Dangers of asking for help

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I failed and I failed well. Glad to know I still have it in me. I would hate to think I was slipping in my mastery.

Was not the most fun of a ride home I just did. Mind was all over the place with myths. "You are not deserving if help", "you are not good enough", "that's what you get for thinking things might be different". I just wanted some help and I really screwed up by allowing myself to think that was going to happen.

No one to blame except myself. I know better than to really start believing in myself and getting excited that I may be doing better because I am always quickly reminded of how selfish that is.

I started counting bridge supports and had to keep pulling my focus out of the ditches. The desire to punish myself was quickly rising (and sadly is still very high) and intent was not too far behind. The negative thoughts were on full speed ahead and set on repeat.

I knew what was going in yet I had to make a choice, focus on safely keeping the car on the road or focus on quieting my mind. I went for driving. You know, I had a good day yesterday and as much as I know not to connect them, karma sure has unbelievable timing. I guess the only thing that could have rubbed it all in a little more would have been a long text message from a certain someone being overly nice and happy and making me feel guily....oh wait, that happened.

I know it's just my fight or flight going into default mode. I know I am not bad, evil, or a lost cause. Maybe it was just a bad day. Maybe I did not make my intentions clear enough....miscommunication. However the story was I have to just let it go. It is what it is. Which equates to nothing and that I am going to continue to struggle at a level that I might not have had to, yet I have pulled it off this far, I can keep doing it. I am Blewy and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

It is frustrating. It really upset me as I felt like I was asking for help and my plea was being discredited. It validates a lot of negative thoughts that I have been trying hard to turn away from.

For now it is a closed subject and off the table. I will not beg for help. I will find a way to make things work, I am good at that. Maybe there is something holistic I can look into.

I just have to keep telling myself that even though I feel like a pretty big failure right now, I am not.

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