Deep Breath and Prayer

Posts from previous blog known as "Finding Blew" written the summer between year 1 and 2 of DBT, through year 2 of DBT, and the summer following May 2014 - Sept 2015) . Compiled together with all former blogs in Jan 2019.

Well, hey, I made it a week. That has to be worth something right? I feel like I have done nothing but ate this week. I tell ya, I don't know if there will ever be a time where I feel like I am eating just the right amount. I am either not hardly eating at all or I am eating constantly. I am told continually that I am not eating too much, yet it sure does feel like it. I did the big no-no the other day, I got on the scales at work. Yah, still not happy at all with the number, yet it is what it is. I am still a good person is what everyone would tell me. Even as big as I am, I am still a good person. I still think about all the people that supported me as I lost all the weight and I often wonder what they think. Are they like me and feel like I failed? It is a tough spot to be in. Then there are the many issues with my body image. I think I have came to some agreement with all of those in the sense that I have realized that there is not anyone who is ever going to see it, so hey, wh...

4:47. I have been doing good all day. Even had a good session with Chris. Even with everything that was on my mind, I did well. Went fishing and now here I sit in my car, emotionally crashing. I just started getting sad all of a sudden. Cannot think of anything obviously that triggered it. I got fin stabbed by a fish yet that is not something to make me sad, that just makes me wish I had band aids in my tackle box. I feel alone, really alone. Maybe it was getting a text from Erickson. I miss my missionaries and they have moved on with life and it is really odd to not have regular communication with them. Maybe it was talking about mom. I doubt that, as that makes me anxious and scared not sad. Maybe it was the "hungry for love" discussion. I am going to lean toward that one. I keep going back to that discussion and chewing on it. I sit and think "if I read the affirmations sheet to God, will He give me a hug and tell me He loves me?" I am guessing the answer would b...

I have not written in a very long time. Between my weekly missionary letters and my therapy visits where I seem to talk way too much, I just haven't written. I don't think that I am keeping myself from writing, I mean I am not having this great desire to write and then telling myself that I can't. I just don't have "much to say" - at least through this medium. Have not drawn very much either although I did have an interesting one in my head the other day that I almost put down on paper. I think that the trigger for that one has not finished its course, so I imaging it will get drawn eventually. It is almost 4 pm. I have been up a whole 2.5 hours. Only got out of bed because Lora came by to pick up some stuff. Would most likely still be in bed had she not been by. I have a lot to get done today and I am just not feeling it. Was like this yesterday too. I do believe this is called "depression." I seriously could go back to bed right now, and might just...

As I have said before, drawing has been a major key to helping me express emotions and thoughts that I have struggled to find the words. I think my favorites of lately are the one I did a few weeks back about "going home" and this one that came through the Vegas trip.  I got thinking about this one a lot as I have gone through these past several days. I wondered how it plays out. Can I see what is on the other side? I do not think so. I think it is more of a "hope this is what is on the other side." I do hope what comes out in my drawings (the positive ones) is reality. Granted, one cannot know for sure, yet I hope. For many years I would reach out in front of me, as if the veil between here and the eternities was so thin that I could feel those on the other side.  It exists...the other side. We are never far from our loved ones who were here before us and our family and friends who are still waiting to join us here. Yet we can't get back there until we come her...

Since I was chatting with Wags while getting ready today, we had some fun.

I've had a bad day. Yup, that is a good way to explain it, just a bad day. I am reminded of the days in my past when it felt like nothing was going right and I could not find the words to describe what I was feeling. Yah, one of those days. A day where I am just sad and unsure of everything. The feeling that I am really screwing up and it will damage all good things I might have. It had just been a really hard, emotional day. I had session with Chris, spent an hour in Tami's lobby, and sent several emails to Mel. At one point or another I found myself apologizing to all for not doing better. I think at some level I must still hate myself. What other explanation could there be for the whole double standard stuff? I cannot remember a time when I valued myself the same as others. I am sure it existed, yet I don't remember it. I have always been "everyone else first and I will take what is left and if there is nothing left, that is ok because it is just me." Even as a...

I'm fighting the darkness today. Still can't get it out of my head, "that will teach you" and all the similar phrases. I can taste the desire to accompany the thoughts with damage to myself - hitting, cutting, burning, not really particular which one. I can't. I can't do it. Not that I do not have the ability, it is that I cannot let myself do it. Yes, there is the Tami in the Eagles jersey thing, and I just cannot be giving into that desire. It is hard, so hard. I see it. I see it happening in my flashes. I see it happening as almost a ghost image in front of me. I see it in slow motion, accompanying the destructive and hateful thoughts. It is cruel, those desires. They tease as a mixture of not only discipline, yet also a promise of emotional relief. It is a lie though. Even if there is a relief, there is a cost - solitude. The 24 hour rule. The thoughts love that one - "Ha!! Now you have no one!!! Way to go!!!" I am quite surprised that I don'...

Even short posts are posts. Got myself riled up which was fine, there is a healthiness at times with that. Then went to workshop to try and find something. Weeds are clear up the doors. I'm sorry? Why am I paying someone to mow and trim and the weeds are 6 foot high? Healthy "riled up" starts to shift. A few choice words and actions and pulled out my weed whacker to fix it (I don't have a mower but still have trimmer). Then, this happens... And, the only thing keeping me from putting my fist through something is that thought of Tami in my Eagles jersey. Needless to say, I am no longer riled, now I am just pissed off. Right now I hate life and I hate that I am choosing not to punch something and be destructive. And I hate that there apparently was something I am allergic to in all that mess as suddenly I am itching like crazy. Why is it that good days can so quickly turn the other way? And, in the end, I realized what I was looking for to start with is in Lora's ga...

(The Chronicles were captured via email to my therapy family) Day One Hello all. It is 8:17 here...10:17 there. Oh how my body is going to be confused!!! I just finished dinner...two bowls of vegetable soup, rolls, salad, and rootbeer floats. Um, yah I think there is no worries of my eating. :) I have already made buddies with Christian who is 3 (I thought he was 5) and Brynlie who is 18 months. Shauna's brother Brad and his family stopped by tonight too. They have 4 kids from young to teen and I had not met them and they walked up, looked at me, and gave me a big hug. Yah, I am going to be all fixed up with hugs!!! The kids decorated the door of the bedroom I am in with hearts including one that said *you are a great fisherman*. They left a new cup and a box of Swedish fish on my pillow. Said they wanted to make sure I had fish here in Vegas. During dinner I just sat and thought how good I felt. Shauna is one of those friends that you do not see for years and then when you catch u...

It is getting better. More up moments than down in the past few days. No answers to that "why might that be" as there has been plenty of darkness knocking around in my head. It is well known that my recent battle has been the "feeling like a burden" issue. It goes in phases....again, damn spiral. I remember Chris always saying she would be there as she was available, yet I needed to use all my resources. Can't remember what I had for lunch, yet can remember things like that. The brain is a very odd thing. While in my struggle, I continually tell myself that I have to try and fix/get through things on my own power first. So, I try to work on that, yet this round I am trying to do it without berating myself with the negative thoughts. It is scary and the small success only reinforces the "don't bother people" thoughts. I don't think it is supposed to work like that. Always a battle. Complete different line of thought, my legs are really tan. I do...

Desire, 10+. Intent...low, only because I do not own firearms. It passes my mind from time to time, if there was a loaded gun sitting in front of me, would I use it. The answer is always yes more than no. Thus why I do not own a firearm. Of course, there is a plan. There is always a plan. If my intention is to remove myself as a bother, then I have to have all my affairs in order, house cleaned up, things imparted as necessary. Seeing that I may never get my house cleaned up, I guess no one needs to worry about me hurting myself to the point of death. Guess it is a tradeoff. Yesterday was head games with the food, today is just head games. I have done well today for the most part, just been this evening when it all started to get loud and overload again. It still frustrates me. I get mad at myself because I have the knowledge and skills to keep it from affecting me so intensely, and yet it still does. I once again find myself struggling with the whole taking someone's time to help ...

A while back, a friend put on facebook that if you private messaged her a number, she would post a reply on her page using the number as the identifier. This past few weeks she has done it again and she posted mine today......   #0835: You empathise with my wandering ways, perhaps more than almost anyone I’ve ever known, although you’ve almost always lived in the same place, while I’ve been flung all over the earth. Your course has been internal; we share this, as we’ve shared so many memories and dark riddles. We met at a religious camp for girls. We detested each other instantly; you were a tough little butch Tae Kwon Do-doer and I was a skinny, scabby-kneed tomboy who concealed it with hyper-fe minine clothing. By the first night, we decided not to hate each other somehow. We had to occupy the same tent, so we had to figure it out. You serenaded me with Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love,” kneeling in a fire pit to sing, “I am a man, who will fight for your honou...

My homework was to come up with 10 things I like to do. These are not in any particular order. Family history/genealogy Build things in my workshop Dance Swim Watch movies Color Go to museums Work on things (mechanics) Do puzzles Bubble baths!

Been dodging writing on here. Decided if I couldn't write something that was was negative, dark, or defeating, then I needed to just stay away. Have kind of done the same with my drawing. Guess what, the only thing it is accomplishing is no writing and no drawings and a lot of stuff building up in my head. And then I end up in the "I wish I could talk to someone" versus "don't you think you have bothered people enough" argument playing over and over in my head. Yes, I probably have bothered and annoyed the hell out of people lately with my whining and carrying on, yet that doesn't negate that I still wish I had someone to talk to. Maybe I need to expand my people I know as to give the ones in my current circle a break from me. Yah, seems I am in that spot again. I am not fond of this spot. I am not really my best advocate when I am here. Thing is, I don't work real hard to allow anyone else to be my advocate either. My hand and arm are healing from m...

I have come to the conclusion that nothing sucks like: waking up only to realize you hurt yourself more than you thought. needing a safe place to go and not having one. going somewhere you previously felt safe, and no longer feel safe there. letting your choices take away your safe place. feeling too ashamed to ask anyone to let you hang around.  Hmmm, seems like I am back to normal. And to think, I didn't feel I would ever get there.

I feel like hell. I know, what a way to start a post, eh?? No, not physically (although it is hot enough that there could be a hell reference) yet in my head, I feel like a failure, like I have really messed things up. Yah, I feel like hell. I believe that hell is not so much a place as a state of mind. I think that when we cross over and realize the things we could have done and didn't, the people we could have helped and passed up, the hurt we caused because of less effective choices...this will be hell. I see it based on choices with knowledge (because how can you be accountable if you do not know?). Like those who have addictions and blatantly chose not to do anything about them. I see those just haunting one in the next life. I am not sure if it is possible to overcome an addiction based on your physical body if you have no physical body. Seeing that addiction has that huge mental side to it, I am guessing that it does not just go away at the time of death. Tess keeps pawing a...

Last week, Melissa gave me the homework to email her everyday and to include a photo that was from me being outside. I thought I would share those here too. She has extended my homework assignment indefinently, so there is a photo a day going to her with a recap of how I am doing with food. It is possible more photos of the week may show up.

Ok. I have decided. No more vacations unless I have planned things I *have* to do. Although it has been nice not having to go to work, I think the time off has "done damage" as well. No reason to beat myself up, I would not know this unless I gave it a try. Life is a learning experience, correct? Did I complete any thing on my to-do list? Not as of yet. Yes, I still have a day left, and I might get dishes and laundry crossed off the list. I had good intentions, yet what do they say? " The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  I've been pretty hard on myself this past week and had a pretty strong desire to be even harder. I got mad at myself a lot. Some for legitimate reasons, most for not. I'm really failing with the eating stuff. I feel horrible about it, apparently more horrible than Tami or Melissa. I understand that I have to eat more, and I struggle so hard with that. Earlier I got some applesauce for a snack and I just stuck it in my mouth and ...

When I would mess things up with mom, I would do all I could to fix them. I would admit to being a screw up, being selfish, not meeting her expectations, and more. Throughout it, I would apologize over and over. I would apologize and tell her I would try harder, I would try to be better. She would reply either, "that is what you said last time" or "sorry isn't going to cut it anymore" or "I keep hearing you say it but I don't see you doing it." That is what has been going through my head tonight, over and over. I feel like I am disappointing everyone, and so I keep apologizing even when I am being told I don't have to. With each apology, I flinch a little, awaiting the responses I am so used to hearing - the ones that, although so destructive, are so familiar. I feel really messed up emotionally right now, and could very quickly move into a "I'm not safe" position. The desire to hurt myself scale is 10+ and the intent scale is qui...

A better day today. Still not on top of things yet am not planning my destruction. I feel lost, yet different than usual. It is not so much of not knowing where I am as much as I am at a loss of what to do. The time off has been a learning experience. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to take time off without having things I *have* to do. I really do believe that if Melissa had not challenged me to a photo a day of something from outside, I would have stayed in much more. I have come to the conclusion that constant rain is as bad as snowy winters. I know part of me struggling right now is the dang dreary weather. Makes ya want to crawl up in a corner and disappear. I kind of feel like a big failure. I had all these plans and good intentions to do things and I did not really do anything. I know I still have three days yet I doubt it changes much. I am frustrated that I get overwhelmed so quickly and that my recourse is to shut down. When did things get so hard? I was not always l...

I am not very good at this vacation stuff. I am thinking about going back to work tomorrow. It is kind of lonely actually, and at the same time I do not really want to go be social either. I feel kind of confused.  The sisterhood is getting together Saturday night and going to the sounds of champaign downtown. We were all texting the plans today and I took part in it, yet I have no intentions of going. Not really sure why. Not a decision I made today, I have been thinking about it for a week or so. There is that small feeling that I don't fit in. Not in a prideful way, much the opposite. Remember when I would compare myself in class? Yah, it's kind of that.  These are some pretty amazing gals and are really growing as they lean on one another. They do not fear texting the group and asking for support. We all give it. They comment on how great it is to have others who understand, don't judge, and offer support. I have become the one who starts the virtual hugs. I am really p...

The last time I asked Chris if I could punch something, she replied that I could hit any pillow I wanted. It is possible a pillow may be sacrificed. I hate this. I make an effort to be good to myself, relax, just "get away" from everyday routine, and it sucks. I keep telling myself, find the good - find the good, and it soon becomes "F*** THE GOOD!" Yup, agitated again. I am starting to think I should just go back to work tomorrow. I need someone to smack me up side the head and help me snap out of this. Maybe it is because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. Let's be honest, when is the last time I took time off that I did not have anything on my agenda. Yes, I have plenty that I can do, yet I don't have any appointments, meetings, etc. I could totally shut the door to my house and not be seen for a week....the thing that I do not want to end up doing. I once again find myself looking in the mirror going, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!" ...

Ya know, I have made peace with the spiral. Honestly, I have. Let it be known though, this particular spot, I hate. I hate it with a passion and I wish it would go away. Yet, for the spiral to be a spiral it has to exist. That really sucks. I'm agitated. Have been mildly most of the day yet as the day went on it got worse. I just kept pushing through it until I could leave work. Fishing was a bust. I did manage to catch 4 I believe. The fish were not even biting much at all. Being agitated and nothing happening on the water is not a good combo. My line got tangled and I ended up running a new full reel of line. That is ok because that stock stuff just kept tangling. New line did not make the fish bite anymore. I went over to the other side of the lake. There is a dock I wanted to try and fish off of. Caught one. It was different being so high above the water. I got my line snagged in some brush and had to cut it, then after rigging everything up again, I got snagged on something in...

As I work to get healthy, I have moments that I just shake my head and am quickly reminded of my fragility. Nick was in charge of out meeting today. Yah, that was going to be a nightmare from the beginning as this was a meeting I have had to sit through at least two other times in the past. I did not want to do this today and thought about becoming sick and having to leave work early. Yes, there was a high probability it was going to be a nightmare. Let's just say, it did not disappoint. Within ten minutes it was in full swing and I felt threatened an trapped. I managed to step out for a few moments yet I had to go back in. For the next 40 minutes I was shaking and twitching and doing everything I could to cover and hide it. I did well. It was exhausting and I managed to do it. I got through the meeting and went fishing. I had not planned in going yet I needed something to get me calmed down. 10 fish later, including one so small it looked like it belonged in a gold fish bowl, I ha...

I got a little wet today...ok, really, really wet AND I had a blast. I went fishing in the rain for about 2 hours and I do believe fish bite more in the rain. I pulled up 5 good sized bluegills. I didn't even know they got that big. I was the only person out fishing and I was enjoying every minute of it. I was starting to get chilled so I called it a day. I remembered I had a towel in my "emergency bag" in the trunk and so I grabbed it, threw it over my shoulders and went and had lunch at the little restaurant on the dock. I know, I said I was giving up fishing for a while. I thought about that too. I figured it was ok to go - I made my trip to Tuscola yesterday, made it to Brody's baseball game last night, got some computer work finished this morning, and got a load of dishes done. With that, and some cash in my pocket, I gave my permission to go fish. I came home soaked and a plan to take a hot shower yet, with a full belly, I just changed into my jammies and took a...

I haven't written for a while. There really are reasons other than I spend too much time fishing. Is there a step below "avoiding"? Not saying that I have been avoiding writing and yet I am not heartbroken that I am not stopping long enough to look at my emotions in the face. I have been spending a lot of time on myself lately. It has been enjoyable and it has also taken away from time I could be doing things for others. As well, I am spending money I don't really need to be spending. As I left work this afternoon I got to thinking about things and decided that I really need to back off my extracurricular activities. As much as it breaks my heart, I am opting to stay home this weekend. Yes, I am out the money I paid for the ticket for the zoo, yet I am saving on the gas and food. Even if I took a cooler, I would have to buy cooler friendly food. It is  ok, I will watch a few hours of animal planet and call it even. I am going to miss seeing my non-u of I racers yet th...

Yes, there really is a process!