Deep Breath and Prayer

I was driving to my sister's this morning to keep her company during her garage sale, still pondering on things from last night. I thought to myself, "I am not less" and then as if someone laughing at me, I could feel the internal struggle between believing it and not believing it. Sometimes I feel like no one believes me when I say that I came out of the hospital a different person. I don't know if it is really a matter of coming out better or worse, I just came out different. Maybe people just are not able to understand or relate or something like that. All I know is that life was never the same. I will start back into the narrative here soon and start pulling thoughts, feelings, and memories out of that deep box. This has actually been harder to do than writing the other narratives that I have. Maybe because it just involves me. The whole experience was based on my choice. No one made me do anything, no one was a "part of it", it was just me. All positive...

It's well after midnight. I should be asleep. I sit here looking around my room. I will tell people who come over for the first time that my house is like a cross between a bachelor's pad and Ripley's Believe it or not. I tell them they could spend days in here and still not see everything. I have quite a collection of unique things that seem to reflect who I am. Sitting in my bed, I look around. In one corner hangs 3x5 flags for Argentina and Florida, a shout out to my mission. Closer up the wall, dance photos from my last few years in Charleston. A blank spot on the wall still awaits copies of my dance pictures when I was growing up. My Philadelphia Eagles memorabilia takes over half a wall and on another half, plaques and educational degrees. There's more, yet you get the idea. It all screams "accomplished" and "successful" and a whole list of positive an motivating words. It would be interesting to let a stranger come look through my house and th...

For posterity sake, I post my amazing fishing photos!!!! More on this later!

A part of me decided yesterday that I needed to "make peace" with the last set of drawings in did. If there was all this hurt and anger, I had to start figuring it out. The one that kept coming to the forefront was the guardian. In one of my last sessions, I made a few comments in regards to the guardian putting their sword in my face. The comments were pretty direct and not real compassionate. The other day I mentioned that I had a picture in my head of snapping the guardian's sword over me knee. All either of these situations did was make me a bully. They were just me turning my frustration and anger at the first moving target....which happened to be guardian. The more I thought about it, as much as I wanted to, I could not destroy the sword. For the guardian to yell at me as they did, there has to be some reason. Instead of biting back, I decided the best thing was to see if we could talk things out. Although I did not damage it, I did take the sword away. Why hand bac...