Deep Breath and Prayer

One of the last pictures I drew was simple yet said a lot. I can believe in the kids, I can believe in that person I know I was before this life and the one that I will be when this life ends. I do struggle though with the me of here-and-now. I can "believe in them" and I struggle to "believe in me." Now, I understand, "they" are me and therefore one would think that just by that alone, I would believe in me. Not so. Even as the kids and I are becoming one, I still have struggles with that person who looks back at me in the mirror. So, I gave myself a sword, and as it says in the drawing, it is up to me if it works to help me believe in myself. Sometimes you need more than paper to give you something to go on. If I am to have a sword, then I am to have a sword. A trip to Hobby Lobby (yah, you know that broke my heart) and a lot of pacing up and down the jewelry making isle (I can only imagine just how lost I looked doing that) resulted in some goodies to t...

Well, after yesterday, it might be a good idea to actually do a positive and happy post. We are laughing here this afternoon at work because I came back from session smiling and in a much better mood and emotional place. I guess I didn't realize just how low I was, thought I was faking it pretty good. Anyways, they are all talking of sending Chris a huge thank you card. I keep telling her she has a fan club. So, let me do some proving that I have been attempting to do some things for myself these past few weeks. It's been hit and miss, yet there have been some things in there. Here we go....not in any particular order. Since tomorrow is Valentine's day, let's start there. I sent Elders Brooks and Erickson flowers. Yes, I did. I wrote the card very "neutral" so no one who saw it would think the wrong thing. Anyways, I sent them these rainbow cuties! How awesome are those???? I didn't even know they could do that with roses. I have seen one-color tipped rose...

I failed and I failed well. Glad to know I still have it in me. I would hate to think I was slipping in my mastery. Was not the most fun of a ride home I just did. Mind was all over the place with myths. "You are not deserving if help", "you are not good enough", "that's what you get for thinking things might be different". I just wanted some help and I really screwed up by allowing myself to think that was going to happen. No one to blame except myself. I know better than to really start believing in myself and getting excited that I may be doing better because I am always quickly reminded of how selfish that is. I started counting bridge supports and had to keep pulling my focus out of the ditches. The desire to punish myself was quickly rising (and sadly is still very high) and intent was not too far behind. The negative thoughts were on full speed ahead and set on repeat. I knew what was going in yet I had to make a choice, focus on safely keeping ...