Accomplishments
Hey, I lived to be 45, there is an accomplishment. My mom and I speak in a civil manner to each other - another accomplishment. Anyways, last night was our September bday party down in Charleston and the whole gang had not seen me since the first part of the year, so they were full of questions in regards to how I was, what had been happening, and more. They were ready to listen and I had plenty to share. It was quite interesting as I listened to myself share a lot of the different things as I guess I really have made some big steps. Janet, my buddy who has been my big supporter down there, stayed after and we talked even longer. She just shook her head and said to me, do you even realize how far you have come in these past few years? I told her there were times when I didn't and she said that I need to remember that I have, that I really have come a long way, and to measure from the time I left down there to now, that I have made un-measurable change for the healthy. Maybe it is time to look at the "my accomplishments" section of the workbook. Seeing that it is the next page and that there is no continuing forward without going through it, seems like a good time.
WHAT HAVE I ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED?
The book says that we survivors have a tendency to "minimize our accomplishments" (Nah, we don't do that)
I own a house. A cute little house. I never thought I would own a house. I suck when it comes to finances (not a judgment, a complete fact) so the thought of ever owning a house was never a real thought, it was a thought, yet more of a dream than a real thought. I love my little place. It is mine. It has "character" and it is far from perfect and spotless and has things all in their place, yet it is mine. It is kind of quirky and unique...a bit like its owner!
I own a car. Well, I do. I own a car that runs and will last. And after a long line of cars that were held together with duct tape and wire hangers, it is a blessing to have one that is dependable. Yes, this one does not have worries like opening the door and the whole door - hinges and all come undone, or turning the corner and the whole wheel assembly falls off. This car actually uses a key to start it and not a straight edge screwdriver. Interior items such as the stereo and lighter and not hot-wired into the brake light power line. Ah, and the best one, the toggle switch that was hacked into the dash to manually turn the radiator fan on and off because the sensor kept shorting out. Oh, yes, a long line of cars have passed through my possession.
I have a job, with benefits. That makes me, what, like luckier than 98% of the world or something according to those polls you see online. Yet, I am very blessed. I have a great job where I get along with the people I work with, I am accommodated with my health issues, I enjoy my working environment, I like what I do, I have amazing benefits, and so on. I am officially starting in my 17th year in the University system and really cannot imagine working outside of it, although if I had to, I would.
I have my health. As crappy as it might be sometimes, I walk, I breathe, I talk, I function, I can live independently. I may struggle with mental demons, yet it is that last one that is a pretty good litmus test - I can still live independently. Even at my worst, my health has not left me unable to take care of myself. I am sure there have been times when people have wondered if, due to my mental health, I should be left alone, yet that doesn't really count.
I have God. And angels....lot's of them. Psalms 91 includes: "9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; 10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." I imagine that Heavenly Father gets frustrated with me a lot, even though He knows how things are going to play out. He has never left me alone. He sent me down here with "a little extra" you might say and that is not always easy to deal with in this world. To see the world a little different, to see people a little different, to see life and all in it a little different, is a beautiful thing and it hard because it is not understood. Many times there are not ways to explain how I see things. God gets it and He has never left me alone, even when I have begged Him to. He keeps sending me angel after angel after angel. Some I recognize, some I don't, some He points right out to me. I fight this world. It is loud. It is angry. It is harsh. He helps me find the places where it calm, quiet, and peaceful, then helps me find people in those places.
So I think the workbook wants a laundry list of accomplishments, you know, the kind I do not like to write about. "I made it through this week without harming myself" and things like that. Or we could dig up the razor blade thing one more time and give it a good kick. I guess it is just proof of what it says in the first part, we don't recognize the small stuff. Chris and I will get into conversations sometimes and there will be something that I did (or did not do) and she will express that my behavior at that moment was a big step and should be celebrated and I just look at her. To me it is more of "isn't that what I am supposed to do?" And then again, if we go and play the "what if it were 35, would you encourage her to celebrate it?" and of course I would. So it all rolls around again to whatever that piece is that keeps me from celebrating the achievement because it is *my* achievement done by myself.
As for the follow up questions then:
Do I see myself as someone who can accomplish things?
Yah, I can accomplish things. I do not see any issues with this.
Was I able to come up with a list of accomplishments? What, if anything, surprised me about the list?
I came up with stuff and I think I summarized things pretty well as to my observations.
Do I tend to minimize my accomplishments as insignificant? If so, what would help me appreciate them more?
I don't know if I would call them insignificant, maybe. Maybe we need to get the dictionary out and look up that word. Do I have to appreciate them? I think I have the whole pride myth fear mingled in here as well if I start celebrating every little accomplishment.
WHAT HAVE I ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED?
The book says that we survivors have a tendency to "minimize our accomplishments" (Nah, we don't do that)
It is important to give yourself credit for all of your successes, no matter how small. If you wait to get to the end of the healing process, until you're "finished," before you recognize your progress, you'll wait forever. Each small step is a building block, an accomplishment in and of itself, and by acknowledging each step along the way you make room for further growth.You know, it is hard. It is hard to give yourself credit, praise, a high-five. For me, it is hard because I am afraid that it will be invalidated or taken away. So why allow yourself to feel something joyous if it just going to be taken away, and not even taken away nicely. Yet, the worst part is, you are not even guaranteed that it will be taken away. At least if you knew for sure, that pattern would be a norm and expected. Therefore, you have this horrible "maybe this time it won't happen" anticipation. Maybe this time I will be able to enjoy it, maybe this time it will be real, maybe this time it will be true, maybe this time. It has taken a lot to even make small steps forward with this and I still struggle with it. And even when I know it won't be taken away, it is still a small fear.
Make a list of things you've accomplished in your life so far. Include historical things:Well, I have an education - 2 degrees and a certification. Ok, 3 degrees if you count my Associates. And if we want to really be specific, in the process of getting those, there was being robbed, then the sexual abuse, dropping out of college, alcoholism. Then returning to school, working full-time while going to school, starting to see counselors and therapists for the first time, health issues, an extremely unhealthy relationship, family issues, mental health issues, my week vacation in the psych ward, and some times when I actually was not abusing myself physically or emotionally. And you know what, on top of it all, I finished my undergrad with honors and I graduated with distinction with my Master's. So, yah, I have an education and it may have taken 15 years to get it, yet I not only got it, I lived through a war to get it.
I own a house. A cute little house. I never thought I would own a house. I suck when it comes to finances (not a judgment, a complete fact) so the thought of ever owning a house was never a real thought, it was a thought, yet more of a dream than a real thought. I love my little place. It is mine. It has "character" and it is far from perfect and spotless and has things all in their place, yet it is mine. It is kind of quirky and unique...a bit like its owner!
I own a car. Well, I do. I own a car that runs and will last. And after a long line of cars that were held together with duct tape and wire hangers, it is a blessing to have one that is dependable. Yes, this one does not have worries like opening the door and the whole door - hinges and all come undone, or turning the corner and the whole wheel assembly falls off. This car actually uses a key to start it and not a straight edge screwdriver. Interior items such as the stereo and lighter and not hot-wired into the brake light power line. Ah, and the best one, the toggle switch that was hacked into the dash to manually turn the radiator fan on and off because the sensor kept shorting out. Oh, yes, a long line of cars have passed through my possession.
I have a job, with benefits. That makes me, what, like luckier than 98% of the world or something according to those polls you see online. Yet, I am very blessed. I have a great job where I get along with the people I work with, I am accommodated with my health issues, I enjoy my working environment, I like what I do, I have amazing benefits, and so on. I am officially starting in my 17th year in the University system and really cannot imagine working outside of it, although if I had to, I would.
I have my health. As crappy as it might be sometimes, I walk, I breathe, I talk, I function, I can live independently. I may struggle with mental demons, yet it is that last one that is a pretty good litmus test - I can still live independently. Even at my worst, my health has not left me unable to take care of myself. I am sure there have been times when people have wondered if, due to my mental health, I should be left alone, yet that doesn't really count.
I have God. And angels....lot's of them. Psalms 91 includes: "9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; 10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." I imagine that Heavenly Father gets frustrated with me a lot, even though He knows how things are going to play out. He has never left me alone. He sent me down here with "a little extra" you might say and that is not always easy to deal with in this world. To see the world a little different, to see people a little different, to see life and all in it a little different, is a beautiful thing and it hard because it is not understood. Many times there are not ways to explain how I see things. God gets it and He has never left me alone, even when I have begged Him to. He keeps sending me angel after angel after angel. Some I recognize, some I don't, some He points right out to me. I fight this world. It is loud. It is angry. It is harsh. He helps me find the places where it calm, quiet, and peaceful, then helps me find people in those places.
So I think the workbook wants a laundry list of accomplishments, you know, the kind I do not like to write about. "I made it through this week without harming myself" and things like that. Or we could dig up the razor blade thing one more time and give it a good kick. I guess it is just proof of what it says in the first part, we don't recognize the small stuff. Chris and I will get into conversations sometimes and there will be something that I did (or did not do) and she will express that my behavior at that moment was a big step and should be celebrated and I just look at her. To me it is more of "isn't that what I am supposed to do?" And then again, if we go and play the "what if it were 35, would you encourage her to celebrate it?" and of course I would. So it all rolls around again to whatever that piece is that keeps me from celebrating the achievement because it is *my* achievement done by myself.
As for the follow up questions then:
Do I see myself as someone who can accomplish things?
Yah, I can accomplish things. I do not see any issues with this.
Was I able to come up with a list of accomplishments? What, if anything, surprised me about the list?
I came up with stuff and I think I summarized things pretty well as to my observations.
Do I tend to minimize my accomplishments as insignificant? If so, what would help me appreciate them more?
I don't know if I would call them insignificant, maybe. Maybe we need to get the dictionary out and look up that word. Do I have to appreciate them? I think I have the whole pride myth fear mingled in here as well if I start celebrating every little accomplishment.