Deep Breath and Prayer

I made it through the day. It has not been as easy as one might think. A large sum of emotions fueled by anger at myself. I will often say "I feel lost" to which we know the answer is, "I'm right here." Today, I didn't feel lost, I was lost. I think I still am. I'm "in a place" emotionally that is not familiar to me. I have been all day. I can't seem to describe it other than if I have been here before, I don't remember. It's hard to get help when you don't know where to send it. Whatever is happening, it is different that the habitual norm of my emotional downfalls. I have struggled today to keep things at some even level - no matter where that level would have been. Was not so much as highs and lows as lows and lowers. I have not been ok today. I am not sure I am yet. I don't like not being ok. There is a level of not being in control when you are not ok. I've gone through the day with a deep seeded feeling of sadness ...

It's morning. Sure came quick. Seems like when you get to bed after 2 you should be able to sleep past 8 am. I'm up. I ate. I have the emotional overload hangover. I looked around at my "this is your life" to-do list for today. I go sit on the couch which makes a snapping sound - it appears the patch job on the broken frame is seeing its last days. It's all a little overwhelming. If I were ever to get to that point where I could cry, this would be a good moment to do so. Tess snuggles up close, as if knowing I am distressed. I take a breath, "all is going to be ok" is what I tell myself. It was just a bump in the road. Just let emotions get the best of me. I just got too tired and let myself get off track. That's all. It is all going to be ok. At least that is what I am going with. Wags texts me. I know no matter how bad things may get or feel, I will hear from her in the morning. She tells me to go put ice on my hand. I tell her I can't, that wo...

I should be sound asleep right now. I should have been about 2 hours ago. I was (still am) exhausted, physically and emotionally. It's been a long week with a lot of things going on between work, home, and in my head. For the most part, I have done well balancing it all. There have been some moments, and still I did well with it. Then earlier tonight it started getting questionable. I made it through the panic attack from hell in Walgreen's. I used my resources and my plan. I got settled down, I was safe. Actually, I never let it get to a place where I was not safe or a danger to myself - whoo hoo, super big kudos. Even more exhausted, I made it home with no issues, did a few things, then off to bed. It is 1:15 am. I am eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Seeing that my stomach has been growling for the past hour, I do not feel guilty about it. I tried to go to sleep. There are times when I am so tired, I can't fall asleep. That was generally cured with a handful of ...

I have been avoiding writing posts. That is always a good sign that something is going on that I am doing my best to hide.  One might wonder why I do that. I have support and resources and I still am selective in my use of them. There are many times where I feel like what I am going through is my own issue. It is either a result of something I have done or it is something I have done. Yes, it is back to that again...I got myself here, it is my responsibility to get myself out of it. Tonight when I walked out of the building to go home, for a brief moment I felt safe. I was outside and I felt safe. Now it was just a flash of a moment and then things went back to my normal. I thought how it felt kind of weird and wonderful at the same time. I have been struggling with a lot of negative thoughts this week. Thoughts of hurting myself have been more in the forefront. I feel the desire and I see it in the flashes. I have not said anything because I know what is triggering them and theref...

If I were to go back in my posts, I am sure I will find it written...possibly several times...do not write narratives right before going to sleep. One would think I would remember that. Last night was a wonderful reminder full of dreams that supported the notion that I was not the person I used to be, that I couldn't handle simple situations, that I disappointed people. Ah, restful bliss!! Awoken at 2:30 am, I remember thinking among the anxiety, why didn't I listen to myself? Soon back to sleep and more dreams. I awoke this morning curled up in a tight ball, blankets pulled as close as they could be, having a panic attack. With my fist I continually rapped the side of my head, repeating out loud, "stop it, stop it, stop it." Ah, a beautiful morning experience everyone desires to have. Until I got myself fully awake it was a wave that kept hitting over and over, and even though I knew the cause, it was not something I was out to enjoy. I think about it now and I proba...