Deep Breath and Prayer

If I had a friend that was going through what I am and they had fully disclosed everything to me, I would feel so much compassion for them that I would most likely cry. I would wonder how they were managing to just live day to day, completing the "regular life" things that they had to as well as deal with their struggles. I may not know what to say, yet maybe I would go for the "how can I help you?" When they replied that they did not know, I might be tempted to just let it go. I would like to think I might have a conversation and see if I could find places to make suggestions. Maybe, I would offer to contact them once a day by phone or text or when I saw them in person. We could have some fun code or something. Instead of the regular "are you ok" I could come up with some line from a movie that we both liked and that would be my salutation and my way of inquiring without drawing any unwarranted attention. In return, they could have two codes to cover bein...

It is one of those nights where I can hardly keep my eyes open. Wanted to write a full post yet that isn't going to happen. I will be impressed if I get more than two paragraphs. Did want to jot few things down if for no other reason, so I can go back later and address them a little more. I got a reprieve on having to submit my food journal for a week due to my traveling. In not keeping the journal I realized I stopped eating regularly. It has been nice -not eating, yet that is not healthy. Already contacted Jeanette about it and have plan. In session with Lynn today we were talking about a lot of things and I asked her what was going on in my brain when I got the self destructive thoughts and desires to hurt myself. What chemically was happening as it was not like I was purposely making myself have the bad thoughts. She pulled out this sheet that talked about biological changes in people who are abuse/trauma survivors. As she was listing all these different things she would keep t...

Among mental chaos, loudness, and confusion, it appears. Somewhere it makes it way through thoughts of hate, desires to hurt myself, disgust, guilt, shame. Almost like a hand grabbing you and pulling you out of a large crowd that has closed in so tight you can barely breath, it happens - the shift. Since I am going through it right now, allow me to explain more of what this is. This is something that only started about four months ago and over that time has become more pronounced little by little. Among all the darkness, it is a moment of contrasting emotion. I don't know if I would call it peace, it is more like someone coming and putting their arms around you, just as you are about to collapse. As it hits, I find myself putting my head in my hands and very compassionately saying, "Blewy, what are you doing?" And at that moment, the shift happens. It is something that comes in its own time. I have not figured out yet how to consciously make it happen upon command. Though...

I make it home safely. The coming home anxiety started in last night. I knew it would, it has become an anticipated thing. I guess that makes it a little better when it happens, as I am not caught off guard. I laid in bed last night just thinking about things back here. I got to wondering how I could take that calmness and peacefulness I was feeling there and bring it back here. What is it here that has me on edge that I didn't have there. What did I leave behind when I got on that plane Sunday. What was I coming back to that set off my anxiety on the plane coming home? Something else to toss into the "I don't even know where to start to figure out this question" pile. That dang pile is getting huge. Along with it came the strong impression about something (which I don't care to share right now) and I just took a deep breath and said to myself, "Yah, I know." And it came around again, worded a little different, and once again I answered, "I ...

Yah, so it isn't like me to do two posts in one day, yet here I am. As I have said many times before, there is a first time for all things. My ribs hurt, like REALLY hurt. No, this is not a flare up of anxiety, it is because I have laughed so hard today and tonight that I may have gotten the same workout as 100+ sit-ups. Yah, I have been laughing. I have been having a good time. Among some fear and apprehension, I have allowed myself to just be me. The greatest part is that tomorrow will be just as many, if not more opportunities to laugh more. Now, I am sure that the fact that we have been going non-stop since 4:30 am this morning (and it's now almost 9 pm) and I only had 3 hours of sleep is a contributing factor. Simply, I am punch drunk. The best part, everyone else is too (except for those who were doing the hot shot martinis at dinner, they are actually drunk). I want to leave a voice mail that just simply says "I AM HAPPY! AT THIS MOMENT I AM HAPPY AND IT FEELS GOOD!...

Seeing that the turbulence of this leg of the flight is triggering my anxiety rapidly, I am quickly searching in my bag of tricks for "wise mind distracts" and so I plug in the earphones, turn up the music, and write. Put my focus on one thing and away from another. No, I am not being dramatic, it's like a roller coaster. Don't believe me? As I try not to freak out, one of my traveling companions is currently heaving her socks up from it. Yah, it's that bad. This is not necessarily the post I aimed to write, yet spontaneity is good. I kind of decided as I left home yesterday that I would use opportunities as they arose to practice. Yes, I said it and I did not say it sarcastically. If I pulled off nothing else, I hoped that through awareness I could identify some triggers or come up with some ideas to control some of the anxiety. Here are some things I have learned so far... Repetition messes with my anxiety. I did a post in the early weeks of emotional regulation...