Deep Breath and Prayer

Well hello Christy. Hey. Nice to see you, and you know you can't stay here. I know. Things have just been so confusing lately. Things are changing fast, things have me feeling lost. Sometimes it is feels like too much, too fast. Figured I could come back here for a moment and just remember when it all felt right. I see. I knew this would be a harder part of your journey and that is why I have sent you some of my finest angels.  Oh yes, they are wonderful and amazing and I do not know how I could get through things without them. Thank you for allowing them to be a part of my journey. Why don't you share with me some of the things on your mind? I know you have a lot of thoughts mingling together, so just tell me some of them. I know everyday is a new day and a new chance to define our journey. I also know that I am who I am because of the journey I have been on, even though it has been difficult at times. You see, that is one part of it - I am who I am because of what I have gone...

I'm getting there...I am getting close to the end of the day and have not hurt myself yet. Yes, it is still a possibility. I did find a positive in all of this, with the head games and all these past few days, I have not had too many negative thoughts in regards to food. Seems like "I hate myself for eating" dropped pretty low on the list this week. I feel like two people. One that is out there, helping others, serving, doing and being all those things I am supposed to do and be. Then, there is this other side that has been a growing struggle - the one that is on the emotional roller coaster, the one that wants to punish, the one that is just a scared kid looking for some kind of outlet. It has been extra hard these past few days. Usually, when I get in the "must punish self" mindset, it comes and then it goes (sometimes acted upon, sometimes not). It has been a really long time since I have had it stick around at this intensity for so long. It worries me, as th...

Yesterday I fixed a batch of chicken, vegetables, and quiona in the crock pot. When I got home from fishing, the house smelled amazing. It would make for easily 3-4 meals for Tess and I. I took out the crock so it would cool before I put it away. 7 am I woke up haunted by this thought, "I forgot to put the food away!" Sure enough, there it sat on the counter. My memory has its issues and when I am not 100%, it is worse. Checking the facts....um, yup, it is proven. Seems I am still struggling today. I feel confused, sad, and frustrated. I still want to hurt myself. I should rephrase that to make it more accurate... I want to make myself hurt. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to play replace emotional pain by using physical pain. I want to make myself feel pain, I want to punish myself, I want it to hurt. In my mind, I have done something wrong and if I make it hurt enough then it can go away. I will have paid my price. Problem is, I do not have a "paid in...