Like being pinned to a wall
My past opened up a new door and it held something horrible behind it. Memories, feelings, emotions, triggers, and a whole mountain of things that there are either not words for or I do not have a clue how to name. It has not only taken my breath away, it has pinned me to a wall, staring into my eyes, deep into my soul, scaring the living hell out of me. As I put on my day to day show for the world, I am pinned there, almost paralyzed, afraid that every word, every move, every thought, is going to be wrong.
The new box of hell is bad enough, yet with it comes an unloading of old things I thought were either long gone or at least at a level of "not that scary anymore." And it is bad stuff. This is the threat of self harm, and it is hard to explain when I add that it is a tougher fight. Let me see if I can find a way because as I write this one might think that it sounds like it would be easier to deal with.
Working through the self harming behaviors was not easy, and it is a continuous fight, yet I would say I have gotten to a place where I do well. The thoughts and desires still come around, yet I seem to keep the upper hand. I may "see" it in flashes, and I may want it, and I can leave it there.
The memories have come accompanied with a lot of anger, an intensity and frequency I have not had for a very long time. It is an ever present hate pointed at myself that even though I might be able to quiet, I have yet to be able to turn off. Even ignoring it only works for so long. In my world, hate and harm have a very symbiotic relationship. A great part of my success in overcoming the harming has been turning off the desire piece. Not "hearing" that invitation over and over and over, helps to not feel so vulnerable to it. Now it is there, again, with hate, blame, shame, disgust. With its hand against my throat, looking in my eyes, "you need to pay, you need to pay up."
As if that was not enough, it is having a fine time with me at night. The demons have lined the rope bridge and make falling asleep a horrible task. They are smart, they know I have a collection of unhealthy behaviors I can still turn to in order to get to the other side. I don't though. I lie there, fighting through it, glad Lora is gone as not to hear me yelling or waking up from that half awake-half asleep state screaming.
Sometimes I wonder if figuring out the pieces is better or worse. Like this one - something has been off with me in session. Well, more than off because of all of this. There has been some little piece in there that has been different and I could not figure out what it was until earlier today as I was thinking about all of this. I'm afraid of Chris. Yah, guess that deserves an explanation, eh?
Ok, the only way I have been able to put it together is that there are a couple pieces. First scenario, as Big Blewy, I am not afraid of Chris, because I know that it is Chris in that room with me. This one I actually picked up on a little bit ago. There have been many times that I have wanted to go crawl up next to Chris and let her put her arms around me. That reassurance that all is ok, all is safe. Something in me has stopped me each time I have started to do this. As well, I am noticing that when we are in conversations where I, as Big Blewy, am not so much the dominant presence, there is always something physical between Chris and I. The more I thought about this - because it bothered me - if the discussion is abuse related, that is not Chris. I do not know who it is, I do not think it is a "bad" person, I just think that everybody is scary to them, and they just want to be safe. Now, I am sure I do not need to go into great explanation of how it felt when I realized, "I'm afraid of Chris." And the sad part is that I do not think that telling myself over and over "that's Chris she is a safe person" over and over and over is going to fix it. So now I am just mad at myself because somewhere in here, in all this time where all the children know who Chris is and they all know she is safe and all these things, now they are afraid of her? What did I do wrong?
The other piece, which does fall on the Big Blewy side is the huge chunk of doubt that comes in. I am doubting myself, or I guess it would be doubting Chris? She will say I am doing ok and even though I know she is being honest and all, the head games kick in....that is what she has to say as a therapist, she's probably happy she won't see you till next week, and on and on. So, yah, in my own way, this has located and ripped open that healed long ago scar that makes me, as Big Blewy, scared of Chris too.
It's been a while since I have had to live such a double life. I have forgotten how exhausting it is. Exhausting to work through the issues at hand, exhausting to quell them so I can appear to function in the real world, create the smoke screen needed to make them appear as if the do not exist even though they are screaming so loud in your head that you can barely hear what is going on in reality. I have forgotten that desire to self harm that is so intense because you know that it will make thing stop....even if for a brief moment. The dissociation from it will be a blessing, no matter the cost. These are things I never wanted to remember, and yet here they are, mingled among horrible and hellish memories that I put so far at arms length that I cannot even bring myself to own it.
So I made a new place to write. I have a workbook and I need a place to write. I am fighting what feels like multiple battles by multiple people all at the same time, and it is all going on in my head.
That is where I am. Apparently living a whole new level of lost and afraid.
As if that was not enough, it is having a fine time with me at night. The demons have lined the rope bridge and make falling asleep a horrible task. They are smart, they know I have a collection of unhealthy behaviors I can still turn to in order to get to the other side. I don't though. I lie there, fighting through it, glad Lora is gone as not to hear me yelling or waking up from that half awake-half asleep state screaming.
Sometimes I wonder if figuring out the pieces is better or worse. Like this one - something has been off with me in session. Well, more than off because of all of this. There has been some little piece in there that has been different and I could not figure out what it was until earlier today as I was thinking about all of this. I'm afraid of Chris. Yah, guess that deserves an explanation, eh?
Ok, the only way I have been able to put it together is that there are a couple pieces. First scenario, as Big Blewy, I am not afraid of Chris, because I know that it is Chris in that room with me. This one I actually picked up on a little bit ago. There have been many times that I have wanted to go crawl up next to Chris and let her put her arms around me. That reassurance that all is ok, all is safe. Something in me has stopped me each time I have started to do this. As well, I am noticing that when we are in conversations where I, as Big Blewy, am not so much the dominant presence, there is always something physical between Chris and I. The more I thought about this - because it bothered me - if the discussion is abuse related, that is not Chris. I do not know who it is, I do not think it is a "bad" person, I just think that everybody is scary to them, and they just want to be safe. Now, I am sure I do not need to go into great explanation of how it felt when I realized, "I'm afraid of Chris." And the sad part is that I do not think that telling myself over and over "that's Chris she is a safe person" over and over and over is going to fix it. So now I am just mad at myself because somewhere in here, in all this time where all the children know who Chris is and they all know she is safe and all these things, now they are afraid of her? What did I do wrong?
The other piece, which does fall on the Big Blewy side is the huge chunk of doubt that comes in. I am doubting myself, or I guess it would be doubting Chris? She will say I am doing ok and even though I know she is being honest and all, the head games kick in....that is what she has to say as a therapist, she's probably happy she won't see you till next week, and on and on. So, yah, in my own way, this has located and ripped open that healed long ago scar that makes me, as Big Blewy, scared of Chris too.
It's been a while since I have had to live such a double life. I have forgotten how exhausting it is. Exhausting to work through the issues at hand, exhausting to quell them so I can appear to function in the real world, create the smoke screen needed to make them appear as if the do not exist even though they are screaming so loud in your head that you can barely hear what is going on in reality. I have forgotten that desire to self harm that is so intense because you know that it will make thing stop....even if for a brief moment. The dissociation from it will be a blessing, no matter the cost. These are things I never wanted to remember, and yet here they are, mingled among horrible and hellish memories that I put so far at arms length that I cannot even bring myself to own it.
So I made a new place to write. I have a workbook and I need a place to write. I am fighting what feels like multiple battles by multiple people all at the same time, and it is all going on in my head.
That is where I am. Apparently living a whole new level of lost and afraid.