Deep Breath and Prayer

Have not quite come to the conclusion of what I am going to write. Oh, it's not that I don't have things to write, it is that maybe I have too much and of that it is also allowing myself to "go there" and start putting some things of paper. I have gotten up and walked away from here at least five times now. I decided what I am going with, get comfortable, then chicken out. It's ok, I'm about to make that six. I have lots of thoughts, emotions, feelings, and other stuff that I just don't know the word for, going through my mind. Even after sleeping for almost three hours, it continues to agitate through the wash cycle. I can do this. I can work with all this. Even if I don't know what it all is, I can do something with it. I can slow the movement down. I think back to several months ago at the church meeting where I got really anxious and came up with a way to control my breathing and in turn slow the anxiety down. It didn't go away yet it became ma...

Dear Heavenly Father, what have I done wrong to make you so mad at me? Have I made life choices that really are that bad? Am I intentionally hurting others and not realizing it? Are you telling me to do things and I am either not understanding or I am not hearing you? I am believing this "better than I was" less and less anymore. I did my best to make it through church. Am I in trouble because I left? I was dizzy and shaky and afraid I wouldn't be able to get home safely, it had nothing to do with skipping or running away. I was just trying to be smart and safe. I'm worn down across the board. I have a line of people going "what can I do to help?" Yet the truth is, there really isn't anything. I don't think the answer "please make the distress stop" is going to be a valid request. My body hurts, no, seriously, I am in pain. Apparently in one of my tumbles I cracked my forearm good as it is super tender. My quads are spasming, my calves char...