it's over. it's finally over.

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As I walked across my front lawn to get my mail tonight, I paused for a moment. It all just felt right. I remember these feelings although I cannot tell you how long it has been. It is like when everything is where it is supposed to be, all the pieces fitting together as they should. Harmony. Peace. No fear - not about the past, not about the future, not in the moment. In that moment, I remembered I was powerful and strong. I was the person I knew existed before and the one who will live for eternity. Knowing I did not make it to that moment alone, I looked up to the heavens and simply said, "thank you."

I went to the mailbox and then again just stood in the front lawn. The street light is down the way so you can see the full sky. I just looked around. Things seemed so surreal. I just kept thinking (and still am), "it is over. it is finally over." I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs, yet not a good option at 10 pm at night with neighbors. Tess runs in front of me, making a mad dash for the corner of the yard. My "home for wayward dogs" now has a cat living in the bushes.

I am grateful, I am thankful. I want to hug the world. I take a deep breath for a moment as I am reminded the downside of being alone. Oh how I would love to be sitting with someone right now and just smiling and laughing and rejoicing in a happiness that has been absent for so many years. It is ok, I got a little bit of that tonight and I am thankful for that too. Hopefully, everyone has gotten warmed back up.

I still find myself thinking, "what next" and I know the road is not going to be easy nor smooth. At the moment I am ok with that. I am not afraid of it. I look toward it as I did once before, with anticipation and excitement. A new challenge to see if I can complete. Of course, I also am very aware that my vision is a little skewed tonight. I'm a little drunk on life. Tomorrow I will awaken, and when the first challenges come, I will say to myself "what were you thinking!!!"

I really did not think I would find peace with this. Seeing that it was one of the largest hurdles in my life, it gives me hope that I will find peace with other aspects. You know me, choose the hard one to start with. Yet, when you beat the hard one, everything else seems not so big.

It is still going to take time, patience, and a lot of work. So much still to learn about trust and love and what lies ahead. I have also left quite the path of destruction in my heart and soul these past 20+ years. Maybe now I will be able to heal some of that too. Maybe I will be able to find forgiveness for myself, although I am still trying to identify what that looks like too.

I am not alone. Honestly, it is just very recently that I have allowed myself to trust in that. I know, I have heard it over and over just as I have been told that people are not going to walk away. I know I am human and I know that means I am going to make mistakes. I just want to do the best I can though. I don't want to get to the end of my life and have regret. I want to do good. I want to make a difference. And, although it sounds a bit prideful (don't really mean for it to), I want to be remembered for good things.

I don't want to go to bed as I just want to stay in this moment. My eyes are heavy though and tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hesitate, yet I know that God will allow me more good ones ahead. I just have to keep working hard and moving forward.

Again, I humbly smile, "it is over. it is finally over."

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