Deep Breath and Prayer

It was not my fault.

Today was supposed to be better. I guess it is - I am out of the house and in my office. The lights are off because the light hurts my eyes today. I am hyper-sensitive to light, sound, movement. I am here though. I got hungry and went and got food. As I ate I battled the "what do you think you are doing" thoughts. I don't know what is up with that lately. It is like there is something in me that can't stand the fact I am healing and it has to do all it can to sabotage my efforts. Even if this is so, I still let it have so much power. I know it will be powerless if I just stand up to it, and yet it still manages to get the upper hand. I feel that in many ways I am moving forward. Getting stronger emotionally and being less apt to do harmful things. To a point, it seems that the "need to hurt myself" thoughts have even lessened. At the same time I feel like I am slipping backwards somewhere too. It is like I can't have success in one area without failing i...

Yah. That pretty much covers it.  Feeling it all today.  Please stop shaking the snow globe.

I would venture to say I have made strides at recognizing and naming my emotions/feelings. Still working on that "what to do with them" part. I do a lot of searching online for things, like recognizing and dealing with emotions, or how to deal with anxiety, and more. I many times look a lot into the results that are aimed at kids/youth. I figure if I am learning things that I should have learned when I was younger, then it is a good start. You would be surprised how much you can learn. There are also a lot of visual resources that are great reminders. It really is about the basics, no matter what age you are. I have no definition for the word "better" and yet I am continually stating that I need to be it. This was part of today's discussion in session. I think I had written in one of my entries something to the effect of always saying I need to be better and yet I have no clue what that really means. I was always encouraged to be my best. I have heard more times...

Sometimes I am just not ready to go home, or I just do not want to go home. Not really sure why, it is something that has been around for years. There are times I cannot wait to go home and there are times I wish I did not have to be there. Maybe it is the dreams that have started back up. Although not the disturbing nightmares, still bad dreams. Maybe it is my trashed house. Things half done, things that need finished. Sometimes it just makes me feel overwhelmed. I cannot really ask for help as most are things I have to finish. Oh crap, which reminds me that I forgot to ask for my knife back. Need to finish pulling up carpet and that was my knife I used. Sometimes home is lonely. Ok, so sitting in "headstone Stonehenge" in front of a funeral home is not really quality time with people.....well, I am curious if anyone is buried here....yet it means I do not have to get in the car and drive. I don't know. Sometimes I am just kind of sad and not sure why. I have just come t...

There will be a post to accompany this at some point when I have a working computer again to write it from :) In the meantime, enjoy the photos!!! I promised Rach Burrows that I would sport red for her in one of my races! Pre-race!!! Sister Kofford, me and Sister Biddle! "Shout out" to Sister Scott! It rained!!!! Even soaked, we finished. In our age divisions, Sister Kofford got 1st! I got 3rd! Spray in hair coloring is not waterproof!! Looked like I had been in a war....well, actually I kind of was! Who cares if it was 3rd of 3, I got a medal and I placed. My racer told me today, "you finished and the others didn't, you earned it." This may never happen again, and that is fine as I have at least one!