Deep Breath and Prayer

This post has started in my head a few times today and each time I find myself starting to tear up and then I do all I can do distract myself. The more I tried to avoid it, the more I thought that I need to get it out, even if I don't have all the words, as it apparently has quite an emotional effect on me. I put food in the crock pot then told myself I should go take a hot bath. Yes, that will be a nice distraction and maybe I will forget about things. Sometimes distractions are just a nice cover for avoidance. I took a deep breath, then told myself to go sit down and try to write first, then a hot bath afterwards to soothe. So, here I am, taking a couple phrases that keep going through my head over and over and trying to put them somewhere else. I think this is called healing. The other day I was asked to look at someone's nutrition log. They are "trying to cut back" before the race in April. They were looking to me for the "am I doing good" feedback since...

There was always a part of me that was different. My ideas were different, my interests did not always match the norm, and I loved my jeans and hi-tops. I loved to explore and build, I loved to take things apart and see how they worked, and I always was trying to invent things one way or another. I was creative and imaginative. I am not sure what the "correct parameters" were that I was supposed to fit into, yet I excelled at not doing it. Although always told that we could be anything, do anything, there seemed to be an exception clause. From a young age and into adulthood, when I expressed my uniqueness, I was reminded how it was wrong. I grew up hearing the derogatory meaning phrase, "I should have named you Christopher" as I did not fit into the "girly" category. Each time it was said, I would buy into this idea that there must be something wrong with me. I am not who I am supposed to be, I am disappointing people. All those things that made me unique,...

As the kids emerged, there were basically three personas that had various roles. The little ones seemed to cover an age spread. The next, my "young teen" would pick up pretty much from around 11 years of age and carry through the teens years. Just as I was different through those years, they were as well. Over the years I would scribble these drawings of myself in a corner, or against a wall, or in some kind of a despairing position. This one, from October 2013, is a good representation. It would seem that the young teen has been making an appearance for a lot of years. In the younger side of things, like ages 11-14, they are just known as "teenage Blewy" and there is a lot of confusion and sadness in there. This age range is where things really changed. It was where being a kid stopped and the expectation to be a grown up started. It was the time frame where thoughts of destructive behaviors became actions. It was where many of the unhealthy coping tools that had b...

Although I am continually reminded that one does not exist, I feel I have exceeded my email quota lately. Seeing that my blogging is severely *under* quota, everybody wins by me choosing to create a post. I was pretty frightened this morning. I awoke with a heavy weight of guilt and negativity. This is not new, it correlates with good days or good moments. It is that "you are not allowed to feel good without paying a price" crap. Sadly, it is generally of parallel intensity. Seeing how amazing Monday was, it was pulling out all the stops to match up. I hate to say that it is expected as that makes it sound like it is a connected process that is supposed to be connected. It isn't. It has been for many years yet I have recently realized it is a fallacy. Being young in my conclusion, seems it was going to give it one last try. Maybe my first win was recognizing it and what was happening. Awareness is good. Was not making the initial whack of it any less intense yet it made m...

I have gotten away from writing about the kids and I want to make sure I get all that finished. Since I am totally procrastinating finishing my transcription homework, I will get another post written. My brain hasn't been at 100% today so maybe this will help it get back on track for academia. Although I have my thoughts of my limited parenting skills, I do have a good ability to take care of others. I am compassionate and kind and do very well in providing love and comfort.....to others. It is a great skill and gift, and now the question became as to how to turn that inward. Easier said than done. It helped to think about my kids in a separate from my "current" self. Not quite to a point to show that kindness to my current self without doubt and judgement, to offer it to the kids was allowable. My biggest obstacle was how to do it more than if I would do it. As I thought about each of the kids and what their emotional needs were - what I desired at those ages - it became...