Two people

-
I'm getting there...I am getting close to the end of the day and have not hurt myself yet. Yes, it is still a possibility. I did find a positive in all of this, with the head games and all these past few days, I have not had too many negative thoughts in regards to food. Seems like "I hate myself for eating" dropped pretty low on the list this week.

I feel like two people. One that is out there, helping others, serving, doing and being all those things I am supposed to do and be. Then, there is this other side that has been a growing struggle - the one that is on the emotional roller coaster, the one that wants to punish, the one that is just a scared kid looking for some kind of outlet.

It has been extra hard these past few days. Usually, when I get in the "must punish self" mindset, it comes and then it goes (sometimes acted upon, sometimes not). It has been a really long time since I have had it stick around at this intensity for so long. It worries me, as the longer it persists, the more wore down I seem to be becoming. I am not in a good place, I am not ok. On top of it, I don't know who to ask for help because I don't know the help I need to ask for. Am I a danger or a threat to myself? As far as taking my life, no. As far as doing harm to myself, about as close to yes as I can get without having to say yes. You see, if I say yes then I can't hide behind some transparent piece of denial.


Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more