I am ok
Last night before going to bed I sent an email to someone just noting that I was ok. There had a been a few bumps in the road, yet I was ok. I woke up this morning, rolled over, and thought to myself, "liar." You see, I don't need others to call me out, I do it quite well myself.
So maybe "liar" is a little harsh. That implies a premeditated action to deceive and I don't do that. That isn't nice and it's not honest. I would like to think that I am nice and honest....maybe too much sometimes.
I am ok. I am. I should be, I say it to myself a lot every day. Sometimes in my head, sometimes audible. One of these days I am going to try and keep count how many times it passes through my mind. I am guessing enough that I would quickly lose track.
There are times I get these rushes of emotion that hit me, kind of like an unexpected breeze on a still day. They hit and you are caught off guard for a moment. With a deep breath I tell myself "you are ok, you are ok" and generally it passes as swiftly as it arrived. Not sure why they happen. It is my guess that I work so hard sometimes to keep certain feelings and emotions at a distance that they find a loophole in my logic and take advantage of it. A momentary reminder of a weakness. As long as I can keep telling myself I am ok, then I remain in control.
I am not ok. Don't think anyone has heard me utter that for a very long time. I myself, don't seem to remember the last time I said it directly, especially to another. I did make a pretty solid reference to it in a blog post a few months back, yet if I have said it recently, I don't remember. I've danced around it with similar phrases yet I do all I can not to ever say it directly. Even if it is true, I can't say it aloud and direct. It holds too much power.
Yet, I am ok. If I sit and think about it, the things that are troubling me right now are quite small and minimal compared to the past. With the exception of one, I have beat them all back before. If I have stumbled, it is only a skinned knee, not a compound fracture. If I really think about things, has anything really beat me in the end? I'm still alive, so I am going to go out on a limb and say no, one way or another I came out on top.
Several years ago I rebuilt a car for my sister. Worked on that thing for months and could not get it running for nothing. Worked on the engine daily adjusting, changing, fixing and still could not keep it running. Had taken the carburetor to the shop and had it rebuilt and still nothing. Talk about frustration. I used words while working on that car that would make a sailor blush. I would not give up, for I will not be defeated!
When a car won't start it is one of two things - no fuel or no fire. We had fire and you could smell fuel - we would continually watch it run through the lines and filters. One day we ran the fuel line from the tank to the engine. Maybe it was getting air in the line somewhere. Each checkpoint showed fuel, right up to the carb. No fuel in the carb. The problem? The shop had locked down the fuel regulating bolt. With a turn of a screwdriver, the car finally started. She drove that thing until it literally fell apart, seriously. When she traded it in, they took off the license plates and the bumper fell off. Even with its quirks, she loved it because I had put my heart and soul into it for her.
Sometimes my personal battles become like that car. I work and work and work and feel like I am getting no where and in the end, the fix is as easy as turning a screw a few rotations. The more I learn in class, the more of these types of experiences I have. Sometimes I want to just kick myself when I realize how easy the fix really is. Maybe it is time to start working a little more on the self-compassion part.
It is going to be ok. If I will give all I can to the best of my ability, if I get to the end of the day without doing harm to myself or anyone else, if I take the opportunities before me to make someone else's day a little better, if I am honest and true in my dealings despite how they might come out, if I keep my expectations of myself realistic, if I keep my eyes to the heavens and my vision forward, then today will be ok.
Maybe there was more truth in that email than I realize. I am more ok than I think.
So maybe "liar" is a little harsh. That implies a premeditated action to deceive and I don't do that. That isn't nice and it's not honest. I would like to think that I am nice and honest....maybe too much sometimes.
I am ok. I am. I should be, I say it to myself a lot every day. Sometimes in my head, sometimes audible. One of these days I am going to try and keep count how many times it passes through my mind. I am guessing enough that I would quickly lose track.
There are times I get these rushes of emotion that hit me, kind of like an unexpected breeze on a still day. They hit and you are caught off guard for a moment. With a deep breath I tell myself "you are ok, you are ok" and generally it passes as swiftly as it arrived. Not sure why they happen. It is my guess that I work so hard sometimes to keep certain feelings and emotions at a distance that they find a loophole in my logic and take advantage of it. A momentary reminder of a weakness. As long as I can keep telling myself I am ok, then I remain in control.
I am not ok. Don't think anyone has heard me utter that for a very long time. I myself, don't seem to remember the last time I said it directly, especially to another. I did make a pretty solid reference to it in a blog post a few months back, yet if I have said it recently, I don't remember. I've danced around it with similar phrases yet I do all I can not to ever say it directly. Even if it is true, I can't say it aloud and direct. It holds too much power.
Yet, I am ok. If I sit and think about it, the things that are troubling me right now are quite small and minimal compared to the past. With the exception of one, I have beat them all back before. If I have stumbled, it is only a skinned knee, not a compound fracture. If I really think about things, has anything really beat me in the end? I'm still alive, so I am going to go out on a limb and say no, one way or another I came out on top.
Several years ago I rebuilt a car for my sister. Worked on that thing for months and could not get it running for nothing. Worked on the engine daily adjusting, changing, fixing and still could not keep it running. Had taken the carburetor to the shop and had it rebuilt and still nothing. Talk about frustration. I used words while working on that car that would make a sailor blush. I would not give up, for I will not be defeated!
When a car won't start it is one of two things - no fuel or no fire. We had fire and you could smell fuel - we would continually watch it run through the lines and filters. One day we ran the fuel line from the tank to the engine. Maybe it was getting air in the line somewhere. Each checkpoint showed fuel, right up to the carb. No fuel in the carb. The problem? The shop had locked down the fuel regulating bolt. With a turn of a screwdriver, the car finally started. She drove that thing until it literally fell apart, seriously. When she traded it in, they took off the license plates and the bumper fell off. Even with its quirks, she loved it because I had put my heart and soul into it for her.
Sometimes my personal battles become like that car. I work and work and work and feel like I am getting no where and in the end, the fix is as easy as turning a screw a few rotations. The more I learn in class, the more of these types of experiences I have. Sometimes I want to just kick myself when I realize how easy the fix really is. Maybe it is time to start working a little more on the self-compassion part.
It is going to be ok. If I will give all I can to the best of my ability, if I get to the end of the day without doing harm to myself or anyone else, if I take the opportunities before me to make someone else's day a little better, if I am honest and true in my dealings despite how they might come out, if I keep my expectations of myself realistic, if I keep my eyes to the heavens and my vision forward, then today will be ok.
Maybe there was more truth in that email than I realize. I am more ok than I think.