Deep Breath and Prayer

Ha! I know, I said I wasn't going to write today. It is not that I lied. It is more like I have a couple hours before I head south and I don't care to do the laundry and dishes that are sitting there watching me like a hawk. So why not just record more random thoughts and feeling that I can go back later and read and smack myself up the side of the head and tell myself I should have folded the laundry. Tomorrow is Easter. In my dysfunctional family that pretty much means it is just another day. My brother already noted he most likely would not be at church. Kind of sucks, I like being with my family in church on the holidays. Oh well, I will be there, maybe without an Easter bonnet on, yet I will be there. Call me old-school, yet know what I miss? I miss those huge traditional family get togethers for Easter. The ones where there is turkey and ham and all the sides and fixings. The kind where if you are a certain age you have to sit at the "kid's table" in the oth...

I arrived today to open the door to my office and be hit with a wretched smell. Choose a word - putrid, nasty, foul, reeking, something may have died, someone might have barfed, or any other word that associates to "a really, really bad odor". Yes, my office smelled like the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth! As wicked as it was, there was a little vindication on my part. The smell had started on Wednesday afternoon and no one really wanted to believe me. Yesterday it was still there, yet not too bad. Luckily I had enough appointments yesterday that I was only in my office for a couple hours. Today, though, it was so bad that the facilities person in the building exiled me from my office and had to call environmental services. I had to chuckle when they arrived, all huge and burly type guys because when they stepped in my office, one of them about tossed his cookies. They were checking in the ceiling tiles, on the floor smelling the carpeting, and still could not find it....

It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...

Since class started, I have been told/reminded to enjoy the good days as much as I can so when the not so good days come along, they don't seem as bad. Give myself good memories to draw on when times get down. Today would be one of those days. I have been smiling all day - a lot. I am still smiling. I might still be smiling in my sleep. One of the greatest things that happened to me when I moved to Charleston back in '98 was starting to find myself. Being back in the community that was "mine" I had the chance to be who I wanted to be. A chance to test the waters in a way, to think about the person I may have been and see if that fit. It was a growing time in many aspects and I eventually grew into a comfortable place with many of the pieces of my self. There were no expectations as to who I should be and I took solace in that. Oh yes, there were plenty of unaddressed demons, and that was just part of it. When I decided to move back in 2006, I knew I would be giving up...

I am reading a book right now about controlling emotional eating using DBT skills. I chuckle as when I showed the book to my instructors, they both commented on how there was a whole section on willfulness/willingness. Hey, this is progress - it would seem that I have moved a little away from being known as the one with anger issues! (Ok, not sure if I was "known as" that, yet I sure could have held 1st place for it there for a while) I lucked out that they were just flipping through the book as right after the pages on willfulness/willingness, are several pages on avoidance. I have been pretty darn good at that one too. I would like to think that I have some actual healthy habits and behaviors at the top of the list as well. It is a good feeling though that when I run across different things (like avoidance, etc) I recognize them and say "oh, yes, I have done that one" and then being able to say "and now I have the choice to not do that anymore." The book...

We were Sound of Music nuts when I was growing up. Anytime it was on TV, we watched it. It was one of the few guaranteed family events. I quickly learned the lyrics to the songs and can still sing them today. There was always singing in our house, so the fact that I can almost recite "my favorite things" backwards is no surprise. To be a kid again and see the world so innocently. I almost chose not to write today then I realized I had to. For one thing, I am kind of on a roll for daily posts and I do enjoy writing. Even more so, I enjoy being able to create posts that are just about random, happy things. It is nice to not always be in some emotional dilemma. Oh, worry not, I am sure that will roll back around. For today, though, it is about a few of my favorite things. Glass pitchers. When we were kids, we had this glass pitcher that was always full of orange kool-aid. I rarely remember it empty or with anything else in it. Once in a while we might get another flavor, yet mo...

Hello world, how are you today? I will have to admit, when I have two good days in a row, I start getting skeptical. When I hit three I start worrying. You wonder what corner karma is hanging out at just waiting for you (I've probably just jinxed myself). I have a had a good couple weeks. Scary, eh? Sure, there have been some bumps along the way and still it has been well with me. Again, totally surprising myself. What makes it good? I desire to do more than sleep and exist. I have not found myself at the bottom of the emotional bucket. I have been able to accept and let go of some things without leaving behind a placeholder of guilt or shame. I have looked back to past conversations and lessons that made me want to turn and run (and I pretty much did) and say to myself, "Oh, I understand now." I have been able to look at existing to-do lists as a challenge and not as an overwhelming burden. I have even been able to take the list and add, edit, and delete things from it. ...