Deep Breath and Prayer

It is a powerful action to fully let go or something or take that leap of faith and change. It takes a lot of trust in yourself to release something and not immediately turn back for it. To step up and make a commitment to change is uncharted territory and scary. I talk about it a lot. Maybe now is the time to start backing up the words. It is worth a shot, eh? Self hate. Listen my friend, you did not create this even though you were taught how to fuel it. I know it has been the default for far too many years. There is no need for it anymore. You have put it down as your go to emotion and I applaud you with all I have. You have a good heart and soul. You love unconditionally and would give all you have to anyone in need. You are a wonderful person. You are a leader who walks side by side, teaching by example. Know that the person looking back at you in the mirror is not horrible. You are something. The world would not be a better place without you. I know asking you to love yourself is...

Last night before going to bed I sent an email to someone just noting that I was ok. There had a been a few bumps in the road, yet I was ok. I woke up this morning, rolled over, and thought to myself, "liar." You see, I don't need others to call me out, I do it quite well myself. So maybe "liar" is a little harsh. That implies a premeditated action to deceive and I don't do that. That isn't nice and it's not honest. I would like to think that I am nice and honest....maybe too much sometimes. I am ok. I am. I should be, I say it to myself a lot every day. Sometimes in my head, sometimes audible. One of these days I am going to try and keep count how many times it passes through my mind. I am guessing enough that I would quickly lose track. There are times I get these rushes of emotion that hit me, kind of like an unexpected breeze on a still day. They hit and you are caught off guard for a moment. With a deep breath I tell myself "you are ok, you...

My brother called to check on me this morning. Poor guy, he was the recipient of my "bad things I want to do right now" phone call yesterday. Filled him in on the latest information and he reminds me of how I was able to get through it without giving in and jumping off the wagon. Then he made me laugh. He is good at that. He's a good guy. I know I make him worry a lot yet he doesn't ever complain. It is better today. Was still a little rough around the edges this morning as I woke up with a fair amount of anger still churning. I have to cut myself some slack at some point, focus on the positive. Instead of hitting level 10+, it was more like 8.75. This is good, very good. Something is working in it all. Sure will be glad when it is 5 or less or even not even an issue, yet 8.75 is a win. Once again I find myself standing up, taking a deep breath, cleaning up my internal path of destruction, and starting back up the ladder. Stomp out the last few embers, rake out the as...

I had this amazing post all set to go and started and maybe somewhere in a few days from now I might actually try finishing it. It was pretty good, a comparison of faith vs knowledge in connection with the things we have learned in class. Yes, it was a good one. Then I got a 15 minute phone call that has me so riled up that I can barely see straight. Nope, no finishing that warm, fuzzy post. Backspace, backspace, delete, delete, delete. Yet, I continue to write. At the moment, it is the safety net. Oh you would not believe the list of self-destructive things going through my head right now. This is where you pull the cord that makes the O2 masks in the plane drop down and you start sucking air to save yourself. Here that translates to sit, don't move, turn the radio up really loud to drown out the thoughts, and find something to externally focus on. Oh, and breathe. That seems to be a good thing to do. What was that said to me a while back, if I am breathing, I am winning. Just kee...

It's kind of dangerous for me to be writing right now. I'm super tired yet I can't seem to get the brain to shut down. At least I am not on Ambien anymore, so I will actually remember this tomorrow. Oh those poor souls who got "drunk on Ambien" texts and phone calls. Yah pretty much told doc no more of that! Have to admit, the Facebook posts were hilarious! Someday...maybe in the next life I will actually recall doing all those different communications. Lots of thoughts from my meeting today. Really has had me pondering and considering and then thinking "what if" scenarios. Good ones, that is. There's only a week left in this year. Sure there will be the whole resolution thing, yet what do I want to leave behind when the year changes? I've been able to dump a lot of baggage and there's plenty more to go. My brain churns away trying to find things to toss in a last ditch effort. There are a few things that come to the top and I just look at th...