POTD and Thoughts - March 24

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Well, here I am again. I should buy stock in this place. Back to throwing up again, which has been going on for a week or so, yet now I am on non-solid food. Called my GI doc yesterday and again this morning and they say the earliest they will get back to me is later today. So, Tami said to get my tail over here.

I am not winning too many battles this week...emotionally or physically. Was back in bed by 730 again last night. Woke up around 930 in a panic attack. Actually texted 35 and asked her if she would text chat with me for a bit until I could get settled down. She did. Got back to sleep after that yet woke up every couple hours through the night in the same way.

Am on my own now until Tuesday and Tami made me promise I would not cancel my appointment with Chris. I afraid she will be mad at me because of everything that has happened this week. Now, I know from experience that she does not get mad, disappointed, frustrated, etc at me....yet, that does not mean there will not be a first time. Just feel like I try to do the right things and stay in the right frame of mind and keep peace across the board, and then just when I have some sense of balance with it all, I crash and burn.

I am mad at myself and everytime I try to do that positive self talk thing, I just get more mad. I know what to do what I should do, what will make things ok, and yet I still mess things up - beyond the *we are human, we will mess up* allowance. I keep waiting to hear from one of the family *we have been over this a lot, you know what to do*.

Hopefully no one thinks I am not trying. It all runs through my head about as much as everything else. I try to make lists, groupings, matches, not matches. What works, what worked, what did not. What happened here versus there. I am always analyzing, trying to make it all fit together, trying to find the combination that works and I can move forward and never look back, then I start on the next thing.

There has to be a different word than "why" in all this. From the beginning Chris has said to me that many times we will drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out the why and it is better to just start where we are and move forward.  Yes, makes sense and so there has to be another way to express that "trying to figure out why" piece.

Maybe it is not so much why as it is how the pieces go together. It is not that I need to know why they fit as they do as much as how. What is the structure, where is the weak point, how can it be strengthened. Seeing it in paper is one thing, yet I need to see it in my mind like holding a 3D model....looking, rotating, feeling, and observing. Now one might say in this sense how and why may be the same thing, yet in my head they are not.

Here is a possible example of how my mind processes something. This will either make sense or make me sound insane.

Chris has this dollhouse in her office that can be taken apart and put back together. The first time I got to put it back together, I did not just fit the pieces together and call it done. I looked at each piece closely, was it wood or veneer, what kind of wood, the edges - rounded or cornered. I ran my fingers along pieces as almost to build a model of it in my brain. The roof pieces, they were beveled on one side and squared on the other. I looked at how they fit into things. And so on. I understand to relationship between the pieces, how they connected and worked to support each other. I realized some pieces (like the roof) could fit different ways without compromising the structure.

That is how I generally work with things, I always have - I think that is why I like building and repairing things. As I think about it, I bet that could be frustrating to an observer. As I am examining things, they might be "just put it together." Yet, what's the fun of having something with pieces and not having some understanding of the interaction. It is my guess that this is where Chris would tell me "no, not everybody thinks that way" and I would say, "oh."

Transferring that to non physical things, like feelings and emotions gets tricky. Although I could "create the shapes" of the behavioral pieces, I can't "make them" fit together in any old way. So I put things together how I think they might go and see what happens, storing varibles and other information along the way. The more I try to explain it the more I am thinking it probably only makes sense to me...and that is ok.

I am not a bad person, I just see the world a little different.

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