Deep Breath and Prayer

I was afraid that seeing my infamous Elder Erickson would be either awkward or it was going to tear my heart out of my chest. I think Heavenly Father knew what I was worried about and how much I just wanted a good moment to remember. The original plan got changed, which gave me a few options and in the end, I got to meet the parents and have some great one-on-one visiting, and get the good memories I was hoping for. As Chris would say, God is good.

 And I am home. It seems that it rained why I was in the hospital...like a lot. Have not seen the back flooded this bad for a while. Later on Lora and I took pictures of me with my fishing pole "fishing" in the "lake" I am able to keep things down if I eat slow, just a little bit at a time, and it is bland. It is a challenge when you are hungry, yet if it keeps me from puking, then let's do it. Now that I don't have the constant IV, I am also super thirsty. Of course liquids fall under the same category as food - a little at a time. Talk about a test in patience. Came home with a ton of medicine. Remember my proudness that I went from a shoebox of meds to none after I had surgery? Well, I think I need to find another box. Not too sure how long I will be on all of this, yet it is the only way I am managing to not throw up. Actually had to write out a schedule of what and when to take things because there are so many. Tessa was super happy to see me and has ...

Liquids finally stayed down...now for the real test.

Ann has come every day. Even crawled up next to me and let me lean on her a while. Day 3 win - IV out of hand and into arm. Still can't keep anything down.

Day 2 - Let's try some liquids.....fail.

So the afternoon went like this And ended like this

well, at least I did one thing right today

Easter Fishing. If you have to spend Easter alone, then do something that brings you peace. Kaufman Lake needs some miracle grow for the fish In the end I got 5 - that means they are waking up!

No need for captions :)

There are times when you pink elephant is far worse than the "think of a pink elephant" scenario. It is not cute, it is not nice, it is not pleasing to be around, it is just right down scary. I do believe my pink elephant(s) lately look something like this one above. Yup, maybe even scarier. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that there are times where you need more than one blue donkey, or that you go find your "secret weapon" blue donkey - the one that can pull you out of the depths of hell, even if it is just for a few moments. And maybe it is not so much the donkey as what things are attributed to that donkey. I realized today that I needed one of those donkeys. This past week has been long and difficult. Yes, I have made it and, as I have been told, I am supposed to celebrate that - still working on that piece. As well, it is not over yet, so no early celebrating anyways. I chose my super donkey, I cleaned off the piano, sat down, and played a while. Now, ...

Well, here I am again. I should buy stock in this place. Back to throwing up again, which has been going on for a week or so, yet now I am on non-solid food. Called my GI doc yesterday and again this morning and they say the earliest they will get back to me is later today. So, Tami said to get my tail over here. I am not winning too many battles this week...emotionally or physically. Was back in bed by 730 again last night. Woke up around 930 in a panic attack. Actually texted 35 and asked her if she would text chat with me for a bit until I could get settled down. She did. Got back to sleep after that yet woke up every couple hours through the night in the same way. Am on my own now until Tuesday and Tami made me promise I would not cancel my appointment with Chris. I afraid she will be mad at me because of everything that has happened this week. Now, I know from experience that she does not get mad, disappointed, frustrated, etc at me....yet, that does not mean there will not be a f...

Ann and I making the goodie bags for the primary children.

Much better fish... And it ate my hook too.

Little, and the first official catch of the season!

Finally got my pantry/food storage fixed up. Now I have a place to really put some extra food items. Thanks Chris, it turned out just like I hoped.

Well, I will have to say, I did not do too bad of a job with the photoshopping of the truck accessories. Not going to go into the whole sharing of thoughts for today as that could find myself back in an emotional place that I just got out of. Let's just thank Heavenly Father for putting the right people in my path today to keep me safe.

Hi mom!!! I missed you and I did just fine being by myself!!! Oh, smoothie?? Can I have some of that?? Thanks! Yup. Loved for my food. Struggling again. Really started in about 2 hours ago. Overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair. Cue the "here we go again" thoughts. Watched a movie to distract myself a bit. It was a comedy and I am not sure if I even laughed. There is something wrong with me. It is like I know 2 + 2 = 4 and I am continually finding myself answering that it is 5. I don't know. I try, I really do. I do not know why I keep tripping, as there is nothing there to trip over. I really wanted to hurt myself earlier....like on a scale of 1 to 10, it was well over a 20. I thought it, I "saw" it, and I seriously contemplated it. I applauded myself on how well I seem to have really incorporated everything that everyone has helped me and shared with me in the past 24-48 hours. Yup, sure learned a lot, didn't I? I even was at the "if I had a ...

Well, didn't see my little buddy today and I did do my hair for her. Rough day. My mind is so screwed up. I will have simultaneous conflicting thoughts. One side destructive and angry, the other optimistic and forward looking. For instance, right now I am angry with myself. I chickened out on hurting myself today. Had a plan and all, and couldn't bring myself to do it. Along side of that, pondering whether Chris would be willing to "kidnap" 35's concrete turtle with me and leave fun ransom demands. I wish I could express just how difficult it is at times to have that going on in my head. Tami says I made a safe choice and that chickening out was the winning choice. She got to babysit me today and then when she was leaving and knew I was not 100% (maybe my ability to stand up without trying to fall over) she finally pulled the "and what would Chris say at this moment" card on me. Well played Tami. It started in session, talking about the eating disorder b...

Head not quiet, peaceful, or playing nice today. Called into work, loaded the gear, and went fishing for a couple hours. Actually had some nibbles yet nothing caught yet. The demons can't go fishing for me, yet they were right there to find me when I got back in the car. Went and sat in Tami's lobby for a bit before I met up with 35 to take her truck to get its makeover. My hope is to have a fish by the end of March...if they finally wake up and start eating!

IT FINALLY CAME IN!!!! I always wanted a "mother's ring" - actually I wanted it to be with the names and birthstones of all my nephews, yet it has never happened. I saw this and contacted them to see if they could get all 6 names of "my kids" on there. I think it came out beautifully. Now we are all in it together. My wrist is getting full. That's ok. And yes, that is Oakwood girl's bball practice jersey. Lora found it in her stuff and brought it over with a "Um, I think this is yours" smile on her face. Sharing the best of the 80's rap with the nephews. They didn't seem to get it even as Joe and I sang the lyrics and did the dancing. I think they may have been a little embarrassed, especially when I did it on the front porch while they were waiting for the bus :) "Be You" - I think I am finally understanding this.