Deep Breath and Prayer

I learned some new terminology today - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Doesn't that sound big and scary. Yes, more scariness. Ang gave me several sheets to look at about it. I have not gotten to them yet, and that is a goal for this next two weeks. The "well, hell." moment had to do with talking about my fear of having stuff taken away - confidence, etc. It was pointed out that no one takes that away, I give it up. I have always been like this and I haven't. How's that for dialectics.  When was I good and confident? When I had others behind me "cheering me on" as you might say. I think of how easily I broke when that wasn't there. I sit here at the moment and wonder, what did you ever do "on your own" and it is difficult. It is sad that I have had to share the light from others because of fear of failing and being a disappointment.  "This is about you and no one else." That is what I imagine hearing from the therapy family. This ...

Oh my, just did it. Six paragraphs and I highlighted them all and hit delete. It's how I write, if it's too "something" it usually goes and I start over. Eh, it is what it is.  Been in Denver for the week at an accessibility conference. Been a tough one, my legs have been in a lot of pain, so walking has not really been my most favorite activity, and I have done plenty of it. This next week I will start shots in my knees, once a week for three weeks. If I can continue strengthening the muscles around my knees too, I should be back to some kind of normalcy.  I have been twirling all this information in my mind while here. It is a strange dynamic with time at a conference, you have downtime but not enough to "go and do" yet enough to "sit and think" for a while. It scares me, and when I get scared I want to run the other way.  Acceptance. It is going to be a big part of all this. Acceptance of who I am, what I am, where I am in life. Acceptance of bo...

Hello. Been a few years since we fired up the blogging. Needing a place to journal, keep notes, all that kind of stuff  - yah, and work through thoughts.  Working with Angela on this. She says to start I need something to be creative in. As we know, this blog (or the compilation of the many blogs that make up this one) has been a great place to express myself. Plus, I can write, well, rumor has it I can. Body Trust - walking the middle path. Sound familiar, that walking thing? (My knees say, please no more walking and thus I have to let my body know that this is figuratively.) So here are some notes we made today, then later...homework. Discernment, not judgement Divestment work, moving away from all/nothing, perfectionism, all "isms" Sustainable, internally sourced. My experience being valued and trusted Center on your story and your truth Understanding how you have been socialized (what's the root) AND willingness to at least question it A person of understanding, how y...

I'm in the middle of a spiral at the moment, a binging spiral. Once I got home I ate a banana, followed by peanuts, followed by dinner, which was a lot of food. Then I made a protein shake. It's sitting there, just percolating in my gut like something at Yellowstone Park. I sit down to write in hopes that by doing so will break the evil cycle that is happening. I weighed myself today - 325 now is the number. Before long 350 will be here like nothing. I am failing miserably. I need to get active, get moving. Forget the fact that my body doesn't do that very well and when I do, I pay for it in pain for days following, Yet, have to keep eating food. Have to keep shoveling that stuff down the gullet and watching the body expand. Who will every love the fat one?  I'm angry. I want to yell and scream. We all know I won't do that. I want to yell at myself out loud - look at yourself, look at what you are becoming again. All that work you did, all that effort, all that dedi...

Ok, I'm just going to crack up that the last entry was "day 7" because now it is like day 67 or who knows what. Welcome to the new norm, no seriously because no one can decide if it is safe to be inside hiding or outside around other people yet. Forget social distancing because no one really allows you to try it out in any kind of legitimate scenario. Do you know it's been 10 weeks since we have had church? Is that insane? I am going to say, I am so jealous of St. Matt's right now because they are now able to do communion. Granted, it's a "drive-thru" kind of thing, yet they have it down pretty well. Yah, I'm totally jealous. Can we have drive thru sacrament? Can I be Catholic for a day? I've actually watched so much Mass in the past 10 weeks plus the other St. Matt videos that I might be able to get at least a C on the Catechism test :) Yes, just kidding, don't worry, not jumping ship. I miss my people. I miss Courtney. I miss my therap...

Well, COVID 19 is still out there and we are all still quarantined. Yes, it sounds like a sci-fi movie. Welcome to the new world. Ann is running a low grade fever now and Evelyn is sick. I really thought it might catch me before her, yet she does have kids. The isolation sucks, it messes with my head. I went out yesterday and managed to stay out. Played in the shop and went fishing. That was well. The day before tried for a walk around the block, that didn't go as well. Made about 1/2 a block before the anxiety got me. Safe places good, all other places too scary. It is hard to keep track of things. I need to come up with a project for work, or start on my finals for class. Something that keeps me out of bed and keeps my mind busy. Yes, can clean the house and maybe that should be my goal too. I could count how many muddy paw prints come through the house as it keeps raining outside. Yup, glad I got out yesterday, today sucks. But I do get to "see" Chris at noon and Me...