Deep Breath and Prayer

Wow. The year is almost over. There has been a lot of "reflecting" going on today. Some of it has been direct and focused, other just kind of "the year in revue" playing in the back of my mind. As I look back at posts from this time last year it is hard not to go "girl, you were a mess!" I usually would reply like that..and there is a whole lot of truth to it. Thing is, yah I was in a rough spot and I was working hard with new skills and thoughts trying to change behavior patterns that were deeply rooted. I was still so unsure of all this new knowledge and I sure was not even close to trying to trust myself. I wish I could go back and tell myself just where I would be in a year. I find myself with some surprised thoughts as I think about this past year. I fought some tough battles. Many were not new ones, it is just that they came down to those "you have to make a choice" serious decisions. I started the year out already admitting I had an abuse ...

Hey Blewy. We know you are not giving up on finishing that other post and we want you to know we are proud of you for being strong enough to look back and think about the past year. We also know how scary it is, even being on the healthier side. It is a part of us and is valuable in making us who we are....and we are pretty awesome....at least we kids think so. Take a deep breath and let's go enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe ice cream....you do not have to worry about the healthy eating until tomorrow! Thank you for finding us, we love you....a big whomping whole lot. The kids.

I am actually impressed on how much I have managed to get out of the house and stay out of the house. Not going to lie, it is still a struggle, yet I am doing so much better with it than I have in years before. Even though this break is shorter than ones in the past, if feels like an eternity. I have a pretty good idea on one reason why - being honestly "clean and sober". Whether it was prescription or over the counter, even a buzz made things go by faster and without big notice. Not having that in my system has made me aware of every waking minute.....it is a little overwhelming. Add in the largely decreased amounts of destructive thoughts and behaviors, and it is like time is never ending. Talk about not knowing what to do with yourself. The crazy weather has not disappointed in making my driveway a huge mud pit again this year. I think I am going to have to give in and start getting some estimates for gravel. I say that each year then the money I budget to do so ends up go...

It's Friday....oh wait, it's Saturday. One of the issues with holiday breaks, you totally lose track of time. I actually had to drag Tess out of bed today instead of the other way. Every time I asked her about getting up, she crawled up in the corner and went back to sleep. Smart dog. In the end I used the one technique that works every time....."are you hungry?" Yah, that always works. And now she is snoozing on the couch. It would appear that being lazy is the protocol for the day. I can handle that easily. I have been trying hard to stay on the side of healthy this break - it has been work and I have done it. As much as it may be a struggle (one that I am doing well with), I keep waiting for some little light in mist. Yes, I have had some good moments, time with family and missionaries, yet I had hoped there would be that little something that said to me, "yah, it's going to be ok." Maybe that is selfish of me to want that, yet you know, you fight and...

Fixing computers is not too hard, just time consuming. A call from a lady from church last night asking if I could take a look at her computer today. She explains that it locked up, so she kept pushing buttons and then this one that said restore came up and she hit it, and now she can't find anything. Needless to say, she reformatted the hard drive. I will sit here at her kitchen table for the next 3-4 hours in an attempt to restore everything she erased. It gets me out of the house. There was a reason I told Chris my goal was not to sleep all day. Each day is getting harder and harder to keep that goal. I lay in bed telling myself, "get up, you have to get up" and it is almost like being frozen.... To move feels like it will take so much energy that I won't survive. It is quite frustrating. Then, if I do well and get up and about, I have no desire to go out of the house. Although it is better than past years, it bothers me to know that this is something I will fight ...

I finally finished the chapter on the protective parent and I am still at a loss. I don't understand how to be that role. Based on what we learned in class last round, the question becomes, do I not know because I don't have the information or do I just not know how to use the information I have. I really think this time it is the first. I don't know if I have the tools. If I do, I don't seem to recognize that I do. I know that my definition of protecting the kids is to surround them, provide a barrier between them and danger. I think that is my definition because that has always been my desire. When danger was present or I felt threatened, I wanted someone or something to step between me and the threat. That did not always happen and many times because I did not know how to express that I was in trouble. One cannot help when they don't know help is needed. I struggle not to jump to a conclusion that my being a victim to danger and threats are my own fault because I...

Tess has the right idea, curl up in the blankets and snooze away. Oh I am sure I will end up taking a nap at some point, have not seemed to miss a day yet. As I realize that I have got to get my tail out of the house, I have started to fill my calendar a little. I will have the boys for a bit tonight and tomorrow night as well as next Monday and Tuesday night. Am going to try and do some visiting as well while I am off. Been compiling my Finding Blewy blog today. With the Fight the Fight blog, I copied the posts into a document and then printed it out and put it in a binder. I would always have it that way and seeing that it essentially my journal, it was nice to have the printed copy. I have wanted to do the same with this one, yet just haven't and now with over 150 posts, it has grown quite large. Seeing that there is not anything I HAVE to do, I can start getting it copied over into a document as well. Although I am not reading each post, there is some scanning through them as I...

C'mon Blewy, you can do this. It's not even officially "break" yet and I'm fighting it. I have even backed off of wanting to have a good holiday break and am just going for having one that isn't bad. I will take neutral and uneventful, seriously. If the next two weeks are going to be like the last two days, I think I would like to go back to work in the morning. Anxiety is rolling around freely, which I had expected. Seeing that I keep wanting to default to past memories and thoughts, the unfamiliar unknown is playing out nicely. That is ok. I got tools for dealing with that. The agitation, that is a different story...wasn't ready for that one. The two together? I think someone is trying to destroy me one emotion at a time. I thought about emailing Lynn and seeing if there was anything she could prescribe for the next few weeks to take the edge of it all off, yet I hesitate to do so. Not that I think she won't do it, I just don't know if I can take...

Although I will be doing my best to take thing one moment at at time and let things play out as they do, I will have to say that "welcome to the holiday break" did not fail in its entrance. Maybe this next year I can learn to convince my subconscious that hellfire does not always stand before us. It was rough getting to sleep last night, lots of anxiety. I was pulling out all the tricks I had -- healthy ones. I went though several radio stations, a few extra blankets, a few less blankets, lay on the left, lay on the right, lay on my back. I am sure that Tess was at the "will you lay still!" point as at one point she got out from under the blankets, crawled up next to my head, and just glared at me. In the end I turned off everything, curled up in the smallest and tightest ball I could, wound up the teddy bear, and tried to put all my focus on that little tune. It must have worked, I don't remember the bear stopping, nor do I remember winding it a second time. Do...

Ha! There is a title that will get your attention! At the moment I am smiling and happy for a few reasons (yes, this is so much better than sad and distraught). I had a really good session this morning - not that I don't have good sessions, yet I felt really good today. With it being the holiday season, I am out for enjoying anything positive, especially emotionally. To be able and talk about me, my thoughts, my life, and to do it on the side of positive is a big success for me. It is kind of hard to explain on the surface, yet just know it is good, really good. I feel good. I feel at peace. I am very thankful - to Heavenly Father...and to Chris. We talked today about the "little one", my little blue dress, pigtailed youngster who laughs, giggles, and never does tell you her real name. Even in the craziness, since the moment she was recognized, she never stopped smiling. In the chaos, she always found something good. She was so content with small and simple things. She di...

My mind has been in quite the state of turmoil this evening and night. That piece of me who was always destructive feels lost and scared, not knowing what to do with themselves, questioning their purpose, questioning their existence. Lots of destructive thoughts with confusion and chaos. It is as if a struggle between "I don't want to make these thoughts happen" and "I don't know what else to do" is playing out. We meet at the rose bush as promised and touch the petals. They have a unique texture to them. We look at the blooms and lose ourselves in the color. Yellow is the color I always chose to represent happiness. The distress calms down, the anxiety lessens. The thoughts, although quieter, continue. That piece of me sadly apologizes, "it's the only way I know how to communicate." While I am still trying to figure out of if the "little one" has left for good (it sure feels like they have gone away), this one doesn't want to lea...

While outside in the front lawn with Tess this evening, I froze. All of a sudden I was hit with a wave of fear that seemed to come from no where. I felt lost, afraid, and anxiety was shifting to panic at a high pace. The 10 feet to the porch looked more like 10 miles. I crossed my arms, wrapping them around myself as tight as I could. I just kept repeating, "I got you, you are ok, I got you." I started toward the porch, each step feeling like my legs were pulling out of a mire. The step up to the porch took all I had. I softly assured myself that I was almost there, just to keep hanging on. As soon as I crossed the threshold into the house it let up from the extreme. It lingered a bit yet I could breathe again. Things are good. I am getting better - I really am. Things feel different, like life is not trying to crush me at every turn. I am able to stay relaxed for longer stretches of time. Although I still sometimes fight with the shakes when I relax to go to sleep, they are ...

There are days when being a Jack of all trades really pays off. When I moved in, I had to run all the plumbing to put a washer in. My last washer, the agitator quit and I managed to take it apart and fix it (less than $20) and now, this machine has burnt out the lid switch, thus not allowing it to drain and spin (well, ok, it did after I bypassed the switch and hot-wired it). New switch on order ($10) and another opportunity to play with tools. See, told you it pays off.

My coworker was having a tough morning today. We chatted a while and although she felt better, she was still a bit discouraged. In the conversation, (which with me, conversations can go a multitude of directions) I said, "your assignment for today is to go through the alphabet and come up with a positive word for each letter for yourself." After some back and forth bantering, she agreed and I even said that I would do it. Seeing that I am feeling well today, it is a good assignment and much easier to do now than if were in a place such as I was yesterday. With that, "I am....." Awesome Beautiful Courageous Daring Eclectic Fabulous Gracious Humorous Ingenious Jolly Kind Loving Motivating Notorious Ornery Persevering Quick Rebellious Strong Trustworthy Unpredictable Vivacious Wonderful Xenial (Of the relation between a host and guest; friendly) Young-at-heart Zany (Yah, I had to do a little Googling for X. I never said we couldn't do that!)

There are a few of us here in the office who struggle with anxiety and we are all having a rough day. I sat in my car for about 5 minutes after session holding my head in my hands and just rocking back and forth. I often catch myself rocking, especially if I am getting anxious or nervous. Usually it is just slight rocking, no more noticeable than someone bouncing their leg or tapping a pencil (well, ok, pencil tapping is a little annoying after a while). It is calming and it also might entice someone to come put the happy little white jacket on you. It works though. Rocking is a good, calming action - why do you think I like the blue chair so much. With class tonight, I wanted to get one more post put up here. I may not have done good on my exercise goal, yet I think I have done much better with my writing. Seeing that I still have actual work to do, I will go for another "add some photos" post. It is not "filler" it is a way to show that I am still doing things (al...

I get scared...really scared. It has been happening more and more lately. It is different from things being scary or even me being afraid. It is a panic, a very strong fear of being lost, alone, and not knowing where to find my safety. It comes at various times, no real pattern. In those moments, whether brief or long, it is as if I can't breathe, coupled with a paralyzing fear and intense feeling of despair and abandonment. I need someone to grab me and hang on, a reminder I am not lost, I am not alone, and I am safe. I have learned how to hold up my public front while inside I want to collapse and cry out for help. I do my best to hang on - as frightening as it is, it does pass....eventually. When we had our training last month for AR group, the guest speaker spoke about how recovery from addiction parallels attachment theory. Instead of a parent-child relationship though, it is a relationship with the addictive substance or behavior. He also discussed the relationship of re...

Let's talk. Why? Because I really would like to have someone to talk to right now about the things on my mind. I knew that whole "talking to yourself" thing would pay off one day. There is plenty of room on the park bench if anyone would like to join me and listen for a few. I have deeply missed not going to session on Thursdays these past few weeks. Somewhere I have told myself that I can't do it, not allowed. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just go to session once a week, then that means I am getting better. It is tough, and by the weekend I can always feel it. I miss that extra time to just feel safe, talk, and learn. There is something deeper that I get out of it as well that I don't know how to explain. I think it is kind of reminder that I am not alone through this. I find myself feeling more scared, and I don't let myself do something about it because I have created this "scale" to try and convince myself I am getting healthier. I a...

As part of my homework, I am trying to write a little more. It's there, the thoughts and all yet I am just not doing well on getting them out of my head one way or another. It is not that I don't want to write, it is that I sit down to do so and I lose the desire. Granted, nothing in life says that I "have to" write, yet when I don't all of those thoughts just keep piling up and it gets even more busy in my head. It's like a bad chain reaction as the piling up just starts causing anxiety and stress and then we all know that does not always end the best. So, since it would seem that I can't get the my current train of thought from my head to paper, I will just go for sharing some what has been up in the past few days: Goodwill made out quite well today. I lost count after 50 VCR tapes as I was packing them up. Someone will be happy. Tess was all about the snuggles this morning Tess crawled up on the back of the chair like a cat. Hope she was comfortable, I ...

Although I don't decorate much for the holidays anymore, I do generally have the inadequate tree, a nativity, and a train. I have boxes of Christmas decorations in my shed and they have hardly been opened the 8 years I have lived in my house. Over the years, that fun loving adventure of decorating just drifted away. I think it was because the holidays became more un-enjoyable and therefore, why put out the effort. There's always a train though. I used to buy these $1 wind up trains with track and put them around the tree. I don't know what the fascination is, yet if there is nothing else out, you have to have a nativity and you have to have a train. This weekend I will go dig out my little nativity. In session last week Chris mentioned buying something that was fun. Just for the record, she seems to have cool Christmas socks like her cool Halloween socks. I agreed that I should go get me something neat. I forgot that I had already done so a few weeks ago. During a trip to W...

This morning as I was doing my best to procrastinate the next load of laundry, I had a word come across my mind - transitioning. I was suddenly like, "that's it!" As I have continually fished for words to describe what I am going through, feeling like, fighting with, etc. I have yet to find one word that can almost cover it all, until now. Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change. Yup, I think that is a great word to use. I guess we could say that life overall is a one huge transition, moment to moment changing due to what we are learning and/or experiencing. You see, my mind goes directly to that generalized thought not because I am being wise or anything, it does it to try and lessen the moment. Kind of like, "Oh hey, that is great you thought of that word, yet you realize it isn't that special, every moment is a transition, so don't get all excited over it - it is...