Desire to just feel
I want to hurt today. I know, maybe not the best way to start a post. It's there, the strong desire to physically be in pain. I may be getting healthier, and yet that strong desire still comes around.
Chris and I have had several discussions about desire and intent. We have an agreement in regards to my choices when the intent climbs to a certain level.
My desire is pretty high, kind of at that all thought consuming level. My intent level is ok, not at zero and not at danger level either. I often find it hard to give things a number so I would say that, although I don't see myself running out into a busy highway, if I happened to be crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, I most likely would hesitate before slowly deciding to get out of the way or not. In other words, I most likely would let the car hit me.
I am safe. I am crawled up in bed. I have taught Tess, "take a nappy?" Today it is not as much about sleeping as it is being in a safe, neutral spot. Ok, tucked in under the heating blanket is not too bad of a perk either.
I have wrote plenty of posts about self harm issues. Sometimes I think if I look at it enough I might figure out some of the answers that are continually eluding me.
Here is what I know at the moment..There is a lingering "bad Blewy" feeling in my mind. There is that empty feeling in the pit of my gut. I am sad. And, I want to physically hurt as the reaction to it. Not real particular how it happens, just looking for pain.
I have made a good first step - recognized the possibility of self danger and therefore have put myself in a safe environment.
Next, let's see what we can figure out here. Ok, something has the negative thought track on replay...what's happened lately? As noted in my posts these past few days, my thinking and feeling have kind of been turned upside down. So, is this an effort by "the protector" to return things to a familiar (although unhealthy) routine?
Have I done anything wrong lately that might "deserve" punishment? Not that I can think of. Do not think I have harmed anyone lately, even unintentionally. I have done well at work. AR group this week went well. Church today was good.
I am curious....do I have to "hurt" or do I just want to feel something? Does it have to be pain? I know that has been the goto for a long time.
No, actually it has always worked like this (and this would be the first time I have allowed myself to verbalize this)....what I always have desired when this "feeling" comes around, is comfort and love. It is that desire to be held and assured that I am safe and ok. It is wanting someone to recognize the fear in my eyes and act on it to provide me reassurance. The initial need/desire has nothing to do with pain or destruction at all.
At some point, whether because I could not communicate that need or I did and it was invalidated, I developed the mindset that those feelings and desires were bad to have. I could not allow myself to feel that way because in the end it resulted in only more pain. Therefore, to change the path, let's just punish myself instead of loving myself when those feelings came along. A reminder that the desire to be comforted is wrong and not allowable. Hurt myself before someone else has the chance to hurt me. As time goes on, the process just rewrites itself to go directly to "bad feeling....must punish...must hurt." Something managed to reinforce the idea that hurting myself in order to "feel" was more effective than trying to find someone to offer comfort or security. Negative attention is still attention.
Does this mean I am suddenly going to jump up and go find someone to offer me comfort? Um, no. Still afraid of the rejection or invalidation. I try to sleep it off. Yes, kudos for not physically causing myself pain, although that only leaves an open desire waiting to be fulfilled. Left unattended, sometimes it only gets worse, it grows in intensity, it begs to be recognized and acted upon. I sleep in hopes it will go away.
Maybe I will dream of being comforted. Maybe that will make it happy and content. Maybe I will just have to ride out the desire to encounter physical pain.
Oh well.
Chris and I have had several discussions about desire and intent. We have an agreement in regards to my choices when the intent climbs to a certain level.
My desire is pretty high, kind of at that all thought consuming level. My intent level is ok, not at zero and not at danger level either. I often find it hard to give things a number so I would say that, although I don't see myself running out into a busy highway, if I happened to be crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, I most likely would hesitate before slowly deciding to get out of the way or not. In other words, I most likely would let the car hit me.
I am safe. I am crawled up in bed. I have taught Tess, "take a nappy?" Today it is not as much about sleeping as it is being in a safe, neutral spot. Ok, tucked in under the heating blanket is not too bad of a perk either.
I have wrote plenty of posts about self harm issues. Sometimes I think if I look at it enough I might figure out some of the answers that are continually eluding me.
Here is what I know at the moment..There is a lingering "bad Blewy" feeling in my mind. There is that empty feeling in the pit of my gut. I am sad. And, I want to physically hurt as the reaction to it. Not real particular how it happens, just looking for pain.
I have made a good first step - recognized the possibility of self danger and therefore have put myself in a safe environment.
Next, let's see what we can figure out here. Ok, something has the negative thought track on replay...what's happened lately? As noted in my posts these past few days, my thinking and feeling have kind of been turned upside down. So, is this an effort by "the protector" to return things to a familiar (although unhealthy) routine?
Have I done anything wrong lately that might "deserve" punishment? Not that I can think of. Do not think I have harmed anyone lately, even unintentionally. I have done well at work. AR group this week went well. Church today was good.
I am curious....do I have to "hurt" or do I just want to feel something? Does it have to be pain? I know that has been the goto for a long time.
No, actually it has always worked like this (and this would be the first time I have allowed myself to verbalize this)....what I always have desired when this "feeling" comes around, is comfort and love. It is that desire to be held and assured that I am safe and ok. It is wanting someone to recognize the fear in my eyes and act on it to provide me reassurance. The initial need/desire has nothing to do with pain or destruction at all.
At some point, whether because I could not communicate that need or I did and it was invalidated, I developed the mindset that those feelings and desires were bad to have. I could not allow myself to feel that way because in the end it resulted in only more pain. Therefore, to change the path, let's just punish myself instead of loving myself when those feelings came along. A reminder that the desire to be comforted is wrong and not allowable. Hurt myself before someone else has the chance to hurt me. As time goes on, the process just rewrites itself to go directly to "bad feeling....must punish...must hurt." Something managed to reinforce the idea that hurting myself in order to "feel" was more effective than trying to find someone to offer comfort or security. Negative attention is still attention.
Does this mean I am suddenly going to jump up and go find someone to offer me comfort? Um, no. Still afraid of the rejection or invalidation. I try to sleep it off. Yes, kudos for not physically causing myself pain, although that only leaves an open desire waiting to be fulfilled. Left unattended, sometimes it only gets worse, it grows in intensity, it begs to be recognized and acted upon. I sleep in hopes it will go away.
Maybe I will dream of being comforted. Maybe that will make it happy and content. Maybe I will just have to ride out the desire to encounter physical pain.
Oh well.