Deep Breath and Prayer

It has been an emotionally charged afternoon and I have learned that there are degrees of that just like all things. It would seem that in reality, nothing is static and all things have levels and degrees. I am doing much better now. A couple hours ago I got a bit concerned. While using my knife to open a new CD that came in today, I had this overwhelming.....um, not sure the word to use....what is stronger than urge? "Urge" seems to imply that there was a moment or so in there where there could be something rational happen. This was a one moment all is ok and in an instance, without notice, I dang near had that blade across my arm. I guess the fact that I was able to get away from it means that there was some moment in there, yet it was most definitely an urge out of no where. All was fine then it was as if something in me rose up, screaming and demanding that I hurt myself. I immediately put the knife down and went and soaked in a hot bath for a while. I know it really didn...

Do you love yourself? Do you even know what that means? These two questions have been swirling in my head for a couple days now. Even after a long chat in session today, I am still not real sure of the answers. I seem to understand, though, that the answers will come as other answers have over time. Sometimes I replay conversations in my head (or out loud while I am driving). I got to thinking about the conversation we had today where Chris had me answer what it was about her that would make me think that she loved herself. I thought about what I said and what I might continue to say if I were to add more (after having a bit to think about it). In my thinking/talking to myself, I got to one reply that I am still not sure if it makes me "get it", totally stumps me of makes me want to run like hell. As I was conversing, I said (as to be replying to Chris if she were there), "you must love yourself, you are so compassionate and how could someone with so much compassion......

Ok, I dare you. I dare you to look at this picture and not smile. Yah, didn't think you could do it. I love my dog. She's pretty much a big dork, and I love her completely for it. She continues to make me laugh and hang in there a little more. I am continually surprised at how many of her quirks are so similar to Ali's. Maybe it isn't the dogs, maybe it is the owner. Ok, so I teach my animals bazaar things, yet they respond. As I watch her sleeping here next to me, I realize she is getting more gray in her face. In just these few months, her muzzle has almost become fully white. Even her eyelashes have changed to white to the point they contrast against her closed eyes. I am going to hope that those white hairs come from enjoying life. I do like to think that it has been good for her - coming to live here. I still think of Ali. I still miss her so much. At times, like at night, when Tess is under the blankets and we are sleeping, she will start to crawl out from getting...

Tonight will complete 63 days. What that means is next Monday, when I crawl in bed, pending I hang in there, I will have completed 70 days. That's another 35. I know I have been struggling lately with letting myself celebrate each day, each new pin. I think it is the demons trying to get a piece of the action. I go with this because the thoughts are too familiar, "it won't last" and the ever present feeling of being selfish by celebrating an achievement. I hear my mom and her famous rant about how when she does something it isn't to get attention or recognition (yah right), she does it because she wants to and never expects anything in return. Therefore through the years I bent this around into the notion that we do things (whether for ourselves or others) for many reasons, yet never to receive notice. Add too many achieving moments where the happiness was negated or tarnished and I learned it was safer to not celebrate. Even if I desired to do so, don't. And ...

I want to hurt today. I know, maybe not the best way to start a post. It's there, the strong desire to physically be in pain. I may be getting healthier, and yet that strong desire still comes around. Chris and I have had several discussions about desire and intent. We have an agreement in regards to my choices when the intent climbs to a certain level. My desire is pretty high, kind of at that all thought consuming level. My intent level is ok, not at zero and not at danger level either. I often find it hard to give things a number so I would say that, although I don't see myself running out into a busy highway, if I happened to be crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, I most likely would hesitate before slowly deciding to get out of the way or not. In other words, I most likely would let the car hit me. I am safe. I am crawled up in bed. I have taught Tess, "take a nappy?" Today it is not as much about sleeping as it is being in a safe, neutral spot. Ok, ...