If I could scream at the top of my lungs

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I'm fighting the darkness today. Still can't get it out of my head, "that will teach you" and all the similar phrases. I can taste the desire to accompany the thoughts with damage to myself - hitting, cutting, burning, not really particular which one. I can't. I can't do it. Not that I do not have the ability, it is that I cannot let myself do it. Yes, there is the Tami in the Eagles jersey thing, and I just cannot be giving into that desire. It is hard, so hard. I see it. I see it happening in my flashes. I see it happening as almost a ghost image in front of me. I see it in slow motion, accompanying the destructive and hateful thoughts.

It is cruel, those desires. They tease as a mixture of not only discipline, yet also a promise of emotional relief. It is a lie though. Even if there is a relief, there is a cost - solitude. The 24 hour rule. The thoughts love that one - "Ha!! Now you have no one!!! Way to go!!!" I am quite surprised that I don't just pick up the blade again or throw another punch.

I feel so rattled. The screening call for the alumni DBT class kicked it off. Rehashing and remembering a lot of the things they asked about was not fun. Those "and how long has this been going on/when was the first time" type questions really suck because it is the big reminder of just how long I have been unhealthy. I answered honestly though. Apparently there is a more in-depth screening or something that I get to do. Whoo hoo!

Shauna says not to be scared and worried with the financial stuff. It is hard not to be. Finances have never been my strength. Two bankruptcies and and continued debt is a pretty good indicator of that. She estimates 4-6 years to get out the debt I am in (that includes paying off the house). Looks like it is Tess and I for a while longer. I learned the hard way about getting into a relationship when one or both are in financial pits. Not a good idea. Not like I was out looking anyways.

I hate the struggle. I hate that I can control it and then it still can control me. I hate that I have such a strong desire to physically hurt as bad as I emotionally hurt.

Well, seeing that I am just swinging away over here in the emotional life, I better get to doing something positive.

Just keep breathing......and stay away from sharp objects.

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