Deep Breath and Prayer

I can't believe I haven't written all week. Well, ok, I can as I have thought about it several times and just have not been able to put the thoughts together to get them on paper. I think I used the phrase "mind-boggling" in an email to Chris earlier this week and that still seems to hold pretty true. I continue to feel like I am in this new world, seeing things new for the first time or just differently. Really not any specific thing, it is sometimes random, it is sometimes a result of working through something. The one thing I do find along my journey, it is all connected. Whether it is connected from a past incident, a past learned behavior, or other, it is so interconnected. I would like to think that is a sign that if I can make forward progression in one area or find peace with one incident, it will affect things down the line. My hands are healing. I think the scars will eventually fade. I think I probably see them quicker than another might and that is ok, it ...

You do not know how bad I just want to stand up, say I am done, and be done. I feel like I am trying and trying and each movement forward is getting me kicked backwards. I know, we can get all into the how it feels versus how it really is, and the thing is, I am having a really hard time seeing what is reality at this point. I can't tell you where my feelings match up to reality because I can't get a grip on reality. The thing is, I can't quit now. I look at my desk and see a few to-do notes. Can't let people down, got to get their work done. I really need to take those notes home because I keep forgetting to do them. I mean, if I am going to really take myself out of commission, I can't leave projects hanging. See, I am not even making sense. I am so messed up right now I don't know which way is up. I know this feeling, this is the worthless and nothingness I used to feel when mom came after me. This is where I cower and beg forgiveness. I admit I am a screw up...

Dear Heavenly Father, I just want you to know that i still read your letter often. I find strength in being able to read many of the words now and know I am on the other side of the fence. As I read the stories you shared, I realize I now have my own. There is still a missing component for me. The authors of those stories seem to have so much confidence and assurity in themselves and their new found lives. I am still so scared and doubting of my strength. I get a few steps ahead and it feels exhilarating. I find myself thinking, "I got this, I can do this" and it feels good. It seems to come with a price. I often feel that as I stand up and start moving forward and being confident, a part of me meets me head-on to tell me that it is not real, it is not going to last, not only am I fooling myself and I will most likely hurt someone in the process. Back up and back off. It breaks my heart. I want to do good, I want to help others, I want to do the right things in life. Sometime...