Really, it is ok
Let's talk. Why? Because I really would like to have someone to talk to right now about the things on my mind. I knew that whole "talking to yourself" thing would pay off one day. There is plenty of room on the park bench if anyone would like to join me and listen for a few.
I have deeply missed not going to session on Thursdays these past few weeks. Somewhere I have told myself that I can't do it, not allowed. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just go to session once a week, then that means I am getting better. It is tough, and by the weekend I can always feel it. I miss that extra time to just feel safe, talk, and learn. There is something deeper that I get out of it as well that I don't know how to explain. I think it is kind of reminder that I am not alone through this.
I find myself feeling more scared, and I don't let myself do something about it because I have created this "scale" to try and convince myself I am getting healthier. I am starting to think it is not that realistic and not too much different from stopping my meds a while back because it would be some "look, I am better and I can make it without them." Seeing that quitting my meds did not end too well, I am going to guess that I can keep getting better and still go to session twice a week. Even as much as I have progressed, I am still pretty hard on myself sometimes. Thing is, now the kids let me know about it.
I got to the "protective parent" chapter in the purple book today and I am not quite sure the words to use to describe how it made me feel. As I worked through it - yes, it was more than just reading through it, it was working through it - all I could think was, "how I wish I could talk to Chris about this."
She is quite the wise gal. While reading today I started thinking back to last month when I was trying to figure out this inner part of me that was still living in a life or death scenario. I didn't know how to explain it and started putting description, ages, personalities, etc to the pieces. I was making it up as I was going, I didn't have a clue that I was actually doing something that "had been done before" and I had no clue on "inner child" work. As I tried to describe the players I even put a label on "the protector" because the explanation made sense to me. My conclusions were no more than a "what if it was something like this" description that helped me build a picture that I could understand and try to make peace with. A week or so later, Chris introduces me to the world of inner child and I realized that I was not really too far off in my descriptions - quite spot on actually.
She's good at that with me....she lets me work things out and wrestle with them a bit to come up with conclusions or my own descriptions and then pulls the magical rabbit out of her hat that assures me that I am not insane in my thinking. It helps. It helps because it is a level of affirmation that is hard to explain. It is like my thoughts and ideas are worthwhile and I am encouraged to try and come up with ideas and/or solutions. I am not laughed at for an idea or made to feel stupid. I am encouraged to keep thinking, keep searching, keep coming up with ways to look at things.
When I am handed a book or told of something that parallels my ideas, I find a satisfaction and joy in my heart. I find myself thinking "look, I really am able to problem solve" and at times it even makes me feel a little intelligent. Although I do sometimes get frustrated with the whole "answer a question with a question" technique, I am glad for it. What would I learn if I wasn't pushed a little to come up with ideas and thoughts? And to realize that I can come up with thoughts, ideas, explanations, expressions, and more, and not be afraid of looking silly or sounding dumb or any other negative reaction, is kind of nice. An added bonus...it is ok to say that I don't know the answer, it really is.
So yah, I am kind of talking and talking and maybe not saying so much here. It is kind of like this, I said I wanted to talk, didn't say I had things figured out in an orderly fashion. It is kind of the price of admission. If you agree to listen, you will have to try and stay on the ride as I take several thoughts and try to throw them out at some point. It could almost be a mindfulness exercise.
Back to the book. The chapter on the protective parent starts out by explaining a "protector archetype" that seemed to mirror my explanation of "the protector" from my earlier desctiptions. It was one of those breathtaking moments - and not really the "oh pretty sunset" ones, more like a "deja vu" one. It took what I was trying to explain in my simple terms and explained it quite well. There were many statements that I just wanted to jump up and go "THAT'S IT!" yet I was reading in church this morning and that would not have gone over well. I guess I could have jumped up and yelled "HALLELUJAH" instead.....yah, that probably wouldn't have worked well either. I went for a smile and a mental, "oh wow."
The last paragraph in that short section talked about how, because we may not have had healthy parenting, it is important that we cultivate that in ourselves. It continued, "This may appear difficult (or even impossible), but it can be done." This was as powerful as "it is ok to not be ok" as I find myself coming across times where things just appear and/or feel kind of impossible. It all makes sense logically and I can see the good of the outcomes, etc. yet the process of it all is hard to comprehend. Yes, a protective and nurturing parent toward myself would be excellent.....um, where do you even start with that? Ah, the magic of the purple book!
I eventually finished the first part of the chapter yet it was difficult reading. It was hard to understand some of it because the concepts were kind of foreign. Many times the thought, "I don't understand this" crossed my mind.
Growing up, I knew families that had (or appeared to have) healthy and loving family relationships. That was "how their families were" and my life was "how our family is" and I just figured those families were the minority. The way I was growing up was "normal" and that is just how it was. Those other families had that special thing because they were smarter, richer, well known, or something of the sort. It was almost as if they were fairy tale families.What does one do with those kinds of perceptions. Yes, they are not real, yet they seem to be. Grass is green, yet it feels blue.
When I came across the line, "the Protective Parent is always asking, 'Is this situation (or relationship) in the best interest of my Inner Child?'" I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and told myself that I think that it really would be ok to still go to session twice a week. Using that thought process, is it really in the best interest of the kids (and the healing we are all trying to do) to keep myself from a resource (going to session) simply because I have this thought that using it "too much" is a sign of weakness?
I have not even gone to color in the lobby for a while because of that same line of thought. I keep telling myself to just "tough it out and get over it", ignoring the needs and simple wants of the kids. In the end, what is the difference between that line of thought and "quit crying before I give you something to cry about." Not too much. Seeing that the last line I read before closing the book was, "it is essential that we learn to safeguard the Inner Child while at the same time honoring its needs," I think I have some rethinking of my recent behaviors to do.
I have deeply missed not going to session on Thursdays these past few weeks. Somewhere I have told myself that I can't do it, not allowed. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just go to session once a week, then that means I am getting better. It is tough, and by the weekend I can always feel it. I miss that extra time to just feel safe, talk, and learn. There is something deeper that I get out of it as well that I don't know how to explain. I think it is kind of reminder that I am not alone through this.
I find myself feeling more scared, and I don't let myself do something about it because I have created this "scale" to try and convince myself I am getting healthier. I am starting to think it is not that realistic and not too much different from stopping my meds a while back because it would be some "look, I am better and I can make it without them." Seeing that quitting my meds did not end too well, I am going to guess that I can keep getting better and still go to session twice a week. Even as much as I have progressed, I am still pretty hard on myself sometimes. Thing is, now the kids let me know about it.
I got to the "protective parent" chapter in the purple book today and I am not quite sure the words to use to describe how it made me feel. As I worked through it - yes, it was more than just reading through it, it was working through it - all I could think was, "how I wish I could talk to Chris about this."
She is quite the wise gal. While reading today I started thinking back to last month when I was trying to figure out this inner part of me that was still living in a life or death scenario. I didn't know how to explain it and started putting description, ages, personalities, etc to the pieces. I was making it up as I was going, I didn't have a clue that I was actually doing something that "had been done before" and I had no clue on "inner child" work. As I tried to describe the players I even put a label on "the protector" because the explanation made sense to me. My conclusions were no more than a "what if it was something like this" description that helped me build a picture that I could understand and try to make peace with. A week or so later, Chris introduces me to the world of inner child and I realized that I was not really too far off in my descriptions - quite spot on actually.
She's good at that with me....she lets me work things out and wrestle with them a bit to come up with conclusions or my own descriptions and then pulls the magical rabbit out of her hat that assures me that I am not insane in my thinking. It helps. It helps because it is a level of affirmation that is hard to explain. It is like my thoughts and ideas are worthwhile and I am encouraged to try and come up with ideas and/or solutions. I am not laughed at for an idea or made to feel stupid. I am encouraged to keep thinking, keep searching, keep coming up with ways to look at things.
When I am handed a book or told of something that parallels my ideas, I find a satisfaction and joy in my heart. I find myself thinking "look, I really am able to problem solve" and at times it even makes me feel a little intelligent. Although I do sometimes get frustrated with the whole "answer a question with a question" technique, I am glad for it. What would I learn if I wasn't pushed a little to come up with ideas and thoughts? And to realize that I can come up with thoughts, ideas, explanations, expressions, and more, and not be afraid of looking silly or sounding dumb or any other negative reaction, is kind of nice. An added bonus...it is ok to say that I don't know the answer, it really is.
So yah, I am kind of talking and talking and maybe not saying so much here. It is kind of like this, I said I wanted to talk, didn't say I had things figured out in an orderly fashion. It is kind of the price of admission. If you agree to listen, you will have to try and stay on the ride as I take several thoughts and try to throw them out at some point. It could almost be a mindfulness exercise.
Back to the book. The chapter on the protective parent starts out by explaining a "protector archetype" that seemed to mirror my explanation of "the protector" from my earlier desctiptions. It was one of those breathtaking moments - and not really the "oh pretty sunset" ones, more like a "deja vu" one. It took what I was trying to explain in my simple terms and explained it quite well. There were many statements that I just wanted to jump up and go "THAT'S IT!" yet I was reading in church this morning and that would not have gone over well. I guess I could have jumped up and yelled "HALLELUJAH" instead.....yah, that probably wouldn't have worked well either. I went for a smile and a mental, "oh wow."
The protector in us is a security guard whose job is survival.I actually had to stop reading for a bit after getting that far because I felt so overwhelmed with it all. I wanted to grab someone and point to it going "read this!!! I'm not crazy!!!" except that was not possible and so I just sat with it all for a while before moving on.
...the protector may eventually operate self-destructively in adult life.
[and my "dude that was me!" line] Many adult survivors of tell about how they were threatened or punished severely if they cried after being abused. Parents commanded them to "stop crying or I will really give you something to cry about!"
The last paragraph in that short section talked about how, because we may not have had healthy parenting, it is important that we cultivate that in ourselves. It continued, "This may appear difficult (or even impossible), but it can be done." This was as powerful as "it is ok to not be ok" as I find myself coming across times where things just appear and/or feel kind of impossible. It all makes sense logically and I can see the good of the outcomes, etc. yet the process of it all is hard to comprehend. Yes, a protective and nurturing parent toward myself would be excellent.....um, where do you even start with that? Ah, the magic of the purple book!
I eventually finished the first part of the chapter yet it was difficult reading. It was hard to understand some of it because the concepts were kind of foreign. Many times the thought, "I don't understand this" crossed my mind.
Growing up, I knew families that had (or appeared to have) healthy and loving family relationships. That was "how their families were" and my life was "how our family is" and I just figured those families were the minority. The way I was growing up was "normal" and that is just how it was. Those other families had that special thing because they were smarter, richer, well known, or something of the sort. It was almost as if they were fairy tale families.What does one do with those kinds of perceptions. Yes, they are not real, yet they seem to be. Grass is green, yet it feels blue.
When I came across the line, "the Protective Parent is always asking, 'Is this situation (or relationship) in the best interest of my Inner Child?'" I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and told myself that I think that it really would be ok to still go to session twice a week. Using that thought process, is it really in the best interest of the kids (and the healing we are all trying to do) to keep myself from a resource (going to session) simply because I have this thought that using it "too much" is a sign of weakness?
I have not even gone to color in the lobby for a while because of that same line of thought. I keep telling myself to just "tough it out and get over it", ignoring the needs and simple wants of the kids. In the end, what is the difference between that line of thought and "quit crying before I give you something to cry about." Not too much. Seeing that the last line I read before closing the book was, "it is essential that we learn to safeguard the Inner Child while at the same time honoring its needs," I think I have some rethinking of my recent behaviors to do.