Deep sigh, don't beat self up

-
Session today can be summed up as follows:
  • At a young age I developed a thought process (for various reasons) where survival included punishing myself (even if it was not truly warranted), no matter the cost.
  • Changing a cognitive pattern is much harder than changing a behavior.
  • When you push away/distract from/avoid at all costs, one emotion, you are actually doing it with all emotions.
  • I have this raging internal battle between what I am trying to do (change, get healthy, etc.) and the little kid who still thinks if I deviate, I will die. 
  • In this dialog, I am not very empathetic toward that little one. I am actually very cruel and abusive. The little kid is still receiving the same unhealthy messages, except now it is from myself, not the outside.
  • I have to learn to talk to the little one as I would another aside from myself. I would never say to my nephews, if they were scared, "suck it up and get over it."
  • It is not about food, it is about fear (even though it feels like it is about food). Not allowing myself food is a numbing behavior. When I eat, I get anxious, not because of the food, because I am no longer numb and I can feel emotions. Feeling is still frightening and is terrifying to that little one inside of me.
  • Each time I avoid feeling (whether consciously or otherwise), the "pop can" gets shaken even more, building the pressure and putting me more at risk of doing something "large" to myself in the harmful category to get relief. 
  • I have to change the way I talk to my young self. I have to accept that the feelings of fear and danger are real and valid. It may sound easy on paper and it is very difficult as that negative talk and action toward myself is just as much of a learned behavior. 
  • It is possible to render Tami speechless. 
  • I have to change thinking from "I am going to be..." to "I am..."
  • I need to do meditation daily, twice if possible. As an accountability trick, I will add beads to my pins. If I miss a time, I just do not add a bead, I do not take them all away. 
  • I have to be more aware of punishing myself and stop the progress at the moment I realize I am doing it. 
  • Apparently, this is all much bigger and deeper than just an eating disorder. 
I just looked at Tami (with that deep emptiness in the pit of your gut feeling) and said, "what do I do now?"

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more