Deep Breath and Prayer

Yes, you know I couldn't let 2013 get away without some kind of a resolution post. I can thank a FB post for a little help with this one. My friend posted a link to this article " 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself " this morning and I thought it was great. Although not all of those pertain to me, many do. I use a few as a base for my continued healing in 2014. With that, here are my thoughts, comments, jokes, dreams, one-liners, or whatever else I may call them as they come!   1. Breathe and stop being scared (to live, to breathe, to make a mistake). I have not been so aware of my breath as I have the past 6 months. Who knew you breathed so much?? I have learned that controlling the breath can be a lifesaving tool in any situation from anxiety to anger to just calming down to fall asleep at night. While struggling this summer, I was given this mantra and told to say every day, as many times a day as I needed - and to just breathe calmly and slowly while reading it. Even...

It is a powerful action to fully let go or something or take that leap of faith and change. It takes a lot of trust in yourself to release something and not immediately turn back for it. To step up and make a commitment to change is uncharted territory and scary. I talk about it a lot. Maybe now is the time to start backing up the words. It is worth a shot, eh? Self hate. Listen my friend, you did not create this even though you were taught how to fuel it. I know it has been the default for far too many years. There is no need for it anymore. You have put it down as your go to emotion and I applaud you with all I have. You have a good heart and soul. You love unconditionally and would give all you have to anyone in need. You are a wonderful person. You are a leader who walks side by side, teaching by example. Know that the person looking back at you in the mirror is not horrible. You are something. The world would not be a better place without you. I know asking you to love yourself is...

Last night before going to bed I sent an email to someone just noting that I was ok. There had a been a few bumps in the road, yet I was ok. I woke up this morning, rolled over, and thought to myself, "liar." You see, I don't need others to call me out, I do it quite well myself. So maybe "liar" is a little harsh. That implies a premeditated action to deceive and I don't do that. That isn't nice and it's not honest. I would like to think that I am nice and honest....maybe too much sometimes. I am ok. I am. I should be, I say it to myself a lot every day. Sometimes in my head, sometimes audible. One of these days I am going to try and keep count how many times it passes through my mind. I am guessing enough that I would quickly lose track. There are times I get these rushes of emotion that hit me, kind of like an unexpected breeze on a still day. They hit and you are caught off guard for a moment. With a deep breath I tell myself "you are ok, you...

My brother called to check on me this morning. Poor guy, he was the recipient of my "bad things I want to do right now" phone call yesterday. Filled him in on the latest information and he reminds me of how I was able to get through it without giving in and jumping off the wagon. Then he made me laugh. He is good at that. He's a good guy. I know I make him worry a lot yet he doesn't ever complain. It is better today. Was still a little rough around the edges this morning as I woke up with a fair amount of anger still churning. I have to cut myself some slack at some point, focus on the positive. Instead of hitting level 10+, it was more like 8.75. This is good, very good. Something is working in it all. Sure will be glad when it is 5 or less or even not even an issue, yet 8.75 is a win. Once again I find myself standing up, taking a deep breath, cleaning up my internal path of destruction, and starting back up the ladder. Stomp out the last few embers, rake out the as...

I had this amazing post all set to go and started and maybe somewhere in a few days from now I might actually try finishing it. It was pretty good, a comparison of faith vs knowledge in connection with the things we have learned in class. Yes, it was a good one. Then I got a 15 minute phone call that has me so riled up that I can barely see straight. Nope, no finishing that warm, fuzzy post. Backspace, backspace, delete, delete, delete. Yet, I continue to write. At the moment, it is the safety net. Oh you would not believe the list of self-destructive things going through my head right now. This is where you pull the cord that makes the O2 masks in the plane drop down and you start sucking air to save yourself. Here that translates to sit, don't move, turn the radio up really loud to drown out the thoughts, and find something to externally focus on. Oh, and breathe. That seems to be a good thing to do. What was that said to me a while back, if I am breathing, I am winning. Just kee...

It's kind of dangerous for me to be writing right now. I'm super tired yet I can't seem to get the brain to shut down. At least I am not on Ambien anymore, so I will actually remember this tomorrow. Oh those poor souls who got "drunk on Ambien" texts and phone calls. Yah pretty much told doc no more of that! Have to admit, the Facebook posts were hilarious! Someday...maybe in the next life I will actually recall doing all those different communications. Lots of thoughts from my meeting today. Really has had me pondering and considering and then thinking "what if" scenarios. Good ones, that is. There's only a week left in this year. Sure there will be the whole resolution thing, yet what do I want to leave behind when the year changes? I've been able to dump a lot of baggage and there's plenty more to go. My brain churns away trying to find things to toss in a last ditch effort. There are a few things that come to the top and I just look at th...

And here we are, officially Christmas break. It didn't take too long on the drive home yesterday for the depression to start in. I guess I haven't dealt with it for a while as it was almost an unknown feeling. Who would have though that of all people, I would forget what depression felt like. As I thought about it I realized I have had some down days, yet I haven't had the severe depression. I guess that's a testament to the things I have been learning and work I have been doing. As well, a big pat on the back for those who have been teaching me and helping me along the way. I always thought depression sucked and now that I've been away from it for a while I have concluded that it really, really does. I handled it well, I went to bed for a few hours. I wasn't running way, I was truly exhausted and the answer I kept getting from my body was to rest. So I figured why not actually listen to my body for once? It's still lingering around today yet it on the low s...

I would like to think that if God were to write me a letter today, it would go something like this: Dear Blewy, (yes, God would call me Blewy) I love you. I wanted to say that first because if you remember nothing else from this letter, that is the most important thing. Even when you thought I did not or the many times you tried to make me not love you, I did. I always will. I know that is hard to comprehend sometimes yet it is true. On the days where you can't buy into it, just believe it because I said so. On the days where you feel it, relish it to its full extent. It is yours, enjoy every moment of it. Alijandra says hello. She misses you just as much as you miss her and she says she will be first in line to greet you when that day comes. Her body is perfect and she chases every heavenly squirrel that she sees. I know it was hard to let her go, 15 years is quite a long time. As your one constant through a lot of good and bad, I had charged her with quite a mission. Remember I p...

Found myself leaving class tonight, getting in the car and going, "What the heck is your problem? Settle down!" I've started to get good at recognizing triggers with the anxiety, then there are times it feels like it just hits you out of left field and you are taken completely by surprise. There was a while there at the beginning of class where I didn't think I was going to get it under control. I just kept thinking, "this is a safe place, just relax" and then just started praying. Not sure what that was all about and I hope that is the last time it happens in class. I left to realize it was a full moon (close enough) so I am totally blaming it on that. Ok, so maybe there were a few things on my mind yet it is much easier to blame it on astrological events. The holidays are here. Ah, the time of year where my brother and I just look at each other, grunt to acknowledge our unified feelings of Nov 1 - Feb 1, and then suck it up. Neither of us are Scrooges, we ...

I'm awfully happy these days. Even through a few low times these past few weeks, I am happy. Now, this is different from my general "happy self" that most people see on a regular basis. This is something inside, something deep. It is something that in the quiet moments stands out because it is something new - or something that has been absent for a very long time. A few weeks ago I pulled out my scriptures in Spanish. The missionaries had contacted me, as they had met someone who wanted to hear their message and neither one speaks Spanish. They asked if I could come teach and/or interpret for them. I was excited to help. As I was flipping through the pages, having a little walk down memory lane from my mission, I found some writing on two of the blank pages in the front. It was all in Spanish and it was my handwriting. It was strange because it had a date of July 31, 2000 on it and I served my mission from July 95-Dec 96. I did not remember writing it so I started reading...

Up to now, I have not posted photos and it may be a while before I do again. I think this time is ok. I like to go back and read my past posts. When I need some uplifting, they help get me there. When I am doing good, they remind me of how far I have come. There is a pattern of healing in the words written and the many more words that are not included. If I inspire no one else in this journey, I inspire myself. This is an important week for me, I have an anniversary. Tuesday is my 1 year mark from surgery. I thought about just letting it come and go quietly, yet when it comes to reminding myself that I really can achieve things, this is a pretty solid one.  People are stuck with me. I'm going to be around a lot longer. No one seems to be complaining. In reality, I never thought I would live past 40. I figured that by 40 my health would have done me in or I would have done something stupid to myself. I remember sitting in my therapist's office on my birthday going "what do...

It is fact that in some circles I am an urban legend. Then there are some places that I am more like the prodigal child. It is ok, I love it. I always get a chuckle when I return to visit somewhere and hear "you mean you're Christy Blew??" Yes, I really do exist and the stories are most likely true. It would seem that I leave a lasting impression no matter where I go and I can't lie, it makes me smile. While out of town the other day I spent the afternoon with the sister missionaries going to appointments with them and driving them around to save their miles. I had met these two earlier in the fall and told them the first time I was visiting and had the time I would go out with them if they had not been transferred. They were excited to have me with them and even more excited when they asked "are we your family now too" and I replied "of course!" It would seem that among the 250 missionaries in the St. Louis area mission, one of the big goals is t...

October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...

I didn't do so good yesterday. I had the perfect opportunity to put a lot of skills into play and I dropped the ball. There it was, the perfect storm that I could have taken on and I reduced myself to less than I knew I was before it. Yes, physically I am not at 100% and that generally is a catalyst for these types of situations, yet at the end of the day it only equates to an excuse. I had the chance to prove myself and I didn't. I think it is time to add a new saying to my bathroom mirror: "This is when you use your skills." re·deem: transitive verb \ri-ˈdēm\: to make (something that is bad, unpleasant, etc.) better or more acceptable So how about some redemption? Instead of kicking myself for yesterday, can I redeem myself? Yes, I can't change yesterday, how I felt or how I reacted, yet I believe I can I find some peace with it. Therefore I am taking the hand offered to me last night and standing back up to see, with help of their guidance and my own thoughts,...

I like winning. I am not going to lie. I liked it when I was an athlete and I liked it when I was a coach. There's nothing like a great game and at the end of it you come out on top. Of course when I started coaching I always taught the kids that it was more about what you gave than what the scoreboard said. If you gave it everything you had, then you won. Sometimes the scoreboard doesn't show in our favor, yet our hearts do. I can't lie though, it is nice to see your team with the higher number when that final buzzer goes off. So what about losing? I hate to lose. I hate to lose even if I have given it every last drop of energy I have. I don't care if it is an athletic event or battling everyday life. I hate to lose. At some level you learn to accept it yet that does not mean you have to like it. I try to look at loss as a learning experience. What did I do? Where did it seem to fault? What can I change next round? The worst loss is the one you see coming and you know ...

I've been wanting to write for several days now and have kept telling myself no. I'm fighting "the crud" as my grandmother always referred to it as, and since I am on this new thing of taking care of myself, I actually went to the doc and got some medicine. Sinus infection and bronchitis. Yup, right on time for it's annual appearance. So why no writing until now? When I am sick, I am grumpy and very opinionated. I make the "man-cold" look like a walk in the park. It has been threatened that when I get sick people will put one of those lighted marquee signs in my front lawn that says "enter at your own risk" on it. I whine, I gripe, I am annoying. I can't make up my mind if I want to be left alone or cuddled (even though cuddled is not even a plausible option). I also seem to speak my mind much more bluntly than when I am not sick. People avoid me. It is ok. I am very aware of how I am and therefore do all I can to avoid people. I know I bec...

There is something freeing when you dance. Not dancing at a club, but choreographed dancing. No matter the style, you lose yourself in the movement and music. Life can't touch you when you dance because at that moment you are life itself.  For a couple years before I moved back up here, I had the chance to tap again with a dance company. Dancing was the last item on the list of things the doctors told me I would never be able to do again after hurting my back in the mission. I had danced from the time I was 3-13 and then again in college. To take to the floor again was exhilarating, fun, and even as big as I was, I was still good at it. Oh how I had missed that feeling. My only regret was that I didn't do it a few years earlier. I often joke that Heavenly Father gave me the heart of a dancer and the body of a linebacker. Since I moved I don't have the chance to dance with that troupe, yet each year I return for performance week and run the backstage crew. Once a dancer, alw...

Class starts back up again tonight. We are moving into the "emotional regulation" section. Anything with the word "emotional" in it makes me weary. Along with the emotional craziness of the past two weeks that has been my life, I've spent as much time as I could looking ahead, reading up, and trying to get my mind around what is down the line for this section. In my mind, preparation is going to be the key to this one. I feel a little more comfortable about taking it on in class, and although I may not know the correct words to use for an answer, I don't anticipate an internal breakdown. Disaster averted! I decided to start a new thing this week. Since I have such difficulty coming up with words to describe my emotions, I wanted to pay more attention to just what my body was feeling at different times. I am quick to slap one of the 3-4 standard emotional terms to a situation - I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm sad, or I'm angry. I got to thinking ...