Someday, it could be every day
I survived.
I survived the Class of 89...for the 25th year :) It was good. After all the crazy, insane, could-not-make-up-stuff-like-this, roadblocks we kept running into while planning the reunion, it went off amazingly. Those who came thanked and complemented us for all our hard work. As the four of us planners gathered together a bit ago to take down decorations and call it finished, we simply agreed, we did good. Of course all four of us declared that we were never doing this again (we did the 20th too), then followed that sentence with starting to make plans for an annual class picnic starting next summer.
I had a pretty amazing day Saturday and I am not even sure what category to put it under. Yes, the reunion activities were fun. At 8 am when we were waiting for the rest of the tent to be put up, we were all still freaking out a little. Of course, there had been a multitude of "I am so over this" said by each of us. By 10:30 when two of us headed to the park to start the fire for the picnic, leaving the other two on ladders stringing senior photos, we all had decided that there was not much more we could do and it was time to just go have fun. And we did.
I had a "secondary" experience with the whole thing, for lack of a better way to come up with a phrase. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was worried about my anxiety and issues going into the reunion. It was going to be a lot of stimulus and we all were already super stressed to pull off a great event. As well, my lovely cold was teetering on bronchitis (not teetering anymore, it's in my chest today!) I didn't want to have problems or crash or not be able to participate, although I was very aware that this could happen. Luckily, the gals are aware of my situation and we talked about the possibility of my needing to bow out if it got too much.
I decided on the way to the park that I was just going to take it as it came. I was not going to worry about things, I would do my best to just go and enjoy seeing old friends and laugh a lot. I would take any issues as they came. I had also decided that I was going to try hard and not let the food issues be a problem. At church this morning, in one of the talks, the line was said, "decisions determine direction." Yah, that was pretty awesome.
I hate to say "I was surprised" on how things went. I am not sure how to really explain it. It was a good day. The only way I could try to describe it was that for a little while, I got to experience what life could be like. I did so well. I didn't stress over the people or food at the picnic. I ate what I wanted, how much I wanted (or how little), and left it at that. I stood around and laughed, took pictures, and goofed off without feeling guilty or anything.
With the cold and dampness, my knees and hips started giving me problems, yet I just pulled a chair up in the middle of the crowd and sat down. No one made a big deal about it, no one called me out, it was real nice. Janet, Tracy, and Kim would give a look or a hand on the shoulder once in a while to inquire if I was doing ok. I would give them a smile and a nod in return that I was. We had not talked about a "signal" between us, and yet it worked. It was really enjoyable to just enjoy and not feel like I had all this pressure or stress on myself. I just went with it.....and I noticed the difference, I realized it was different.
We ended up back at the tent to finish up decorating and we just kept laughing, actually more than we had. The picnic was good for us as everyone had a great time even with only about 1/2 of those who RSVP'd showing up. It gave us confidence that it was all going to be ok. In the next few hours we converted a bare tent into an amazing venue. The other girls left about 45 minutes before I did as they laughed and said "we need more time than you do to get ready." I came home, showered, got ready, printed off signs, and was back up there in about 45 minutes.
I even did well with the dinner. We would be opening the party up to the public when the band started and that was a worry of mine - that would be a lot of people (most who would already have a lot of alcohol in their system) in a small space. I figured, just as with the rest of the day, I would take it as it came.
Classmates started to arrive and it was great. There were several that had not been to any of the reunions and that I had not seen since high school. There was a lot of hugging and picture taking. Everyone commented positively on the effort we had put into it and thanked us all throughout the night. The senior picture collage was a great hit. I was excited to see my buddy Mel who had came from Florida. Hadn't seen her since graduation and that was a long awaited hug. We were senior buddies in basketball and she was my assistant Editor in Chief on the paper. We spent a lot of long nights putting together editions of the Oakwood Times. As well, my dear friend Lenny was able to make it. With our arms around each other I noted that I would be happy if we didn't wait another 25 years before we saw each other again.
My classmates had me pour the first beer from the keg as I had never had the experience of filling up a glass of beer from a keg. Yes, it is pretty much the given that I am the only member of the class who doesn't drink, so they find it funny to have me do these types of things. I just laughed, and now I can say I have gotten beer from a keg!
When I was at church this morning, someone said "Um, saw you getting beer from the keg." I just smiled and said, "did you see the photo of me "drinking" from the vodka bottle?" See, it doesn't bother me one bit. It is not like actually drank it! (beer = nastiness. the vodka? ok, that was tempting!)
I bowed out about 9:30 or so. I was starting to get real tired and I could feel my body starting to wear down. I knew I was done. By then the tent was full of non-classmates to hear the band, some of the class had already left, and the keg was emptying fast. Usually I would have felt guilty about leaving or would have made myself stay even though I knew I should go. I just smiled, started saying goodbyes and headed out. Let my planning buddies know I was ok, I was just getting tired and it was time for me to go. I listened to my body and my mind, I made choices that were based on my own desires and wants, I acted on them, and I didn't feel bad or guilty.
It was a good end to an amazing day. A day that was a lot different for me than any recently. I was aware of it, I enjoyed it, I let it happen, and I also realized that it could just be a moment in time. I thought on how many times I have heard Chris talk about just enjoying the good times as they come and hopefully that makes the rough ones a little easier to get through. This was a good one, I think there was a lot of skill usage through the whole day.
Now, I would like to say I came home, fell asleep and it all ended without any issues. I did good until I stopped and laid down, then it all hit. My legs started cramping and the shakes started. I don't think it was so much anxiety as the "come down" from the physical push of the day. You know, on paper I may be physically healthy as a horse, yet I know when I exert myself and push my body, as soon as I stop, it is like it retaliates. I don't know what that is, I don't even know if it is something they can test for to find out, all I know is that it happens. Sometimes it just lasts a little bit, sometimes it lasts for an extended amount of time.
I don't have much of an answer for how intense or long it happened in the past as I used to just drug myself when it started and I would pass out. Even with the kickback, I knew why it was happening, I knew I would be ok, I knew I was safe. I knew it would stop (although the leg cramps lasted all night) and I just rolled with it. I laid there and listened faintly to the band (I only live about a half mile from the venue so I still got to enjoy the music, even tucked in on my couch) and by 11 pm I was out like a light. I think they started shutting down the party about midnight as I understand.
I was quick to realize that things were different yesterday. Today, I am just tired and recovering. As I said goodbye to my friends at lunch, they told me to go to the clinic tomorrow, that I sounded like hell. I chuckled and said, "well, didn't we say this reunion was going to be the death of us?" I told them I would most likely go tomorrow on my lunch break.
Again, I am not sure what words to use. It was nice. It was nice to be aware that I was enjoying things, not worrying about things, just going with the flow. There was still anxiety there, yet it stayed minimal, and I figure it is never going to go fully away. I had not asked my friends to keep an eye on me or check on me, they did it on their own. They also did it very subtle as not to make a big deal out of it, something I truly appreciated. They told me "the reunion (planning and event) is not a reunion without you." It would seem I bring something to the mix that just makes it good.
I find it difficult most times to "get it" when I receive comments about being strong, amazing, wonderful, etc. It makes it sound like I am doing some "above and beyond" song and dance. The thing is, I am not. I am just being me. I don't make it some daily effort to do all these "extra mile" things so people think I am great and wonderful, I just get up each day and try to get to the end of the day. I am just....me. Ha! Ok, and after all this time, I guess this is where the light bulb comes on and I have that ah-ha moment. Yah, I am just me, and that is enough.
In the end, I just think how nice it was. I think about how, someday, more days might be like yesterday. I realized it is possible to live and not be scared, and I desired to find more days like that. It is my hope that the experience might make the rough moments or days a little less "this will never end" feeling. They may still be just as scary and/or intense, and I will know that there may be a really good day waiting in the distance - I just have to hang on.
Someday, yesterday could be every day.
I had a pretty amazing day Saturday and I am not even sure what category to put it under. Yes, the reunion activities were fun. At 8 am when we were waiting for the rest of the tent to be put up, we were all still freaking out a little. Of course, there had been a multitude of "I am so over this" said by each of us. By 10:30 when two of us headed to the park to start the fire for the picnic, leaving the other two on ladders stringing senior photos, we all had decided that there was not much more we could do and it was time to just go have fun. And we did.
I had a "secondary" experience with the whole thing, for lack of a better way to come up with a phrase. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was worried about my anxiety and issues going into the reunion. It was going to be a lot of stimulus and we all were already super stressed to pull off a great event. As well, my lovely cold was teetering on bronchitis (not teetering anymore, it's in my chest today!) I didn't want to have problems or crash or not be able to participate, although I was very aware that this could happen. Luckily, the gals are aware of my situation and we talked about the possibility of my needing to bow out if it got too much.
I decided on the way to the park that I was just going to take it as it came. I was not going to worry about things, I would do my best to just go and enjoy seeing old friends and laugh a lot. I would take any issues as they came. I had also decided that I was going to try hard and not let the food issues be a problem. At church this morning, in one of the talks, the line was said, "decisions determine direction." Yah, that was pretty awesome.
With the cold and dampness, my knees and hips started giving me problems, yet I just pulled a chair up in the middle of the crowd and sat down. No one made a big deal about it, no one called me out, it was real nice. Janet, Tracy, and Kim would give a look or a hand on the shoulder once in a while to inquire if I was doing ok. I would give them a smile and a nod in return that I was. We had not talked about a "signal" between us, and yet it worked. It was really enjoyable to just enjoy and not feel like I had all this pressure or stress on myself. I just went with it.....and I noticed the difference, I realized it was different.
We ended up back at the tent to finish up decorating and we just kept laughing, actually more than we had. The picnic was good for us as everyone had a great time even with only about 1/2 of those who RSVP'd showing up. It gave us confidence that it was all going to be ok. In the next few hours we converted a bare tent into an amazing venue. The other girls left about 45 minutes before I did as they laughed and said "we need more time than you do to get ready." I came home, showered, got ready, printed off signs, and was back up there in about 45 minutes.
I even did well with the dinner. We would be opening the party up to the public when the band started and that was a worry of mine - that would be a lot of people (most who would already have a lot of alcohol in their system) in a small space. I figured, just as with the rest of the day, I would take it as it came.
When I was at church this morning, someone said "Um, saw you getting beer from the keg." I just smiled and said, "did you see the photo of me "drinking" from the vodka bottle?" See, it doesn't bother me one bit. It is not like actually drank it! (beer = nastiness. the vodka? ok, that was tempting!)
I bowed out about 9:30 or so. I was starting to get real tired and I could feel my body starting to wear down. I knew I was done. By then the tent was full of non-classmates to hear the band, some of the class had already left, and the keg was emptying fast. Usually I would have felt guilty about leaving or would have made myself stay even though I knew I should go. I just smiled, started saying goodbyes and headed out. Let my planning buddies know I was ok, I was just getting tired and it was time for me to go. I listened to my body and my mind, I made choices that were based on my own desires and wants, I acted on them, and I didn't feel bad or guilty.
It was a good end to an amazing day. A day that was a lot different for me than any recently. I was aware of it, I enjoyed it, I let it happen, and I also realized that it could just be a moment in time. I thought on how many times I have heard Chris talk about just enjoying the good times as they come and hopefully that makes the rough ones a little easier to get through. This was a good one, I think there was a lot of skill usage through the whole day.
Now, I would like to say I came home, fell asleep and it all ended without any issues. I did good until I stopped and laid down, then it all hit. My legs started cramping and the shakes started. I don't think it was so much anxiety as the "come down" from the physical push of the day. You know, on paper I may be physically healthy as a horse, yet I know when I exert myself and push my body, as soon as I stop, it is like it retaliates. I don't know what that is, I don't even know if it is something they can test for to find out, all I know is that it happens. Sometimes it just lasts a little bit, sometimes it lasts for an extended amount of time.
I don't have much of an answer for how intense or long it happened in the past as I used to just drug myself when it started and I would pass out. Even with the kickback, I knew why it was happening, I knew I would be ok, I knew I was safe. I knew it would stop (although the leg cramps lasted all night) and I just rolled with it. I laid there and listened faintly to the band (I only live about a half mile from the venue so I still got to enjoy the music, even tucked in on my couch) and by 11 pm I was out like a light. I think they started shutting down the party about midnight as I understand.
I was quick to realize that things were different yesterday. Today, I am just tired and recovering. As I said goodbye to my friends at lunch, they told me to go to the clinic tomorrow, that I sounded like hell. I chuckled and said, "well, didn't we say this reunion was going to be the death of us?" I told them I would most likely go tomorrow on my lunch break.
Again, I am not sure what words to use. It was nice. It was nice to be aware that I was enjoying things, not worrying about things, just going with the flow. There was still anxiety there, yet it stayed minimal, and I figure it is never going to go fully away. I had not asked my friends to keep an eye on me or check on me, they did it on their own. They also did it very subtle as not to make a big deal out of it, something I truly appreciated. They told me "the reunion (planning and event) is not a reunion without you." It would seem I bring something to the mix that just makes it good.
In the end, I just think how nice it was. I think about how, someday, more days might be like yesterday. I realized it is possible to live and not be scared, and I desired to find more days like that. It is my hope that the experience might make the rough moments or days a little less "this will never end" feeling. They may still be just as scary and/or intense, and I will know that there may be a really good day waiting in the distance - I just have to hang on.
Someday, yesterday could be every day.