135
135. 135. 135. Why does that keep going through my head? Today the anxiety has the upper hand. I was not even fully awake when it set in this morning. I laid there for a round of the snooze on the alarm, then scooted to the end of the bed and sat there and just closed my eyes and breathed for a bit. It did not go too far. I figured it was just linked to having my annual review today and it would get better after the meeting. I said my humble little prayer and got up.
Got through my meeting and waited for the anxiety to go away and yet it stayed. It would get quieter then louder, and it has not left yet. I've gone through the list - breathe, go outside and get air, distract, check my PLEASE MASTER, and more. When it calms, I give thanks. As if playing peek-a-boo, it shows back up unannounced. I stop for a moment, think about what I am doing, where I am, what am I thinking. Did I trigger it? Is there a pattern? None I can find. It's playing with me. We're up to 10 hours now.
I try to ignore it - don't throw fuel on the fire, right? Opportunities to practice. Just like a kid who isn't get the attention they think they should, it keeps up, getting stronger and louder. I want to look at it and scream "what the hell do you want!" Maybe it is as easy as buying a candy bar from the kid raising money for his summer sport. Here is a dollar, please go now. Matter of fact, here is 5 dollars, please go away for a few days.
I can go home and try to sleep it off again. I have to be careful with this as once I lay down, I don't want to get back up, thus inviting other unhealthy behaviors. The thing is, even though the anxiety is still there as I sleep, I am oblivious to it.
Learn to sit with it. To a point, I am getting better with this simply because I have to in order to keep functioning. As it shadows me around work, I have to just let it tag along and do what it is going to do as I try to keep being productive. In down time, I sit quietly, not moving. Everything slows down. You might say the snow-globe settles. The problem is, I can't stay there forever, I have to move. When I move, it moves and we find ourselves back to fun and games.
135. I figured it out. A few weeks back, I was told to pick a number between 1-176, I chose 135. it was from the list of "pleasant activities" from the ER section of class. I was encouraged to go do #135 (or the one before or after if #135 wasn't appropriate). As I sat here with 135 going through my head, I got curious what that one was. It would appear that #135 is "Having lunch with a friend." Ha! too funny, considering I had lunch today with the PT from upstairs. I'm kind of glad that 135 was appropriate as 136 was "going to the mountains" and 134 was "playing volleyball". 137 and 138 would have just made the anxiety worse, so good call on 135.
Feeling calmer, I decided I would take a walk down the hall. The racers are getting ready to head out to Washington state for a race this weekend. It is fun to watch them get packed and geared up. By the time I reach the "roller room" (not quite 30 feet from my office) I'm shaking again. Mistake #1, I moved. I laugh with them for a few then make my way back. Running my fingers through my sand pile, I try to catch my breath. Today's anxiety has been accompanied by the "feels like someone punched me in the chest" effect. Yes, you can still breathe deep, yet it is like breathing through a coffee stirrer.
I close my eyes and think of the bricks. I try to remember the order of the colors. Yellow, red, green, blue...I think. Could be blue then green. Although it doesn't matter, it makes for a focusing moment. I think harder, were there six or nine of each color....stacked three high, how many across....two stacks of each color.
I make a mental note to double check that next session, maybe take a picture.
Got through my meeting and waited for the anxiety to go away and yet it stayed. It would get quieter then louder, and it has not left yet. I've gone through the list - breathe, go outside and get air, distract, check my PLEASE MASTER, and more. When it calms, I give thanks. As if playing peek-a-boo, it shows back up unannounced. I stop for a moment, think about what I am doing, where I am, what am I thinking. Did I trigger it? Is there a pattern? None I can find. It's playing with me. We're up to 10 hours now.
I try to ignore it - don't throw fuel on the fire, right? Opportunities to practice. Just like a kid who isn't get the attention they think they should, it keeps up, getting stronger and louder. I want to look at it and scream "what the hell do you want!" Maybe it is as easy as buying a candy bar from the kid raising money for his summer sport. Here is a dollar, please go now. Matter of fact, here is 5 dollars, please go away for a few days.
I can go home and try to sleep it off again. I have to be careful with this as once I lay down, I don't want to get back up, thus inviting other unhealthy behaviors. The thing is, even though the anxiety is still there as I sleep, I am oblivious to it.
Learn to sit with it. To a point, I am getting better with this simply because I have to in order to keep functioning. As it shadows me around work, I have to just let it tag along and do what it is going to do as I try to keep being productive. In down time, I sit quietly, not moving. Everything slows down. You might say the snow-globe settles. The problem is, I can't stay there forever, I have to move. When I move, it moves and we find ourselves back to fun and games.
135. I figured it out. A few weeks back, I was told to pick a number between 1-176, I chose 135. it was from the list of "pleasant activities" from the ER section of class. I was encouraged to go do #135 (or the one before or after if #135 wasn't appropriate). As I sat here with 135 going through my head, I got curious what that one was. It would appear that #135 is "Having lunch with a friend." Ha! too funny, considering I had lunch today with the PT from upstairs. I'm kind of glad that 135 was appropriate as 136 was "going to the mountains" and 134 was "playing volleyball". 137 and 138 would have just made the anxiety worse, so good call on 135.
Feeling calmer, I decided I would take a walk down the hall. The racers are getting ready to head out to Washington state for a race this weekend. It is fun to watch them get packed and geared up. By the time I reach the "roller room" (not quite 30 feet from my office) I'm shaking again. Mistake #1, I moved. I laugh with them for a few then make my way back. Running my fingers through my sand pile, I try to catch my breath. Today's anxiety has been accompanied by the "feels like someone punched me in the chest" effect. Yes, you can still breathe deep, yet it is like breathing through a coffee stirrer.
I close my eyes and think of the bricks. I try to remember the order of the colors. Yellow, red, green, blue...I think. Could be blue then green. Although it doesn't matter, it makes for a focusing moment. I think harder, were there six or nine of each color....stacked three high, how many across....two stacks of each color.
I make a mental note to double check that next session, maybe take a picture.