Deep Breath and Prayer

As I walked across my front lawn to get my mail tonight, I paused for a moment. It all just felt right. I remember these feelings although I cannot tell you how long it has been. It is like when everything is where it is supposed to be, all the pieces fitting together as they should. Harmony. Peace. No fear - not about the past, not about the future, not in the moment. In that moment, I remembered I was powerful and strong. I was the person I knew existed before and the one who will live for eternity. Knowing I did not make it to that moment alone, I looked up to the heavens and simply said, "thank you." I went to the mailbox and then again just stood in the front lawn. The street light is down the way so you can see the full sky. I just looked around. Things seemed so surreal. I just kept thinking (and still am), "it is over. it is finally over." I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs, yet not a good option at 10 pm at night with neighbors. Tess runs i...

PROS: FEELING ANGER Release of emotion Learn to feel and act on emotion in a healthy way Learn that anger does not equal hurting self Help realize if anger is yours to carry Can motivate for change CONS: FEELING ANGER Afraid won’t be able to control it Might hurt feelings of others or self Might physically hurt self or others Regret and guilt for actions Don’t feel at peace with self Scary to identify root of anger Fear of what will feel afterwards PROS: NOT FEELING ANGER Not going to physically hurt self or others Not going to make anyone mad Avoid contention and confrontation Don’t have to worry about not trusting self. CONS: NOT FEELING ANGER Emotions get bottled up Choose other ways to deflect emotion – many times not healthy Don’t learn how regulate emotion Affects your physical health

PROS: LOVING MYSELF Build my confidence and self esteem Lessen self-destructive urges Realize I can have worth Happier/more peace Calmer Better self-compassion Less looking for self-acceptance through others Become comfortable with new emotions/feelings Might be able to see self as others Might be able to accept how God sees me Accept I am not broken CONS: LOVING MYSELF Accepting that I am not a bad person as I have been led to believe through the years Accepting that I was taught/influenced incorrectly Accepting that I am worthy to be loved Requires trust in self Fear of letting myself down Unfamiliar emotion/feeling Someone else might love me Acceptance of my faults Acceptance that I ok just how I am It’s scary to do! PROS: NOT LOVING MYSELF Don’t get hurt emotionally No expectations Can’t disappoint or fail myself as much Don’t have to accept that I really am of worth and I really am a decent person and that I do deserve as much love as the next person...

Meet my arch nemesis. Ok, so I probably should not describe it that way. Wait, I have the choice to feel about it how I choose about it. I hate it. I hated being on meds years ago and I still do. It makes me feel like a failure. Now, let me note that I do not believe that anyone who takes medication is a failure. No, this is most certainly my own personal battle. I went back on meds last February after managing to stay off of them for a few years. I knew with where I was, I needed help with getting my mind to settle down a bit. Although my mind still ran at great speed, they caused it to do at a much quieter pace. Instead of being inside the gym with the screaming kids, it was like I moved down the hall. The action was still the same, just the volume was turned down. It "tones" down things in my mind when I sleep too. Dreams are not as vivid in color or action and I actually feel like I have slept. When I was on the max dose before, I always felt emotionless yet then again th...

"Spray cheese" or at least that is what I call it. In Tess' new adventures of living with me, she has learned the art of eating it....right out of the can. And, yes, I ate it after her. No, I don't find that gross. We share most things. Remember, I am the one that used to chew up cookies and let Cain eat them off my tongue in order to impress the older nephews when they were little. Then there was college....oh wait, let's not go there.... Anyways, total impulse buy and we have had a lot of fun with it today. I guess it is a way to get me to eat. Know what would be amazing....peanut butter in a spray can. I would need to buy it by the case. Of course it would have to be good peanut butter, not cheap oily stuff. Since things have been a little heavy with my posts lately, thought I would just lighten it up tonight. Oh, worry not, I could get all deep and thought provoking and all that - my mind is on hyper-speed and loud as can be lately (and, why is that Blewy??? Y...