Transition
This morning as I was doing my best to procrastinate the next load of laundry, I had a word come across my mind - transitioning. I was suddenly like, "that's it!" As I have continually fished for words to describe what I am going through, feeling like, fighting with, etc. I have yet to find one word that can almost cover it all, until now.
Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change.
Yup, I think that is a great word to use. I guess we could say that life overall is a one huge transition, moment to moment changing due to what we are learning and/or experiencing. You see, my mind goes directly to that generalized thought not because I am being wise or anything, it does it to try and lessen the moment. Kind of like, "Oh hey, that is great you thought of that word, yet you realize it isn't that special, every moment is a transition, so don't get all excited over it - it is not like it is some epiphany." And that is part of what I have been battling to change, that immediate negativity or negation of something. Trying to move away from those reactions of lowering my eyes and quietly answering, "I know."
I still struggle with allowing myself a moment of good. Another behavior I took over from others - negate the good. If I am celebrating something it is either around someone I trust will not negate it or it is quietly, in solitude, and very quiet. A small whisper before falling asleep, "that was good."
There are a lot of different ways I could explain the feeling - getting a balloon that makes you happy and someone comes along, recognizes your happiness and pops your balloon on purpose. Comments like, "anyone could have done that" or "well, everyone knows that." The thing is, although I can work on not doing it to myself, I can't control what other say/do. I am sure that there will always be someone who has made it their life ambition to take away a person's happiness or moment.
When hunter was about 5-6 (he's now 18) he got me this little flower vase that looked like a pitcher. His mom and him had been out shopping and he saw it and told him mom he wanted to get it for me for my birthday. He saw something in it and thought it would be perfect for Aunt Blewy. When they gave it to me, his mom reacted, almost embarrassed about it. I think she may have even apologized. I looked at it and I looked at Hunter and told him how lovely it was and how happy it made me. Sure, it was not something I would have purchased for myself, yet the specialness came in the gesture from a young child who felt it would bring me happiness. I still have it out on the counter and still put flowers in it from time to time. I am proud of it and still tell people that was picked out personally by Hunter just for me. And it is not a lie, I smile every time I look at it. I love the way children can see the beauty in things and how they want to share that beauty with others. I think of how many dandelions I picked and gave away as bouquets because I thought they were so pretty. It really didn't matter that dandelions are weeds, I saw beauty in it. I still do.
As I noted yesterday, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that I am just now getting to ask questions and learn healthy things. The blessing is that at least I am getting to learn them now, some people never get the chance. I get scared of being judged (by myself or others) as I learn and ask. I hold my breath in anticipation of the invalidating comment or suggestion. I should not even let that thought bother me, and I am not at that place quite yet. I am still so quick to let others lessen or take my moments of success away. It makes things harder because I easily fall back into the thoughts of "why try if someone is just going to take it away." There are those sayings like "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all" (and similar). There are a lot of times that I could argue those. Maybe it is better to have had the experience, yet when the experiences (whatever it is) seem to mostly end in pain, then why even walk into the fire? I am trying to remember that it is just a part of life - sometimes you are going to get burnt.
I like the "transition" word - for some reason it makes me feel like it is something that I can control the speed and direction of. It is not like a here-then-there, it is more of a metamorphosis. Everything doesn't have to change at once and it all doesn't have to change now. Each piece and part can evolve in its own way an time. I am thinking I might get a YIPPEE for this one - and I learned about this time last year that I can accept those and they are not going to get negated or taken away. Even when I tried to give them back, I was told that couldn't happen, once given, they were given. Oh and hugs, those don't get taken back either. I'm good with both of those.....and it makes me smile too.
For the moment, I am doing well. Across the board I am in a good spot at this moment. I try to be real aware of what that feels like in hopes that when it changes, I can have something to draw on, something familiar to try and get back to if I need to.
I'm transitioning. I'm learning, growing, experiencing, and moving toward something amazing. I am not sure what that is, yet I figure as long as I keep my movement in a healthy direction, then it has to be headed for positive and good.
Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change.
Yup, I think that is a great word to use. I guess we could say that life overall is a one huge transition, moment to moment changing due to what we are learning and/or experiencing. You see, my mind goes directly to that generalized thought not because I am being wise or anything, it does it to try and lessen the moment. Kind of like, "Oh hey, that is great you thought of that word, yet you realize it isn't that special, every moment is a transition, so don't get all excited over it - it is not like it is some epiphany." And that is part of what I have been battling to change, that immediate negativity or negation of something. Trying to move away from those reactions of lowering my eyes and quietly answering, "I know."
I still struggle with allowing myself a moment of good. Another behavior I took over from others - negate the good. If I am celebrating something it is either around someone I trust will not negate it or it is quietly, in solitude, and very quiet. A small whisper before falling asleep, "that was good."
There are a lot of different ways I could explain the feeling - getting a balloon that makes you happy and someone comes along, recognizes your happiness and pops your balloon on purpose. Comments like, "anyone could have done that" or "well, everyone knows that." The thing is, although I can work on not doing it to myself, I can't control what other say/do. I am sure that there will always be someone who has made it their life ambition to take away a person's happiness or moment.
As I noted yesterday, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that I am just now getting to ask questions and learn healthy things. The blessing is that at least I am getting to learn them now, some people never get the chance. I get scared of being judged (by myself or others) as I learn and ask. I hold my breath in anticipation of the invalidating comment or suggestion. I should not even let that thought bother me, and I am not at that place quite yet. I am still so quick to let others lessen or take my moments of success away. It makes things harder because I easily fall back into the thoughts of "why try if someone is just going to take it away." There are those sayings like "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all" (and similar). There are a lot of times that I could argue those. Maybe it is better to have had the experience, yet when the experiences (whatever it is) seem to mostly end in pain, then why even walk into the fire? I am trying to remember that it is just a part of life - sometimes you are going to get burnt.
For the moment, I am doing well. Across the board I am in a good spot at this moment. I try to be real aware of what that feels like in hopes that when it changes, I can have something to draw on, something familiar to try and get back to if I need to.
I'm transitioning. I'm learning, growing, experiencing, and moving toward something amazing. I am not sure what that is, yet I figure as long as I keep my movement in a healthy direction, then it has to be headed for positive and good.