Deep Breath and Prayer

I'm thinking this should be an email to Chris, and I am opting not to. I don't know where it is going to go and if it is just rambling, then I would feel bad emailing it. I am sure it is just "adjusting to a new life" kind of stuff and somewhere, somehow I will figure it out. I texted 35 and asked her if during recovery did she ever feel like she was going insane, like things were not making any sense and you felt really confused. I feel like I am loosing it. For the past few days there have been these positive events from random people in my life. Unsolicited "you are good" comments, phone calls, messages. Random, out of nowhere kind of things. Not going to complain, it has been nice, it has been like some kind of affirmation that I am moving in the right direction, that I am traveling down the right path. There is a small sense of confusion caused by it as well - why would people randomly say/do things like that for/to me? I don't understand. Today is ...

I feel weird. I think this is the self-compassion thing. It is not a good/bad thing, it is just different....it is vaguely familiar, yet like something from long ago that has crossed my path again. Yah, I guess that would be a valid description. I am not quite sure what to do with it or how to react to it. I know, just let it happen and go from there. Sometimes I do not understand really what that means. Does that mean I try to analyze it, try to describe it, ignore it and just let it exist? I am finding myself kind of confused through it. I get what is happening, just not sure how to proceed with it. I have learned not to ask, "is this normal?" I once in a while will go with, "is this typical?" The general answer is usually something to the effect of, if it works for you and it is not causing harm, then it is most likely ok. Just wish someone could explain to me what it is I am feeling and experiencing. I know it is not bad, it is just new (or new again). It would ...

I can remember the boys doing this when they were young, and I do believe I did it a few times when I was young too. They would come to you with a "boo-boo" which may or may not have been visible. They would ask for a band-aid. Now, whatever the injury was (or was not), it really didn't warrant a band-aid, yet in their eyes, that was the thing that was going to make everything better. At times one might try to tell them that there is nothing there (or it is not as bad) and it didn't need a band-aid, and they knew what they needed to feel better. You pulled out a band-aid, put it on, maybe even gave the spot a kiss, and off they went to the next adventure. Whatever it was that was hurting them was suddenly better. I took my gloves off when I got home last night and looked at my hand. Again, rubbing my fingers over the cuts, feeling the roughness of the skin, my heart aching. The cuts are healed up as far as I am not bleeding anymore and for the most part are starting t...

It is better today. I was promised that it would be. It is slow going. While talking with a friend today I noted that it is different this time. I am not sure if I can explain it, yet something is different. Previously, an incident was followed by a lot of beating myself down emotionally. Get punished, get over it, move on. I didn't ponder on it, I didn't try to figure much out, I just hid it away quicker than a pregnant teen in the 1950's. A part of me is letting it hurt. Ok, so not the destructive, bad kind of hurt. Not the "damn my hand aches" hurt, yet the "my heart is sad, I am sad" hurt. That block of emotions that I was always so quick to run from and dissolve any existence of. It causes a little push/pull in it all as this is not really a skill I am familiar with. Although far from "wallowing in sorrow," just allowing the emotions to exist and come as they will is different. Then becomes the whole question of trying to figure out not on...