Deep Breath and Prayer

I need to state a few facts: I am not in a good place emotionally, nor do I care to try and change that at the moment. I just want to rant and bitch. Yes, I know it is called being willful and I have the choice to practice it. I would be better to just continually read yesterday's post over and over and not even come near writing one tonight and again, I choose not to. I understand that I am not my emotions and thus am going to allow myself the freedom to just go off on life because sometimes I get tired of smiling like there is nothing wrong. I am going to try and not say anything I might regret later and I will try to control my language. I will just say out loud the words that I will so graciously not type. There is a good chance of a lot of negativity. I have no intentions of going back and editing this like I normally do with my posts. Welcome to first drafts. I understand that things may not really be (or be as bad) as I feel or see them right now and I am willing to accept t...

... I learned in DBT class Just breathe Live in the moment, don't worry about what is coming or what has passed Sometimes, it is what it is You don't have to like or agree with something to accept it Opposites can exist at the same time Always know where your blue donkey can be found You always have a choice There is always another way to look at something Pain = Pain Pain with non acceptance = suffering Wise mind ACCEPTS, we can too Make the moment better by improving it Be compassionate and judge not - especially with yourself All emotions are valid and always have a purpose Keep your PLEASE Master happy AND not BUT Some people don't like releasing balloons into the sky and it is ok It is ok to want to throw gasoline on someone and light them on fire, as long as you don't actually do it Willing over Willful You are not your emotions You can ask for what you really want It is ok to be sad You are just as worthy as the next person Do what you know, use what you have Do ...

Since I spent time talking about the darker side of today, I take great joy in following it up with the greater side of things. Before moving back down to Charleston, I lived several months with a friend and her two children. We lived in a 2-bedroom townhouse. The kids (9 and 10 years old) had one room and my friend had the other. I lived under the stairs. Yes, that is what I said. The closet under the stairs was about 3.5 feet by 10 feet and that was my room. I had one of those flip out college fabric chairs for a bed and a little space left to hang clothes. Yes, as I have looked back on it over the years, it was as sad as it sounds. For that time, though, I was so low in life that I really didn't care about too much, even the fact I was sleeping in a closet that when people went up and down the stairs, wood shavings and dirt fell on top of me. It was just another chapter in my life. As I would lie there thinking about where I had been (this was post mission) and where I was, the ...