Deep Breath and Prayer

It has been an odd day. Not really bad, just odd. Who knows, "odd" may not even be the word for it. Maybe I should say, different that how life has been lately. Oh who knows what to call it. Today was session day and that had me waking up with my friend anxiety. Working through things we are is really uncharted territory for me and so the general unexpected had me a little on edge. I knew it would be alright, I just needed a few extra moments to convince myself. I have continued to struggle in my relationship with God. He just is not going to give up on me for nothing. I'm ok in the "He loves me" side of things. I read my letter almost daily and read that first paragraph over and over and over. I still struggle in my own worthiness. Yes, I understand we are not perfect, yet I have this idea in my head that where I am and where I should be in life are so far apart. I feel like God has expectations for me - what I should be doing, how I should be living, etc. and ...

Tomorrow will be three weeks that Big Tess and I have been on our new adventures as roommates. From scared and timid having nightmares to wagging her tail and barking in her sleep, I think she is adjusting well. So here are just a few Tess moments for the record books. Why not? Sometimes it is nice to go back and read something that is fun and light. Oh how I have missed snuggling. Ali was quite the snuggler, Tess seems to have it down pretty good as well. Although she starts the night at the foot of the bed, by morning she is laying on top of me or my pillow (or fighting me to take the pillow away). The more love you give her the closer she snuggles. Yup, no arguments here. She is even starting to pick up on the phrases, "take a nappy" and "go night-night". Kisses. Yah, she's getting sneakier with those. She was so timid when I brought her home that she would hardly look you in the eye. I have spent countless times holding her head in my hands and giving her ki...

I don't understand. Seems to be my phrase of choice and there is good reason, I just don't understand. Let's chat a bit about these eating issues that are kicking my ass. Yes, the one where I ate 1/2 a PB & J this morning, cussing at every bite of it because putting half a sandwich on my food journal looks better than no sandwich at all. I really didn't feel like eating this morning. Part of that was simply that I was not real hungry. Honestly, I just wasn't hungry. The other part was that I got dressed before I ate. The pair of pants I put on were a bit snug. Now, here is how this plays out - rationally, yes they were snug because they have not been worn yet since being washed and all denim pants are snug that first time out of the dryer. Although I know this, what won? "Pants snug....gaining weight....no eating....bad Blewy." I don't understand this. What is going on in my brain that the negative wins?? What is going on in my brain that the posit...

I have owned a lot of knives (and still do) yet nothing is as wicked cool as my blue one. Knife on one side, razor on the other, metal casing. This gal has seen a lot of action, especially body work on the Mustang (thus the primer stains from wet-sanding). It's a nice little go-to piece that comes with a lot of intimidation as well. It's the only knife of mine that Jordan is not allowed to mess with - yes, he can play with my machete, yet is not allowed to touch this one. Of all my knives, it is also the only one I have many times about taken to session with me and handed to Chris. This knife also has a history of darkness, it was my blade of choice last year.....a week from today to be exact. It has been the one I have picked up different times since and ran across my hands over and over. When you feel like you are losing control of things, you grab onto to something you know you can control. For me, most times this is not really a healthy choice (I am working on it). There is...