Meds suck

-
Meet my arch nemesis. Ok, so I probably should not describe it that way. Wait, I have the choice to feel about it how I choose about it. I hate it. I hated being on meds years ago and I still do. It makes me feel like a failure. Now, let me note that I do not believe that anyone who takes medication is a failure. No, this is most certainly my own personal battle.

I went back on meds last February after managing to stay off of them for a few years. I knew with where I was, I needed help with getting my mind to settle down a bit. Although my mind still ran at great speed, they caused it to do at a much quieter pace. Instead of being inside the gym with the screaming kids, it was like I moved down the hall. The action was still the same, just the volume was turned down. It "tones" down things in my mind when I sleep too. Dreams are not as vivid in color or action and I actually feel like I have slept. When I was on the max dose before, I always felt emotionless yet then again that with no coping skills was just how it was.

I am not really sure what it does chemically and all of that. I asked Lynn a couple times and she was supposed to email me some information, yet she never did. I read stuff online yet do not always understand it.

I was doing quite well with taking it until this past summer. I had gotten into the habit of taking it each morning when the boys were here. I had an alarm set to which I would ask Jordan "what time is it?" and he would reply "little blue pill time!" By the end of summer I was struggling with forgetting to take it at times and just haven't gotten back on a schedule. I keep forgetting. Then I would do good for a while, then I would forget for a few days. Not seeing Lynn since July hasn't helped either. That was a way I helped keep myself accountable and it helped to check in and touch base on how I was doing on them. With not getting in to see Lynn and realizing that taking it every few days then stopping probably was not the best for my body either, I just quit taking it. Not worried about effects, I stopped cold-turkey when I was taking twice the dosage I am now.

I did good for a while. Thought maybe I was going to be able to stay on top of it for a while. Can't say that dreaming in color again has been bad. The downside? My mind is so loud again. Very distracting loud. I can't focus even the little that I had worked up to. I am more easily distracted. I can't remember things from one hour to the next. And, although I am physically sleeping a good amount of time, my mind is not shutting down so I can actually rest and recover. And now my body gets to acclimate to it all over again.

It has been good (yes, I am actually going to admit to this) to feel on a little larger scale. It's been good because it has been like getting a bigger perspective of things. Oh, don't get me wrong, it has also been quite scary and sometimes a little overwhelming. Matter of fact, most emotions and feelings have been intensified. At times that has been fine and other times it has been a little dangerous.

Today, I gave in. I popped open the bottle and took my meds. I am not strong enough yet to make it without them. I have done well with choosing better behaviors, although I haven't learned to control the loudness enough yet. I can't shut things down to sleep and my body is so tired. It frustrates me and I am not letting it beat me up like I would in the past. I am not happy about having to take meds and I know I still need them to get healthy. More acceptance work.

Tomorrow, though, is my day once again. Another 35 complete and a chance to celebrate making some really good strides. I am recently being told a lot that I am making great strides and doing really well with my choices and behaviors. I even allow myself to enjoy the complements a little and that is a really big step for me. There is one comment, in particular, that I always get excited to hear. It is a special one to me and when someone offers it without prompting, then I know I am doing things right - right by God, right by those I love, and right by me. I know I am doing good.

This is what 70 looks like.

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more