Deep Breath and Prayer

Well, I will have to say, I did not do too bad of a job with the photoshopping of the truck accessories. Not going to go into the whole sharing of thoughts for today as that could find myself back in an emotional place that I just got out of. Let's just thank Heavenly Father for putting the right people in my path today to keep me safe.

Hi mom!!! I missed you and I did just fine being by myself!!! Oh, smoothie?? Can I have some of that?? Thanks! Yup. Loved for my food. Struggling again. Really started in about 2 hours ago. Overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair. Cue the "here we go again" thoughts. Watched a movie to distract myself a bit. It was a comedy and I am not sure if I even laughed. There is something wrong with me. It is like I know 2 + 2 = 4 and I am continually finding myself answering that it is 5. I don't know. I try, I really do. I do not know why I keep tripping, as there is nothing there to trip over. I really wanted to hurt myself earlier....like on a scale of 1 to 10, it was well over a 20. I thought it, I "saw" it, and I seriously contemplated it. I applauded myself on how well I seem to have really incorporated everything that everyone has helped me and shared with me in the past 24-48 hours. Yup, sure learned a lot, didn't I? I even was at the "if I had a ...

Well, didn't see my little buddy today and I did do my hair for her. Rough day. My mind is so screwed up. I will have simultaneous conflicting thoughts. One side destructive and angry, the other optimistic and forward looking. For instance, right now I am angry with myself. I chickened out on hurting myself today. Had a plan and all, and couldn't bring myself to do it. Along side of that, pondering whether Chris would be willing to "kidnap" 35's concrete turtle with me and leave fun ransom demands. I wish I could express just how difficult it is at times to have that going on in my head. Tami says I made a safe choice and that chickening out was the winning choice. She got to babysit me today and then when she was leaving and knew I was not 100% (maybe my ability to stand up without trying to fall over) she finally pulled the "and what would Chris say at this moment" card on me. Well played Tami. It started in session, talking about the eating disorder b...

Head not quiet, peaceful, or playing nice today. Called into work, loaded the gear, and went fishing for a couple hours. Actually had some nibbles yet nothing caught yet. The demons can't go fishing for me, yet they were right there to find me when I got back in the car. Went and sat in Tami's lobby for a bit before I met up with 35 to take her truck to get its makeover. My hope is to have a fish by the end of March...if they finally wake up and start eating!

IT FINALLY CAME IN!!!! I always wanted a "mother's ring" - actually I wanted it to be with the names and birthstones of all my nephews, yet it has never happened. I saw this and contacted them to see if they could get all 6 names of "my kids" on there. I think it came out beautifully. Now we are all in it together. My wrist is getting full. That's ok. And yes, that is Oakwood girl's bball practice jersey. Lora found it in her stuff and brought it over with a "Um, I think this is yours" smile on her face. Sharing the best of the 80's rap with the nephews. They didn't seem to get it even as Joe and I sang the lyrics and did the dancing. I think they may have been a little embarrassed, especially when I did it on the front porch while they were waiting for the bus :) "Be You" - I think I am finally understanding this.

Ok, so it is not a "real" photo, yet this was my creation for today. I told 35 that if she went and saw Chris tonight that she could share it. Nothing like a little teamwork distraction! I did get Chris' eyes fixed as 35 noted they were the wrong color. Actually, I think 35 might have green eyes, I can't remember. One would think as much as I look at her eyes, I would know that. I have been having a lot of fun making these. Once in a while I can take something I enjoy doing and do something I enjoy with it. I will just need to have Chris and 35 keep feeding me scenarios to create. I told 35 I was going to put her little buddy on crutches. She chuckled. Seriously though, I really am having fun with these. Not only is it a good distraction, it is a great "look what I did!" thing for me to quietly say to myself and offer up my small little grin. Yup, so that is what we get for a photo today!

Sharing time: The Prophets speak for Heavenly Father" The children picked a prophet then told a story about them. Sure mommy, let's take a nap, I will just lie here on top of you. For years I have propped my door open with many things, all which I manage to stub my toe on at one time or another. Why I never thought of this before is beyond me yet I am feeling like a genius at the moment!