wanted to hear their message and neither one speaks Spanish. They asked if I could come teach and/or interpret for them. I was excited to help. As I was flipping through the pages, having a little walk down memory lane from my mission, I found some writing on two of the blank pages in the front. It was all in Spanish and it was my handwriting. It was strange because it had a date of July 31, 2000 on it and I served my mission from July 95-Dec 96. I did not remember writing it so I started reading...

Up to now, I have not posted photos and it may be a while before I do again. I think this time is ok. I like to go back and read my past posts. When I need some uplifting, they help get me there. When I am doing good, they remind me of how far I have come. There is a pattern of healing in the words written and the many more words that are not included. If I inspire no one else in this journey, I inspire myself. This is an important week for me, I have an anniversary. Tuesday is my 1 year mark from surgery. I thought about just letting it come and go quietly, yet when it comes to reminding myself that I really can achieve things, this is a pretty solid one.  People are stuck with me. I'm going to be around a lot longer. No one seems to be complaining. In reality, I never thought I would live past 40. I figured that by 40 my health would have done me in or I would have done something stupid to myself. I remember sitting in my therapist's office on my birthday going "what do...