Deep Breath and Prayer

What does it feel like? Can you tell it's coming on? Are there warning signs? Years ago when the anxiety was bad, I used to get asked these questions all the time. I didn't really have answers for them as I did not really understand the concept of being aware and having some idea of what to watch and feel for. Yes, there were clues, yet they were generally noticed when it was already too late. These past few days have about done me in. Whatever the eternal cause, I am weary and I am tired. My muscles are fatigued and my mind is exhausted. Blessed be the medication these past two days. It has quieted the anxiety down to where I can rest, I can sleep. I don't wake up shaking and trembling. The down side is, that the dose it takes to achieve that is a dose that keeps me from driving and being out and about. Most defiantly a "take only at night before not doing anything else" dosage. I have tried cutting it in half in hopes I could at least drive and be functional. Ya...

135. 135. 135. Why does that keep going through my head? Today the anxiety has the upper hand. I was not even fully awake when it set in this morning. I laid there for a round of the snooze on the alarm, then scooted to the end of the bed and sat there and just closed my eyes and breathed for a bit. It did not go too far. I figured it was just linked to having my annual review today and it would get better after the meeting. I said my humble little prayer and got up. Got through my meeting and waited for the anxiety to go away and yet it stayed. It would get quieter then louder, and it has not left yet. I've gone through the list - breathe, go outside and get air, distract, check my PLEASE MASTER, and more. When it calms, I give thanks. As if playing peek-a-boo, it shows back up unannounced. I stop for a moment, think about what I am doing, where I am, what am I thinking. Did I trigger it? Is there a pattern? None I can find. It's playing with me. We're up to 10 hours now. ...

"And what would you like for me to do about it?" Now, this line could be a positive thing if said in a way that you are trying to get the person to critically think about things and come up with some options instead  of just giving an answer. Yet, I don't think I ever remember that being the point. "I'm in trouble (as in distress) and I am scared." Cue above comment as reply. In the last 20 or so years, I can remember feeling I was in situations where I wasn't sure how I got there or how to get out of them and I was scared, as I felt I needed help. My plea for help came worded in various ways. You see, when you realize one way of asking doesn't work, you try another. All you want is help, and there has to be a right combination of words to get that. It is like picking a combination lock, if you try enough, you are bound to find the right order, the right words. You learn quickly though, don't be a bother. If I am in trouble and scared, then that ...

I have written a couple different posts to which I went back and deleted. There are just some thoughts and feelings I do not need to be putting on paper. Thank you Pinterest for writing my post today.