Deep Breath and Prayer

Let's talk a little about addictions. When I quit drinking, the craving did not suddenly go away. It was my coping tool and I desired the taste of hard alcohol so much that there were days I thought I was going to go crazy. Somehow, through all of that, even through the strong desires, I managed never to touch the stuff again. Ok, so maybe replacing the addiction "helped" somehow, although not the best choice. It has been over 20 years since I drank and there are still times I crave it. There are times when a half-pint seems to make it into one of my self-destructive plans. Luckily, those plans have yet to get played out. I don't know how many times I tried to quit smoking. That has to be the worst as it is so easy to stop and start and stop and start. My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to beat that one. I think the last cigarette I smoked was in 2006. I remember it was the year I moved back up here and was living with mom. I do know I have not had one since No...

I'm lost. Not in that sense of not knowing where I am (for once), I feel lost. Maybe confused is a better word. Or, I can just toss my hands in the air and go, "I don't get it." Are not things supposed to be continually getting better for me? I am not supposed to be messing up. No, this is not a "have to be perfect" comment, yet I should not be finding my mind back in the old playground contemplating ways to hurt myself and to what degree I can sustain it. I mean, that is just scary territory and when I end up there it is so hard to get pulled out of there on my own. I am not going to lie, as scary and dangerous as that place is, it is also so inviting. Kind of like lots of shiny things that sparkle to keep your attention. You convince yourself that you are ok there, you can leave anytime, a little bit longer won't hurt anything. Meanwhile you are being sucked into the belly of the beast and before you know it you are essentially craving the physical har...

Intimidation is an odd creature. It is my guess that it can be good just as much as we attribute it to being something bad. Just with all feelings and emotions, I am never going to be able and avoid being intimidated, it is going to happen.  I will feel inferior, I will feel as if I have nothing to offer, I will feel like I do not measure up to others. That is ok, I cannot always make a difference, even as much as I really want to. That, dear ones, is just life. The key comes down to how I want to deal with it. Do I just accept it and go on (all hail radical acceptance) or do I let it get to me and make me step backwards. It is a choice that has to be made each time, some times over and over in one instance. Lisa and I were slated to have a big discussion about the feeling of needing to belong or fit in. It never happened. That was this time last year. I often wonder what she would have said, how she would have explained it. Would she have been able to answer why I long to fit in o...

I have been quiet on here for a while. It happens, and it is ok as it was not due to anything bad. My mind continues to wander about, trying to figure out this new place I find myself in. It is like being in the mountains for the first time, all the differences in terrain makes you kind of mesmerized. You find yourself just looking around, trying to take it in, trying to make sense of things you have only seen in pictures. There is a lot of pondering at your surroundings and not much speech. Yah, that is kind of where I have been in this past week. Chris loaned me a few books to read about finding the inner child. I have done a lot of reading this past year, probably more than in the past many years. I am still a little slow of a reader and that is ok, there is no race. I used to be able and just skim pages and books and pick up on the ideas and purpose and all of that. Was not a speed reader by far yet I learned how to get through a book, get out of it what I needed, and move on. Afte...