Frightened
I get scared...really scared. It has been happening more and more lately. It is different from things being scary or even me being afraid. It is a panic, a very strong fear of being lost, alone, and not knowing where to find my safety. It comes at various times, no real pattern.
In those moments, whether brief or long, it is as if I can't breathe, coupled with a paralyzing fear and intense feeling of despair and abandonment. I need someone to grab me and hang on, a reminder I am not lost, I am not alone, and I am safe. I have learned how to hold up my public front while inside I want to collapse and cry out for help. I do my best to hang on - as frightening as it is, it does pass....eventually.
When we had our training last month for AR group, the guest speaker spoke about how recovery from addiction parallels attachment theory. Instead of a parent-child relationship though, it is a relationship with the addictive substance or behavior. He also discussed the relationship of recovery and the grief process.
I have been changing my life in some pretty significant ways this past year and a half, with a heavy part of that being in the past 6 months. I have had to face a reality of abuse and addictions. I have had to give up old habits, behaviors, and thoughts that once served me well and now only bring negative results. I have had to learn to accept that there were things I learned wrong and things I never learned. Change has been happening, and I imagine it will be life long.
As described by our speaker, at a point in a child-parent relationship, the child will start to wander, putting more distance between them and the caregiver, yet as long as there is a visual proximity, things are ok. When spooked or scared they know where to return for safety.
Eventually, there comes a point where they wander beyond that line of sight of the parent. It may not be an issue, then they might become frightened by something, and in turning to locate their point of safety, realize it is gone. The child panics. Hopefully, the parent emerges to make visual contact, and secures and comforts the child. The child eventually learns they can lose visual contact and still obtain safety.
It is the same with unhealthy and/or destructive behavior. As one works to move away from it, there is security in knowing you still have some knowledge of it "just in case." Think of it this way, a person quits smoking yet keeps a pack of cigarettes around for security. They may never smoke them yet there is a comfort knowing they are close.
Someone who engages in self-destructive behavior might keep a knife or a bottle of pills. Even if they have stopped the behavior, they have a false comfort that if the new skills fail, or it gets too much, they can fall back on what they know works.
I am somewhere in here. I am growing and progressing to a point where I am leaving those unhealthy securities behind me....or at least I am trying really hard. I have kept them in visual proximity for a long time and ran back to them often. Now, when spooked, they are no longer a choice, and I panic. I am not trusting enough yet with the idea that there is something good in their place and that I will be ok, that I can still be safe.
It feels like the harder I try to put things behind me and move away from them, the more intense these scary moments are. Although the frequency of them comes and goes, I just hang on. I just let it repeat in my mind, "I've got you, you're safe."
I assume it will get easier, that it is just part of the healing process. I will get there, I just have to keep believing in myself that I won't give in and run for the old choices, and trust that there will always be something healthy or someone safe to find me.
In those moments, whether brief or long, it is as if I can't breathe, coupled with a paralyzing fear and intense feeling of despair and abandonment. I need someone to grab me and hang on, a reminder I am not lost, I am not alone, and I am safe. I have learned how to hold up my public front while inside I want to collapse and cry out for help. I do my best to hang on - as frightening as it is, it does pass....eventually.
When we had our training last month for AR group, the guest speaker spoke about how recovery from addiction parallels attachment theory. Instead of a parent-child relationship though, it is a relationship with the addictive substance or behavior. He also discussed the relationship of recovery and the grief process.
I have been changing my life in some pretty significant ways this past year and a half, with a heavy part of that being in the past 6 months. I have had to face a reality of abuse and addictions. I have had to give up old habits, behaviors, and thoughts that once served me well and now only bring negative results. I have had to learn to accept that there were things I learned wrong and things I never learned. Change has been happening, and I imagine it will be life long.
As described by our speaker, at a point in a child-parent relationship, the child will start to wander, putting more distance between them and the caregiver, yet as long as there is a visual proximity, things are ok. When spooked or scared they know where to return for safety.
Eventually, there comes a point where they wander beyond that line of sight of the parent. It may not be an issue, then they might become frightened by something, and in turning to locate their point of safety, realize it is gone. The child panics. Hopefully, the parent emerges to make visual contact, and secures and comforts the child. The child eventually learns they can lose visual contact and still obtain safety.
It is the same with unhealthy and/or destructive behavior. As one works to move away from it, there is security in knowing you still have some knowledge of it "just in case." Think of it this way, a person quits smoking yet keeps a pack of cigarettes around for security. They may never smoke them yet there is a comfort knowing they are close.
Someone who engages in self-destructive behavior might keep a knife or a bottle of pills. Even if they have stopped the behavior, they have a false comfort that if the new skills fail, or it gets too much, they can fall back on what they know works.
I am somewhere in here. I am growing and progressing to a point where I am leaving those unhealthy securities behind me....or at least I am trying really hard. I have kept them in visual proximity for a long time and ran back to them often. Now, when spooked, they are no longer a choice, and I panic. I am not trusting enough yet with the idea that there is something good in their place and that I will be ok, that I can still be safe.
It feels like the harder I try to put things behind me and move away from them, the more intense these scary moments are. Although the frequency of them comes and goes, I just hang on. I just let it repeat in my mind, "I've got you, you're safe."
I assume it will get easier, that it is just part of the healing process. I will get there, I just have to keep believing in myself that I won't give in and run for the old choices, and trust that there will always be something healthy or someone safe to find me.