Defense mechanisms
Had lunch today with sis. I tell ya, I do enjoy having her home. On the way back to my house I heard sirens. I looked around as I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I turned on my road, look in the mirror and saw the fire truck coming down the road on the other side of the highway. I chuckled and said to myself, "There it is, you dork."
Normally, this would be nothing. I'm always referring to myself in some fashion as such. This time, when I said it, I immediately corrected myself. As soon as I said it, I had this thought of how is that little part of myself taking that? Granted, I was not saying it to be mean or destructive to myself, yet to a part that is still hiding in a world of black and white, how was that taken?
I shared a lot of my thinking with Chris the other day, and my mind really hasn't stopped since. I shared with her how I woke up in the early hours of the morning and was like "I get it" in regards to self-compassion and non-judgmental toward myself. At least I think I may have figured out an aspect of it. Every time I choose to be mean or judgmental toward myself, it is not just words and then moving on, that small part of me is listening.
The phrase I always hated to hear was, "Well, that's not what I meant" when something was said and hurt my feelings. That always made me feel like something was wrong with me because I didn't understand how something was meant, and that I allowed something to bother me. I would get told through the years things like "no one can hurt your feelings unless you let them." Know what, yah they can. Sometimes, words and actions hurt even if you are doing your best to not let them. Lisa used an example once to the effect of, if someone took a hot dog stick right out of a really hot fire and they turned around and it hit you, would it hurt? Would it hurt differently if they did it on purpose or accident? At times, without regards of the intention, things hurt.
I am still trying to put all these new pieces together, try to make a little sense of it all, see how they work together. It is a given that I see the world a little differently and I generally come up with ways to see my life or things like that a little different too. The anxiety continues to play games with me and it seems to be without pattern more often than with. I am sure there is a medical/psychological reason and rhyme to it, yet who likes big words? I am going to not only understand it better, yet be able to find solutions to handle it if I can describe it in my own way. I guess what matters is, in the end, that it makes sense to me.
Well, we might say that I have already identified some of the players. I imagine there are other ages that come and go in there, as if making a cameo appearance, yet for the most part we have the little one (our 10 year old), the teen (our 16 year old), ER/post ER (our 28 year old), and present day me ("I" references). That has to be a good first step to identify that much.
Yesterday morning I stood in front of my fridge with the door open. I knew I needed to pack a lunch. The ever so familiar song and dance started in my head in regards to food, eating, gaining weight, etc. This is where normally I would close the fridge door, have some negative comment in regards to it all, then leave and not eat until I got home. Not this time.
I just stood there. I could feel the anxiety growing each time I even contemplated reaching for food. I started talking to myself - listen, I know you are afraid right now, and that is ok, and you don't have to be. I am not going to hurt you, I am not going to let this food hurt you. I need you to let me do this. I don't know what you are actually afraid of and we do not have to try and figure that out right now, although it is not this food. We need this. You think that eating is going to kill us, while the thing is, not eating is going to. Please let me do this. I would go through this similar dialog a few times before I could bring myself to grab things to make some lunch. Even as I stood at the counter packing, I just kept telling myself that this was ok, we were ok doing this, we were doing a good thing, and yes, it was ok to be afraid.
I don't know if it "made a difference" or not, and yet I was able to pack my lunch. I was able to perform a different behavior than my typical one. Hopefully, at least with packing lunch, it will get easier and more comfortable each time I do it.
That along with some other things during the day got me to thinking that there had to be more than just anxious, scared "people" as there are times when those personas are ok and even happy. There has to be some way I could look at this differently. This is what I have come up with for now:
There is a "defense mechanism" that co-exists among all the persons. It would use anything from anxiety to panic to destructive thoughts to destructive acts. Let's make this a persona as well, the protector - its purpose is to keep the my "selves" safe (or what they perceive as safe) no matter what that means. The choice it takes to maintain that safety is built on what it has learned at that point. So, for example, if I am at a place that has learned that self-harming behavior is the way to keep safe (thus allowing emotions to be avoided) then that is choice. Make sense? I'm going to go with anxiety situations since those are what I really seem to be struggling with right now.
I see a few things happening. We have the what may be the default reaction. Let's go back to making my lunch - although I knew I needed to pack a lunch, the little one freaked. Little one gets the protector, who uses anxiety and fear to try and stop me. Although I understand the root is something other than food, that is the trigger at the moment and the protector is doing its job wonderfully.
Let's take another example - not feeling comfortable in large crowds of unknown people. You might say this is one of those cameo appearances. Our 18-19 year-old, post robbery, self has learned (because she was not helped to understand different at the time) that people cannot be trusted and that people you don't know can hurt you for no reason at all. So, when surrounded by strangers, she grabs the protector to keep her safe. Anxiety may make her more hyper aware of her surroundings. A panic attack may be an excellent excuse to have to leave the situation.
In situations where I am leading a project, meeting, or discussion, the protector may show up to remind me that if I screw up, I will be laughed at, I will be mocked, people will no longer remember the good, just how I messed up. The protector isn't being cruel, it is just trying to tell me that maybe I should just skip the role and stay quiet and in the background. It is helping all those parts of me from the past that were made fun of, berated, shamed, and never let to forget a screw up. Therefore, let's avoid potential screw ups by just avoiding all together.
This all makes sense to me, pretty easily actually. I get it - my self is trying to protect myself from getting emotionally hurt anymore. The protector has not learned that things are not at life or death level anymore. I think that is why I see other issues with the anxiety happening when there doesn't seem to be a trigger, when I am actually not in distressing situations. For example:
There are times in session when the anxiety will just hit me out of nowhere. For a brief moment I get to think "where did that come from" before it all kicks in and I'm struggling. I came up with this thought. In session (whether with Chris or Tami), I know those are safe environments. Now, there are times where discussions or issues trigger things and that person inside me summons the protector immediately. I get those, I understand those, and we get through them.
I think on the opposite end though, is that there are many times when I walk through that door and I put the protector in the corner. No matter where I am in my emotional age during that time, I have (and continue to) learned that I am safe and I don't have to be on-guard every moment. In a way, I can breathe and actually try to feel something. Lately, I have even tried to be conscious about letting myself just feel, not even so much identifying what I am feeling, just letting it come and go.
I think sometimes as the protector sits there in the corner watching me start to feel, starting to take steps into new territory, spaces I may not venture into outside of those safe places. Out of habit, when it sees that movement beyond boundaries that have been set for so many years, it bolts out of that corner and tries to do its job. As if screaming "NO!!!!! STOP!!!!" it is just trying to keep me safe. I think that is why sometimes it actually feels like it takes my breath away, or that I am ok one moment and the next in distress. Just as my selves have learned through the years how to use the protector, my physical body has learned how to react to it. I think this is a little of what has been happening in class too. The protector has not been able to comprehend "they are not going to hurt me" as of yet so it doesn't get very far away from me. I am hoping, as I get comfortable with the others in class like last time, that some of that calms down.
I am continually asking Chris why I physically react as I do. "What is wrong with me" is a classic question. I think I kind of get it a little now. There is a learned behavior and cognitive pattern for when the protector is present. They work together to try and keep me safe. Although the methods may not be the most effective, I think that is what is happening. My mind and body are not trying to destroy me, they are just trying to protect me, and depending on where I am emotionally at that point will determine how much I can comprehend the reality of what is going on with my mind and body at that moment.
The protector is not bad or evil. I don't want to eradicate its existence. I imagine another scenario is that the protector just has a meltdown because no one is calling for it as before, and therefore just takes things into its own hands. Might call that the "temper tantrum" scenario. I think part of the solution is going to be teaching the protector new ways of doing its job. Just as I have to try and teach myself that I am safe now, that the dangers of the past either no longer exist or exist at a level that cannot harm me, I have to make sure that the protector feels like it has a purpose...a healthy purpose.
That is next piece of the puzzle to figure out.
Normally, this would be nothing. I'm always referring to myself in some fashion as such. This time, when I said it, I immediately corrected myself. As soon as I said it, I had this thought of how is that little part of myself taking that? Granted, I was not saying it to be mean or destructive to myself, yet to a part that is still hiding in a world of black and white, how was that taken?
The phrase I always hated to hear was, "Well, that's not what I meant" when something was said and hurt my feelings. That always made me feel like something was wrong with me because I didn't understand how something was meant, and that I allowed something to bother me. I would get told through the years things like "no one can hurt your feelings unless you let them." Know what, yah they can. Sometimes, words and actions hurt even if you are doing your best to not let them. Lisa used an example once to the effect of, if someone took a hot dog stick right out of a really hot fire and they turned around and it hit you, would it hurt? Would it hurt differently if they did it on purpose or accident? At times, without regards of the intention, things hurt.
Well, we might say that I have already identified some of the players. I imagine there are other ages that come and go in there, as if making a cameo appearance, yet for the most part we have the little one (our 10 year old), the teen (our 16 year old), ER/post ER (our 28 year old), and present day me ("I" references). That has to be a good first step to identify that much.
Yesterday morning I stood in front of my fridge with the door open. I knew I needed to pack a lunch. The ever so familiar song and dance started in my head in regards to food, eating, gaining weight, etc. This is where normally I would close the fridge door, have some negative comment in regards to it all, then leave and not eat until I got home. Not this time.
I just stood there. I could feel the anxiety growing each time I even contemplated reaching for food. I started talking to myself - listen, I know you are afraid right now, and that is ok, and you don't have to be. I am not going to hurt you, I am not going to let this food hurt you. I need you to let me do this. I don't know what you are actually afraid of and we do not have to try and figure that out right now, although it is not this food. We need this. You think that eating is going to kill us, while the thing is, not eating is going to. Please let me do this. I would go through this similar dialog a few times before I could bring myself to grab things to make some lunch. Even as I stood at the counter packing, I just kept telling myself that this was ok, we were ok doing this, we were doing a good thing, and yes, it was ok to be afraid.
I don't know if it "made a difference" or not, and yet I was able to pack my lunch. I was able to perform a different behavior than my typical one. Hopefully, at least with packing lunch, it will get easier and more comfortable each time I do it.
There is a "defense mechanism" that co-exists among all the persons. It would use anything from anxiety to panic to destructive thoughts to destructive acts. Let's make this a persona as well, the protector - its purpose is to keep the my "selves" safe (or what they perceive as safe) no matter what that means. The choice it takes to maintain that safety is built on what it has learned at that point. So, for example, if I am at a place that has learned that self-harming behavior is the way to keep safe (thus allowing emotions to be avoided) then that is choice. Make sense? I'm going to go with anxiety situations since those are what I really seem to be struggling with right now.
I see a few things happening. We have the what may be the default reaction. Let's go back to making my lunch - although I knew I needed to pack a lunch, the little one freaked. Little one gets the protector, who uses anxiety and fear to try and stop me. Although I understand the root is something other than food, that is the trigger at the moment and the protector is doing its job wonderfully.
Let's take another example - not feeling comfortable in large crowds of unknown people. You might say this is one of those cameo appearances. Our 18-19 year-old, post robbery, self has learned (because she was not helped to understand different at the time) that people cannot be trusted and that people you don't know can hurt you for no reason at all. So, when surrounded by strangers, she grabs the protector to keep her safe. Anxiety may make her more hyper aware of her surroundings. A panic attack may be an excellent excuse to have to leave the situation. In situations where I am leading a project, meeting, or discussion, the protector may show up to remind me that if I screw up, I will be laughed at, I will be mocked, people will no longer remember the good, just how I messed up. The protector isn't being cruel, it is just trying to tell me that maybe I should just skip the role and stay quiet and in the background. It is helping all those parts of me from the past that were made fun of, berated, shamed, and never let to forget a screw up. Therefore, let's avoid potential screw ups by just avoiding all together.
This all makes sense to me, pretty easily actually. I get it - my self is trying to protect myself from getting emotionally hurt anymore. The protector has not learned that things are not at life or death level anymore. I think that is why I see other issues with the anxiety happening when there doesn't seem to be a trigger, when I am actually not in distressing situations. For example:
There are times in session when the anxiety will just hit me out of nowhere. For a brief moment I get to think "where did that come from" before it all kicks in and I'm struggling. I came up with this thought. In session (whether with Chris or Tami), I know those are safe environments. Now, there are times where discussions or issues trigger things and that person inside me summons the protector immediately. I get those, I understand those, and we get through them.
I think on the opposite end though, is that there are many times when I walk through that door and I put the protector in the corner. No matter where I am in my emotional age during that time, I have (and continue to) learned that I am safe and I don't have to be on-guard every moment. In a way, I can breathe and actually try to feel something. Lately, I have even tried to be conscious about letting myself just feel, not even so much identifying what I am feeling, just letting it come and go.
I think sometimes as the protector sits there in the corner watching me start to feel, starting to take steps into new territory, spaces I may not venture into outside of those safe places. Out of habit, when it sees that movement beyond boundaries that have been set for so many years, it bolts out of that corner and tries to do its job. As if screaming "NO!!!!! STOP!!!!" it is just trying to keep me safe. I think that is why sometimes it actually feels like it takes my breath away, or that I am ok one moment and the next in distress. Just as my selves have learned through the years how to use the protector, my physical body has learned how to react to it. I think this is a little of what has been happening in class too. The protector has not been able to comprehend "they are not going to hurt me" as of yet so it doesn't get very far away from me. I am hoping, as I get comfortable with the others in class like last time, that some of that calms down.
I am continually asking Chris why I physically react as I do. "What is wrong with me" is a classic question. I think I kind of get it a little now. There is a learned behavior and cognitive pattern for when the protector is present. They work together to try and keep me safe. Although the methods may not be the most effective, I think that is what is happening. My mind and body are not trying to destroy me, they are just trying to protect me, and depending on where I am emotionally at that point will determine how much I can comprehend the reality of what is going on with my mind and body at that moment.
The protector is not bad or evil. I don't want to eradicate its existence. I imagine another scenario is that the protector just has a meltdown because no one is calling for it as before, and therefore just takes things into its own hands. Might call that the "temper tantrum" scenario. I think part of the solution is going to be teaching the protector new ways of doing its job. Just as I have to try and teach myself that I am safe now, that the dangers of the past either no longer exist or exist at a level that cannot harm me, I have to make sure that the protector feels like it has a purpose...a healthy purpose.
That is next piece of the puzzle to figure out.