Deep Breath and Prayer

Had lunch today with sis. I tell ya, I do enjoy having her home. On the way back to my house I heard sirens. I looked around as I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I turned on my road, look in the mirror and saw the fire truck coming down the road on the other side of the highway. I chuckled and said to myself, "There it is, you dork." Normally, this would be nothing. I'm always referring to myself in some fashion as such. This time, when I said it, I immediately corrected myself. As soon as I said it, I had this thought of how is that little part of myself taking that? Granted, I was not saying it to be mean or destructive to myself, yet to a part that is still hiding in a world of black and white, how was that taken? I shared a lot of my thinking with Chris the other day, and my mind really hasn't stopped since. I shared with her how I woke up in the early hours of the morning and was like "I get it" in regards to self-compassion and non-ju...

A few weeks ago it stopped raining for a few days which left the perfect opportunity to burn off the brush pile that had been sitting there for almost a month. With a good dousing of gasoline, it burned quite well (yes, I had a hose near). This was going to be my ceremonial fire - a way to say goodbye to some issues. Lit after three hours of push-mowing, the only thing that fire was celebrating was the fact I could still stand up. When I originally made the pile and planned to burn it, I had this great course of action figured out. I would have some things written in regards to different aspects of my life that I either had managed to move on from or was working hard to do so. I would take the opportunity to look at them one last time then toss them in the fire and watch a lot of pain, sorrow, blame, and anger be gone (hopefully) forever. That didn't happen. It is ok, there is still plenty of brush that needs cleaned up out of my yard - plenty enough for another fire or two. My min...

Session today can be summed up as follows: At a young age I developed a thought process (for various reasons) where survival included punishing myself (even if it was not truly warranted), no matter the cost. Changing a cognitive pattern is much harder than changing a behavior. When you push away/distract from/avoid at all costs, one emotion, you are actually doing it with all emotions. I have this raging internal battle between what I am trying to do (change, get healthy, etc.) and the little kid who still thinks if I deviate, I will die.  In this dialog, I am not very empathetic toward that little one. I am actually very cruel and abusive. The little kid is still receiving the same unhealthy messages, except now it is from myself, not the outside. I have to learn to talk to the little one as I would another aside from myself. I would never say to my nephews, if they were scared, "suck it up and get over it." It is not about food, it is about fear (even though it feels like ...

Last year I was scared to death in class, namely because I had issues with the "group therapy" dynamic and I had not quite figured out that although it is a group and although it is therapy, there is a big difference. It was about this time last year that I started getting comfortable or at least not being so freaked out about the group as a whole. By the time we did pros/cons, I felt like I had found my place in the class. This group is *so* different. I expected it to a point yet, wow, it is really leaning toward an opposite pole. I had this picture painted in my mind of what it might be this round. Being there as a sophomore, I would at some level be an example or something. I would give feedback or answer some of the questions of the first timers with some wisdom and all that. My "experience" would give me some credibility or something. Oh heck no. There are some very "strong" (for lack of a better word) personalities in there. Not calling it good or b...

Saying goodbye never gets easy with the missionaries. Sometimes there is a little "down time" where maybe the ones leaving were not ones you were really attached to, and then some leave that all but break your heart. Sister Kofford is headed out this transfer. She has been here since she started her mission, 18 weeks ago. We have really become close in that time. I would tell her and her trainer Sister Robertson (who left last transfer) that they were my top sisters of this generation. They held the top spot along with Sister Sudweeks (now home) and Sister Scott (goes home in 6 weeks). We have made memories on top of memories. She was here when I put my first pin in my shoe and has been one of main supporters. I even helped her with a few "firsts". She had never ate at Arby's....check! Tonight, while at dinner celebrating Sister Biddle's birthday, she learned how to "flick a bic." Ah, good mormon kids. Did they never play with lighters? Apparently ...

I survived. I survived the Class of 89...for the 25th year :) It was good. After all the crazy, insane, could-not-make-up-stuff-like-this, roadblocks we kept running into while planning the reunion, it went off amazingly. Those who came thanked and complemented us for all our hard work. As the four of us planners gathered together a bit ago to take down decorations and call it finished, we simply agreed, we did good. Of course all four of us declared that we were never doing this again (we did the 20th too), then followed that sentence with starting to make plans for an annual class picnic starting next summer. I had a pretty amazing day Saturday and I am not even sure what category to put it under. Yes, the reunion activities were fun. At 8 am when we were waiting for the rest of the tent to be put up, we were all still freaking out a little. Of course, there had been a multitude of "I am so over this" said by each of us. By 10:30 when two of us headed to the park to start t...