Deep Breath and Prayer

This really should be over in my other blog as it is something I built, yet it is for the ranch, and the ranch is part of my healing, which qualifies to be here. I am hoping that I can show this to Chris on my way to the ranch in the morning, yet just in case, I will post the pictures here. I had hoped to finish the apple tree tonight, yet I just ran out of time. I started getting tired and I was not making good judgments and so I decided it was better to stop. It is ok as it was my goal to have it done by Monday anyways, not tomorrow. I am really happy with the outcome. I am excited to see how they react at the ranch. Just wait till I get the tree done!! It started out like this - scribbles on a piece of paper. I had taken measurements at the ranch and then I got thinking, how cool would it be to make a "pond" that could sit on top of the water barrels? So then I had to figure out the miter angles for an octagon (22.5 degrees) and just let my brain go from there. I bought a ...

I have formed an opinion. I don't like the yellow workbook. How is that for a "tell us what you really think?" Ok, to be fair I guess I should offer an explanation and even with that, I am probably being judgmental. Yesterday I got to this point where once again I reading and they are explaining things and going toward this, what I have labeled the "and this is where you might end up" place. Ok, so early in the book when they noted that as you started working through things it was possible that you could have suicidal thoughts? This. References to thoughts, feelings, emotions, that may come up as you go through the things they have you do. And, all their "what you may feel" comments are very valid and I can stand back and see how one would (and really should) end up in those places. Then there is me. Yup. I don't seem to end up in those places. Now, I know that this is ok as each journey is individual. Got that. Here is the problem, it is hard to k...

Ok, maybe I am not ready to leave this alone just yet. You know me. While driving to work this morning I kept thinking about all of this and I just couldn't leave it alone. Well, maybe it is not that I don't want to celebrate, or that I don't celebrate, maybe it is the way I celebrate. Maybe it is the expectation of how one is to celebrate. Think about it - wouldn't you say that when someone says the word "celebrate" that there is a certain visual that comes to mind? Streamers, balloons, confetti, cheering, etc. That level of reaction is what I have always come to associate with the word. Celebrate = make a big to-do about something. Although I may have a few things that fall under that, I am not a big "to-do" person. Accomplishments and achievements are not bad or the enemy here. Celebrating them are not either. Even recognizing them are not evil. I think my hang-up is the how. Seems that if I can celebrate my accomplishments and achievements (a big...

Ok, is it ok to say that I am about over all this accomplishment stuff? Well, I guess that is a part of it all, getting me to "talk" about what I am thinking/feeling, eh? I don't know, it is making it all sound all so rainbow and puppy dogs..... list your accomplishments....ok, now let's be happy about them, let's cheer them on, whoo hoo, great job, you did wonderful, do the wave, fireworks!!! And then the next time you have and accomplishment, to which the book notes is any small thing, you should be just as excited. Look! I woke up! Whoo hoo! The world excites and angels come down from heaven! (ok, I know in the past there have been times where that really could have been a realistic moment). I guess my point is, at least for me, and at least for the things that I do, how come I have to make a big deal of things? I mean, yah, I am making progress and I am learning new things, and I am healing, and on and on, yet I am doing what I have to do in order to get bette...

Hey, I lived to be 45, there is an accomplishment. My mom and I speak in a civil manner to each other - another accomplishment. Anyways, last night was our September bday party down in Charleston and the whole gang had not seen me since the first part of the year, so they were full of questions in regards to how I was, what had been happening, and more. They were ready to listen and I had plenty to share. It was quite interesting as I listened to myself share a lot of the different things as I guess I really have made some big steps. Janet, my buddy who has been my big supporter down there, stayed after and we talked even longer. She just shook her head and said to me, do you even realize how far you have come in these past few years? I told her there were times when I didn't and she said that I need to remember that I have, that I really have come a long way, and to measure from the time I left down there to now, that I have made un-measurable change for the healthy. Maybe it is t...