Deep Breath and Prayer

I'm in the middle of a spiral at the moment, a binging spiral. Once I got home I ate a banana, followed by peanuts, followed by dinner, which was a lot of food. Then I made a protein shake. It's sitting there, just percolating in my gut like something at Yellowstone Park. I sit down to write in hopes that by doing so will break the evil cycle that is happening. I weighed myself today - 325 now is the number. Before long 350 will be here like nothing. I am failing miserably. I need to get active, get moving. Forget the fact that my body doesn't do that very well and when I do, I pay for it in pain for days following, Yet, have to keep eating food. Have to keep shoveling that stuff down the gullet and watching the body expand. Who will every love the fat one?  I'm angry. I want to yell and scream. We all know I won't do that. I want to yell at myself out loud - look at yourself, look at what you are becoming again. All that work you did, all that effort, all that dedi...

Ok, I'm just going to crack up that the last entry was "day 7" because now it is like day 67 or who knows what. Welcome to the new norm, no seriously because no one can decide if it is safe to be inside hiding or outside around other people yet. Forget social distancing because no one really allows you to try it out in any kind of legitimate scenario. Do you know it's been 10 weeks since we have had church? Is that insane? I am going to say, I am so jealous of St. Matt's right now because they are now able to do communion. Granted, it's a "drive-thru" kind of thing, yet they have it down pretty well. Yah, I'm totally jealous. Can we have drive thru sacrament? Can I be Catholic for a day? I've actually watched so much Mass in the past 10 weeks plus the other St. Matt videos that I might be able to get at least a C on the Catechism test :) Yes, just kidding, don't worry, not jumping ship. I miss my people. I miss Courtney. I miss my therap...

Well, COVID 19 is still out there and we are all still quarantined. Yes, it sounds like a sci-fi movie. Welcome to the new world. Ann is running a low grade fever now and Evelyn is sick. I really thought it might catch me before her, yet she does have kids. The isolation sucks, it messes with my head. I went out yesterday and managed to stay out. Played in the shop and went fishing. That was well. The day before tried for a walk around the block, that didn't go as well. Made about 1/2 a block before the anxiety got me. Safe places good, all other places too scary. It is hard to keep track of things. I need to come up with a project for work, or start on my finals for class. Something that keeps me out of bed and keeps my mind busy. Yes, can clean the house and maybe that should be my goal too. I could count how many muddy paw prints come through the house as it keeps raining outside. Yup, glad I got out yesterday, today sucks. But I do get to "see" Chris at noon and Me...

I really don't know if I will ever get rid of that dark piece in me. I have a feeling that the day that someone comes into my life and truly loves me, that it might change. Problem is, that most likely isn't going to happen in this life, so how do I deal with a demon that keep reminding me on a regular basis that I am not worth the same as others and follows it up with some really good evidence? You see, if they supported it with a bunch of BS, that would be one thing, yet when it is factual crap, that makes it harder. So in my homework from Chris I said, can I just keep telling myself that I am "as worthy as Washo" cause I know she has it made in that worthy department. She said sure, if that works, to go for it. I will say things like I just want to know what it feels like, etc. Truth is that I know these things. So I guess the proper thing to say is either to remember how it feels or the chance to feel that way again. I remember the confidence, and I remember havi...

Ah hell, what are we all doing in this life anyways besides scraping our knuckles while trying to hang on for dear life? Well, now, that could just kind of sum it all up there, couldn't it. You know I realized the other day that I have not been out of inpatient but 4 full months. Seems longer, yet, let's be honest, I guess I am allowed to still feel a bit "struggly" if that is a word. Sure it's a word, Chris and I make up words all the time. I decided night before last that I lacked faith. That was my issue. Not only do I fear success, I lack faith in myself. Heck, I don't know, those sound crazy too. Ok, maybe not the fear of success one. I think that is part of what is happening right now, things are starting to fall into place here and there and that is scary. Other things are still jumping around the gameboard like mexican jumping beans. I will get it. Slowly it will come.