Deep Breath and Prayer

The first "chapter" in the workbook is about finding/creating a safe place. If I have learned nothing else in DBT, I do know the importance of this. There is that piece of me that is all "hey, you know this, just skip it" and that is the perfect reason why I should not skip it. I've walked around all day with both rings on my left hand. We all know what that means. I am pretty proud of myself that I have gone almost 6 hours this way and nothing has happened. Only once has the thought to put my ring back on my right hand crossed my mind. I started to, then I stopped and left it where it was. In my mind I see Chris' white board with the little circled steps. Where can we intervene....here? here? here? here? I point to a spot, I say, "here, when I move my ring to my left hand." I'm not really sure what I am waiting on, or not waiting on. It is just where I am, kind of a standing here thing. Like long ago when I used to write about sitting down in ...

My past opened up a new door and it held something horrible behind it. Memories, feelings, emotions, triggers, and a whole mountain of things that there are either not words for or I do not have a clue how to name. It has not only taken my breath away, it has pinned me to a wall, staring into my eyes, deep into my soul, scaring the living hell out of me. As I put on my day to day show for the world, I am pinned there, almost paralyzed, afraid that every word, every move, every thought, is going to be wrong. The new box of hell is bad enough, yet with it comes an unloading of old things I thought were either long gone or at least at a level of "not that scary anymore." And it is bad stuff. This is the threat of self harm, and it is hard to explain when I add that it is a tougher fight. Let me see if I can find a way because as I write this one might think that it sounds like it would be easier to deal with.  Working through the self harming behaviors was not easy, and it is a ...