Deep Breath and Prayer

My coworker was having a tough morning today. We chatted a while and although she felt better, she was still a bit discouraged. In the conversation, (which with me, conversations can go a multitude of directions) I said, "your assignment for today is to go through the alphabet and come up with a positive word for each letter for yourself." After some back and forth bantering, she agreed and I even said that I would do it. Seeing that I am feeling well today, it is a good assignment and much easier to do now than if were in a place such as I was yesterday. With that, "I am....." Awesome Beautiful Courageous Daring Eclectic Fabulous Gracious Humorous Ingenious Jolly Kind Loving Motivating Notorious Ornery Persevering Quick Rebellious Strong Trustworthy Unpredictable Vivacious Wonderful Xenial (Of the relation between a host and guest; friendly) Young-at-heart Zany (Yah, I had to do a little Googling for X. I never said we couldn't do that!)

There are a few of us here in the office who struggle with anxiety and we are all having a rough day. I sat in my car for about 5 minutes after session holding my head in my hands and just rocking back and forth. I often catch myself rocking, especially if I am getting anxious or nervous. Usually it is just slight rocking, no more noticeable than someone bouncing their leg or tapping a pencil (well, ok, pencil tapping is a little annoying after a while). It is calming and it also might entice someone to come put the happy little white jacket on you. It works though. Rocking is a good, calming action - why do you think I like the blue chair so much. With class tonight, I wanted to get one more post put up here. I may not have done good on my exercise goal, yet I think I have done much better with my writing. Seeing that I still have actual work to do, I will go for another "add some photos" post. It is not "filler" it is a way to show that I am still doing things (al...

I get scared...really scared. It has been happening more and more lately. It is different from things being scary or even me being afraid. It is a panic, a very strong fear of being lost, alone, and not knowing where to find my safety. It comes at various times, no real pattern. In those moments, whether brief or long, it is as if I can't breathe, coupled with a paralyzing fear and intense feeling of despair and abandonment. I need someone to grab me and hang on, a reminder I am not lost, I am not alone, and I am safe. I have learned how to hold up my public front while inside I want to collapse and cry out for help. I do my best to hang on - as frightening as it is, it does pass....eventually. When we had our training last month for AR group, the guest speaker spoke about how recovery from addiction parallels attachment theory. Instead of a parent-child relationship though, it is a relationship with the addictive substance or behavior. He also discussed the relationship of re...

Let's talk. Why? Because I really would like to have someone to talk to right now about the things on my mind. I knew that whole "talking to yourself" thing would pay off one day. There is plenty of room on the park bench if anyone would like to join me and listen for a few. I have deeply missed not going to session on Thursdays these past few weeks. Somewhere I have told myself that I can't do it, not allowed. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just go to session once a week, then that means I am getting better. It is tough, and by the weekend I can always feel it. I miss that extra time to just feel safe, talk, and learn. There is something deeper that I get out of it as well that I don't know how to explain. I think it is kind of reminder that I am not alone through this. I find myself feeling more scared, and I don't let myself do something about it because I have created this "scale" to try and convince myself I am getting healthier. I a...